Dear GirlShrink,
“Dave” and I have been dating for 2 months. He and I have known each other for years. We ran into each other one evening and have been seeing each other ever since. Dave was with his last girlfriend for 5 years but broke up with her last year because she wanted marriage and he doesnt.
He told me upfront that if I wanted marriage, I was barking up the wrong tree so to say. I myself have been divorced for 20 years and have no intentions on ever remarrying so I was fine with that. Dave and I have been together every weekend since starting to date. He picked me up every Friday evening to stay at his house and would take me home Sunday evening. He would also come into town every Wednesday to see me for a few hours in the evenings.
Everything was good for us. We got along well, laughed together, worked on his home projects together and spent alot of quaility time with one another. Dave came to my house last Wednesday and jokingly asked me how many times I had been out with my friends that week. I had been out the night before and told him so. I also mentioned that a mutual friend of ours seen me and asked me what I was doing in there with Dave the weekend before.
He asked me what I said.. and I told him that I just said, “Yeah, he and I hang out together every now and then.” Dave became quiet and left shortly after telling me that he would probably see me on Friday. The weekend came and went with no word at all from Dave. Sunday I called him and he was completely out of character. He was short with me and told me that he didnt
want a comittment to have to see someone every weekend and that he would ”email me or something sometime.” He then hung up the phone.
want a comittment to have to see someone every weekend and that he would ”email me or something sometime.” He then hung up the phone.
Why has he pulled away like this? Does it have to do with what I said about us hanging out? He has introduced me to his friends at work as his girlfriend. He’s never been a real affectionate person and has appologized to me numerous times for not being “romantic” and not having alot of time for me during the week. I have never complained though… he appologized on his own. This morning I fired off an email to him asking him to please come to my house so we can talk about this. Have I pushed him farther away by doing so? Should I just wait it out to see if he will try to contact me again? Or should I move on and consider us over? I just don’t understand why he pulled away so suddenly!!!
Dear Dating Dave,When I read your letter and got to the part of him asking you “what did you say”, I knew exactly how the rest of this letter was going to read. He plays commitment games and probably doesn’t even realize it.First of all, he actually enjoys commitment because he is a serial monogamous dater. He likes relationships and the reliability of being with the same partner, but he wants to control relationship and for that to happen – men will typically say that they are not looking for marriage or a serious relationship. That way a woman will not ask from him what he is not willing to give. Ultimately though he is fooling himself. He thinks that he can actually have a long term relationship this way, and while there are some women waiting for the other shoe to drop, most women are not going to wait forever to take their relationship to the next level. Proof is the demise of his last relationship.Secondly – the flip side to the whole way that he deals with you is that he also wants you to want a relationship with him. He enjoys the woman asking for more -and he rejecting her. Again this gives him a sense of power and control. The fact that you did not respond to the mutual friend by saying that you two are ‘dating’ or are in a ‘relationship’ threw him. I think he really was expecting you to give an answer like that so that he could challenge you on it “Why did you say that?” AND internally he wants to be wanted.The fact that you made such a casual reference to the “real relationship” that you two are in. I don’t care what you call it. Made him angry. And he can’t tell you that he’s angry because of course he was the one to initiate the whole “casual” dating thing.As far as what you should do? This is the thing. He wants you to come after him. That gives him the power back. But ultimately this guy has commitment issues. Honesty issues (with himself). I don’t know if he is ever going to be mature enough to have a real relationship – one that requires an investment of time and emotion from BOTH parties.You could play his game and act like you want more so that his ego is fed etc., but that’s exhausting and will eventually become boring and silly. I don’t think there is anything you could have done to have foreseen this or to have changed the outcome. He is a loose cannon, and I don’t think you can win either way. If you really do want more from him – he will run and if you act like you don’t want more he will run. My best advice would be to chalk this up as a miss and move on. Try and salvage the friendship if you can.
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