Dear GirlShrink,
I have been married for a little more than 2 years. It was an arranged marriage (India). Things were not terrible initially. But, it was never great either. Then, it started deteriorating and it was really ugly between his parents and mine and we got caught up in the whole thing. The sex life was not great either. He is very caring in terms of taking care of me physically like helping around the houese and always brings me gifts. But I feel completeley emotionally dead in the relationship and I think I will lose myself if I continue to be with him. However, I have talked about leaving him and he gets so emotional and says that he just cannot live without me.

Please advice me on what I need to here – I am unable to leave because I am not sure of what would happen to him and I feel guilty and harbor a sense of betrayal. But I don’t know if staying in this relationship is healthy for me.
Thanks,
shwn

Dear Shwn,
While I do not profess to be an expert on arranged marriages, I can say that it really probably is no different than other people who marry for other reasons than love. I think you need to ask yourself what those original reasons were and why they no longer are enough to support this marriage. Did you marry out of duty, tradition, loneliness, etc.? Were you ready for marriage? Did you want marriage, or was it just time to do it based on what others in your family or friends recommended.

If you are “unable” to leave, but feel that you are completely emotionally dead in this relationship, I wonder what type of advice you are actually asking for. How to make yourself feel something that you don’t feel? How to possibly feel less guilty about doing what is best for you and not for everyone? Well – at the end of this world, I believe that most human beings ask themselves if they lived the type of life

Dear GirlShrink,
Hi I have been going out with my girlfriend for a bit over 3 months but we started as friends for over 4 years. I have already said i love you to her and we have also been intimate but she has been unable to say “I love you” to me. She tells me that she cares a lot about me and that Im the only guy for her and i feel the same but i dont know if shes afraid to commit more to me or is it that she has never felt love?? HELP!

Dear Friend,
While I understand that you have been friends with your girlfriend, you have only been “together” for three months — and in my book that is not really enough time to wonder where she stands emotionally. She might be really happy and connected to you — but love is a strong commitment and means many things to different people.

I really feel that you should be happy with the fact that you are in a great relationship with someone you love, someone who you are happy with, and who clearly feels strongly for you. So just let that ride. Don’t start analyzing the relationship based on what she will or will not say. It’s too early for that. Relax and allow the relationship to grow on its own. If you drive yourself (or her) about this – you will most assuredly push her away.

Dear GirlShrink,
I met this guy a little while ago, and we hit it off immediately. Pretty soon, things got fairly hot and heavy between us. However, as of late, it’s starting to cool off, and I’m feeling very insecure. He assures me daily that he still cares very much for me, but I’m not sure his feelings run as deep as my own. I’m in love with him.

My friends tell me not to worry, that everything will work out. But I’m not so sure, GirlShrink. We’re not actually in a relationship, it’s more of a friends-with-benefits kind of thing. I know I shouldn’t let myself get involved in such an unreliable correlation, but I can’t help it. When I’m with him, I feel I’m the most important, most beautiful girl in the world, and he is good to me. Yet, our relationship is going nowhere. What should I do?

Dear Hot and Heavy,
I’m afraid I am only going to tell you what you already knew. You entered this “relationship” as many of us do — casually. And that’s what you still have – a casual relationship. That has no strings. He is fine. As he has expressed. Most likely, you have been intimate with him, which changes everything for most women. And you are not okay. You want the magic of the beginning of the relationship and you are worried that it is the beginning of the end — if that changes. Which I guess it is.

The reality of most relationships are that the journey on them goes in waves. Peaks and valleys. The beginning is often intense, heated, and wonderful. But rarely does it stay that way. And the worst thing you can do is continually ask for assurances from him that it will stay that way. Just stop. The #1 way to keep your relationship is to RELAX and keep it just as or even more casual than the man you are seeing. He will either LOVE that or rather will be intrigued why you are so relaxed.

Also, does this guy know that you want a committed relationship rather than a friends with benefits thing? And if not – why doesn’t he? And if he does know, and doesn’t want what you want, then why have you continued down this road with him? Just something to think about…

Dear GirlShrink,
Since about 4 months ago, my then serious boyfriend and I broke up because he was living in Spain while I lived in Holland. He didn’t want to lose me as a friend as well as girlfriend since he was convinced that we would end up fighting if we had continued it. We still love each other, and we still talk occasionally, but only as friends.

After a month I felt better and I knew it was the right thing to do, and I even met a new guy to distract myself with, but my ex-boyfriend would still be in my head constantly. I ended it with the new guy, and since then.. I’ve been missing my ex-boyfriend more and more… breaking down whenever I thought about the memories of him. Pretty much every night I would cry when I let myself think of him, it feels as if I’m in the same condition as I was when we first broke up. How do I move on? Will I ever move on?

Dear Friend,
Sounds like love to me. Plain and simple. But long distance is difficult. Very difficult. A relationship needs to be nurtured and worked on and that’s really hard to do when distance is a factor. But you know what, it’s really hard to move on from a relationship especially when there were deep feelings of love and respect. You kind of just don’t want to look for anything new when you feel you had the right thing before. But I am a strong believer that if something is meant to be – it will happen. Also if you both want things to happen, then it can. Did you two ever consider moving?

Finally – if moving isn’t just something that is realistic, then you really have no choice to move on. You have to make the decision to do it. Keep putting yourself in position to do fun things and new things. Meet new people. Try to keep your distance from your ex for a while until you are truly able to come back to the relationship as a friend and not a “girlfriend” waiting in the wings.

Hi Girlshrink,
I have been seeing a guy for about a month. He approached me in a pub one night & was very eager. He charmed me that night although he is not my usual type & I didn’t even notice him until he approached me. We both agree that we are an excellent match. We have so much fun together & amazing sex. He also loves my family. We have agreed to keep seeing each other & not to see other people. I can feel the relationship strengthening every time we see each other. The problem is that I am an extremely emotional person & I fall in love very quickly. I feel like I am already in love with him. He says that he really really likes me but he s not in love with me yet because it always takes him a long time to fall in love & he didn’t want to say he was in love yet because he didn’t want to hurt me. I don’t understand this. I feel like I know that I’m in love straight away so I suggested that we end it because if he is worried that he might hurt me it might be because I like him more than he likes me & so there’s no point going on with it. When I
suggested this he became quite angry & sad. He said this was because he loves spending time with me & he just wants things to keep going the way they are & he doesn’t want it to end. I don’t know what to do as I’m worried the longer I leave it the worse I will get hurt. We have agreed not to talk or see each other for 2 days (my idea). Do you think I should stop sleeping with him for a while or something?
Thanks.
Afraid.

Dear Afraid,
You remind me of a friend of mine. You just sabotaged a great relationship because of the possibility of getting hurt by someone who has been completely honest with you. BIG mistake. And let me correct you here and now. You do not fall in love easily. You attach yourself emotionally to people (or just men) easily. You need something and you are looking for it from your relationships, and then these feelings probably intensify when you are sexually intimate with them. That is your issue, not his.

Secondly, most people in a relationship are often in two different places in that relationship. It is very common for one person to have stronger feelings than the other in the beginning and that is not something you can force. Nor is it something that should be abandoned just because you both aren’t in the same place right now. To put this in the simplest of terms, RELAX. Enjoy what sounds like a great relationship and a great guy. When he is ready to say that he loves you – he will. Until then just enjoy the relationship and stop looking for words to define your relationship when actions actually speak much more loudly.

Dear Readers,

Today I’m flipping the script and asking you a question! Can you find true love in high school or is everyone so immature that true love cannot be found and/or sustained at that age?

Think back (if you can remember!) Were you in love with someone in high school? Or were you in Disney™ Love?