Dear GirlShrink,
Why can’t I move on? I began an affair in Feb. ’09. We are both married – over 40. Everything we experienced together was, for both of us, like nothing ever before. We both believed beyond a doubt that we were meant to be together, soul mates if you will, and some how we would work out being together. He did everything in his power to see me daily, communicate constantly. We had so much joy, fun and laughter, great conversation, contentment. A situation arose about 9 months later in which I became very vulnerable emotionally, and I reacted to it in such a way that scared him into wondering who I really was. I became, to him, a weak, needy, clingy
person, like his wife; not the strong, stable, independent woman he fell in love with. Without all the details, it went down hill daily from there.

We barely saw each other any more and he would never answer my questions about what was happening to us, he has difficulty discussing feelings. He finally told me in June, via text, that it wasn’t going to work, yet he did not actually say “good bye” or “it’s over”, and no longer answered my messages.

There was no closure – no face to face or verbal ending. I was recently in an area where he was, and I stopped there, texted him that I was there and wanted to see him. He came outside, I saw his face (after not seeing him for 4+ months) and I just broke down. He was very guarded, very cold (which is part of his personality anyway), bitter sounding, yet my heart still swells with love for him. I can’t get over him and I can’t stop thinking about him. I cry frequently, memories flood my mind all the time. I KNOW I am dead to him, that he will never see or speak to me again, yet my heart and mind can’t move on. I can’t understand how someone who truly loves someone could let it go seemingly so easily.

I have done a much as possible to focus my mind elsewhere, yet it always goes back to thoughts of him, of his face, touch, kiss, laughter. I can’t keep on like this, yet I have no idea what to do now. I don’t WANT to be without him in my life, and I have
never loved like this before. What can I do to put this behind me?

Jae/Houston, Texas

Dear Jae,
Thank you for your letter. I’m sure it will speak to a lot of men and women in a situation as this one. I think that in order for you to move on and move forward, you need to start looking at this relationship intellectually and not emotionally. You are deeply emotional about this man, this relationship, and the time you’ve spent together. Now is the time to look at this relationship through the lens of an outsider. Someone not emotionally invested. That’s me:)

First of all, I think you summed everything up for yourself  “I can’t understand how someone who truly loves someone could let it go seemingly so easily”. There you go. How can someone who truly loved you, all of you, end it like that? Well my answer is someone that realized that he wasn’t totally in love with ALL of you. Just parts of you.

It’s easy to fall into a false sense of security, euphoria, and joy with someone who only gets the best of you. The fun you. The excited you. The happy you. The spontaneous you. And vice-versa.

What you two miss out on when you are already attached to someone else is the daily grind of life. The bored you. The depressed you. The angry you. The unsatisfied you. The overwhelmed you. The crazy family stories. The money woes.

He thinks that he learned that you are some weak, needy woman like his wife, but what he really learned is that you are simply human just like his wife and any other woman that he chooses to have a relationship with. Maybe he doesn’t want a human woman, maybe he wants a fantasy. Or perhaps he had an epiphany and realized that he may need to work on things with the human woman he has at home.

Bottom line. You are pining away for a relationship that truly never was. I totally understand why you would miss the freshness, the feelings of being connected, the laughter, and good times – but that is just foreplay. You see what happened when the chips were down. When real life happened. He cut and ran.

This is not a man you should even think about spending a life with. Not to mention that you have a man at home who you aren’t finished with – I’m assuming – ore else where is the mention of divorce.

A real relationship, and man worthy of you, can weather the hills and valleys. The highs and lows. The laughs and sad times. It is slow and steady. It is safe. It is worth fighting for. It is respectful and reverent. That is what you are worth, and that is what you should work for in either your current marriage or your next relationship.

Dear GirlShrink,

Ok, I was dating this guy on and off for four years, in that time frame he became my 1st love. But during the off part and we was seeing other people, I got pregnant and had a baby by another guy. After he found out I was pregnant, he stopped communicating with me all together. There was no closure at all. It’s been a year now and I still find myself thinking and dreaming about my ex ALOT! We have seen each other recently, the connection was there, but he didn’t feel comfortable being around me. I think I still have really strong feelings for him, but I really don’t know what to do at this point.. So I am coming to you, asking for your help and advice on my confusing situation.

Signed,
Wonderchick10

Dear Wonderchick10,

It’s very common for guys to shut down when women “move on” during an off period in a relationship. Usually because he didn’t expect you to really and truly move on. Your pregnancy and child are just constant reminders of how you were able to “forget him” during that period. I don’t think you should make him aware of your feelings until you are sure of them yourself. You now have a child and the child’s father to consider.

Don’t bring on any unnecessary drama on yourself until you know that’s a path that you are ready to travel on. Now having said that, I think that you may need to have some sort of “closure” conversation with this guy. I just want you to be sure what you really want from when you have it. Closure or to continue where you left off.

Dear GirlShrink,
Hi I have been going out with my girlfriend for a bit over 3 months but we started as friends for over 4 years. I have already said i love you to her and we have also been intimate but she has been unable to say “I love you” to me. She tells me that she cares a lot about me and that Im the only guy for her and i feel the same but i dont know if shes afraid to commit more to me or is it that she has never felt love?? HELP!

Dear Friend,
While I understand that you have been friends with your girlfriend, you have only been “together” for three months — and in my book that is not really enough time to wonder where she stands emotionally. She might be really happy and connected to you — but love is a strong commitment and means many things to different people.

I really feel that you should be happy with the fact that you are in a great relationship with someone you love, someone who you are happy with, and who clearly feels strongly for you. So just let that ride. Don’t start analyzing the relationship based on what she will or will not say. It’s too early for that. Relax and allow the relationship to grow on its own. If you drive yourself (or her) about this – you will most assuredly push her away.

Dear GirlShrink,
I wanna tell my boyfriend I love him but I’m terrably afrade of rejection, in other words, I’m afraid that if I tell him I love him it might make him even worse at just hanging out than he already is and he already acts so nervous when we hang out after I tell him that he might R.U.N.N.O.F.T. If you know what i mean so please help…

Dear Nervous,
It doesn’t sound like your relationship is on totally solid ground. The fact that you are a little skittish about his commitment level begs the question “Why do you need to tell him that you love him, right now?” I’m not sure if people have run off from you before — you sound like someone may have abandoned you in your life. But you need to work through those fears before you tell him something so monumental. I would wait until you figure out WHY you are so fearful of rejection from him or in general before I make such a relationship-shaping declaration.

Dear Readers,

Today I’m flipping the script and asking you a question! Can you find true love in high school or is everyone so immature that true love cannot be found and/or sustained at that age?

Think back (if you can remember!) Were you in love with someone in high school? Or were you in Disney™ Love?