Dear GirlShrink,
When Will I Be Over Him? Me and my boyfriend broke up over 2 months ago and I still think about him every day. We havent talked since the break up and I just want to stop thinking about him for good. I never look at pictures of him or talk about him with anyone. I went through the whole not eating thing for about a week and I decided thats not the way I want to live my life. So now I eat fine and act like everything is ok around my friends. I can never be alone because then I will just think about him and then force myself to think of something else. The worst is right before bed. I dont go to sleep at night for hours because I am forcing myself just to think of anything but him. I want to get over him and its been 2 months. I dont talk about my problems with anyone and dont plan on doing so because they are my problems to fix, no one elses. I just want to know when i will be able to sleep at night and stop thinking about him everyday.
Courtney.
Trumbull, CT
Dear Courtney,
Your relationship with your ex is not something that you can just “get over” in a couple of weeks. Two months is only 8 weeks. One of the major reasons why people come to talk to me is because they do not allow themselves the time to “grieve” over the end of a relationship. It’s really like a death. So while it may be a little cliche, the stuff you see sometimes in the movies is dead on. Listening to love songs. Watching sad movies. Crying it out. Because when you allow yourself to feel those feelings of sadness, loss, heartache, loneliness, etc., you also give yourself the opportunity to move on from that place.
You will probably not succeed in trying to force yourself not to think about him. That’s why when you’ve stopped all the “busy” work of the day and settle down right before bed – you are relaxed and of course you think of him. That’s natural. What you could do during these times is perhaps write him a letter (that you will never send). Write out what you miss about him. What you’re sad about. What you are angry about. OR you could use this time to get back into some relaxing habits or start one. I like to read a novel at night to “escape” certain woes of the day. That way the last thing on my mind is what happened during a chapter in the book – not my problems.
Lastly, I’m concerned about your philosophy on self-isolation. Sure – it may be your problem to fix, but most of us do not make it through this world without the emotional support of a friend, family member, religious leader, therapist, someone. They do not necessarily have to fix your problems – but having someone to “vent” to is a great stress reliever. I think part of your problem is that you haven’t been able to talk about what happened and how you feel since it happened with anyone. You are still carrying around all of that baggage.
I applaud you for writing in Courtney, that was a huge step. BUT it would be better if you could talk to someone who you have a personal connection with. Someone who you trust to hear your story and simply listen.
