Hey GirlShrink…

I’m about to hit you with a hard situation so fasten your seatbelt…my life is a MESS. I’ve been dating a guy for a year, it may seem like a short time, but i can assure you we both feel like we’ve known each other forever. He loves me so purely and deeply, it makes me cry how true he is. I wont say i love him more, because i dont think i match up to him yet, but i love him very much. We understand each other and simply cant live without each other, its just too hard.

The problem is…my parents and his family. Im 20 years old and he is 20 as well. We as a family are pretty well-off and stable, my parents have a lot of dreams for me and they want me to marry into a wealthy and stable family so later in my life i wont have any troubles due to money. And my boyfriend’s family/ financial situation is really out of order. His financial situation is not as stable and there are many problems going on in his family. His older brother (24) is planning to move out and his parents are not as stable enough to provide for all of them. My boyfriend is very hardworking, he takes responsibility for his entire family whereas his elder brother is always out partying. He doesn’t provide for the family and simply doesnt cooperate.

Being from an indian family, we don’t expect our parents to live off their savings and we always have to provide and take care of them in our home. Thats just the way things work. My parents dont want me to marry into a family that is not going to be able to support me well and i do see where they are coming from. But i also know that if i break up with him due to financial/family reasons, i wont ever be happy. Because i just love him so much, hes my ideal guy…the way ive ever pictured one to be…he fits is pretty well.

He’s just so good that doing bad to him hurts way too much. He doesn’t smoke, doesnt drink, doesnt party too much, he’s responsible, warm-hearted, and one thing that i dont like per say, is that he is very sensitive…he cries everytime i bring something up about leaving him. He says if i leave him he’ll be single forever and he just wont let anyone take my place…I dont want you to think he’s a little girl with tears and stuff because hes a man when he needs to be but he does have a very sensitive, genuine side that i respect a lot. I love him very much, we have been far along the way with each other and we simply cant imagine it any other way.

Is love above family? Because i know if i marry him, which would happen in like 4 years…my parents will never be happy and i love them too much for them to hate me. Also my family is used to living a lavish lifestyle whereas his family is so simple…i dont think they will ever get along, and to me family means a lot, if my family is not happy…i can never be fully happy. Im in such a pickle…i dont know how to break this nice, genuine guy’s heart that i love so much, and i dont know if i want to sacrifice my everything to please my parents…What do i do?

Dear Love or Family,

As an American my first instinct is to tell you to honor whatever you want from your life and that your family just needs to deal with it, but then again I have to respect your cultural norms and how you feel about your family.

I hear that you love your family and want their approval and respect, but that you just happened to fall for the right guy in perhaps the wrong set of circumstances. OR perhaps this is a lesson for your entire family? Perhaps they will learn that seeing you happy is truly what will make them happy. I don’t know. Maybe it’s difficult for others in your family like your parents to see you in a relationship for love when that perhaps wasn’t an option for them when they were younger. Whatever the case — I think I’m going to lean on my American sensibilities and say that most of us believe that we only have once chance to live our lives. Why not live them happily? Why spend so much energy worrying about what everyone thinks as long as you realize its what make you happy?

So if you are looking to me for a solution on how to break up with him gingerly — I don’t have one. I rather you explore the REAL  cost to you if you chose your boyfriend? Is he worth it? And vice-versa? Is your family worth the price you have to pay in marrying your boyfriend?

 

Dear GirlShrink,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a 2.5 year span of time. We broke up for a couple of months after just under a year together due to changing locations and situations/didn’t think it would work. We never really stopped talking during that time, although we did see other people, but we ended up getting back together officially about a year ago. Things have been really good, but we are still in different locations, with pretty much no end in sight. We love each other and have stayed together all this time long distance, but we never have talked about marriage or anything that long term. I don’t think I’m ready to get married, but I’m definitely ready to at least talk about the future. At some point in a long distance relationship, either one person has to move to be with the other person, or it’s over.

I think one of the problems is that he is two years younger than I am and that worries me because I think he might not be thinking about marriage for like another 5 years. Right now he is 22 and about to graduate from college. I don’t ever want to be in a relationship that I give an ultimatum about getting married or breaking up, but I worry that we just won’t be on the same page at the same time. I would wait for him to be ready, of course, if I knew he’d get there and want to marry me. My biggest concern is putting another couple of years into this relationship only for it to end because he is not ready. I don’t know what I should do because I’m very happy with him and want to be with him, but I need to think about my future too, especially since I’m a little older than he is.

Dear Concerned,

I can tell you this because I was once in your position at your age. You are younger than you really think and he definitely is. You are not in a place where you absolutely need to think about where the relationship is going, especially if it’s a great one. Just enjoy it where it is.

Anytime you spend in this relationship is not wasted time. If it ends up in marriage one day – nice. If it doesn’t – then that’s okay too. You have a few years before you should start to be concerned about “where” the relationship is going. Trust me:)

Dear GirlShrink,
Why can’t I move on? I began an affair in Feb. ’09. We are both married – over 40. Everything we experienced together was, for both of us, like nothing ever before. We both believed beyond a doubt that we were meant to be together, soul mates if you will, and some how we would work out being together. He did everything in his power to see me daily, communicate constantly. We had so much joy, fun and laughter, great conversation, contentment. A situation arose about 9 months later in which I became very vulnerable emotionally, and I reacted to it in such a way that scared him into wondering who I really was. I became, to him, a weak, needy, clingy
person, like his wife; not the strong, stable, independent woman he fell in love with. Without all the details, it went down hill daily from there.

We barely saw each other any more and he would never answer my questions about what was happening to us, he has difficulty discussing feelings. He finally told me in June, via text, that it wasn’t going to work, yet he did not actually say “good bye” or “it’s over”, and no longer answered my messages.

There was no closure – no face to face or verbal ending. I was recently in an area where he was, and I stopped there, texted him that I was there and wanted to see him. He came outside, I saw his face (after not seeing him for 4+ months) and I just broke down. He was very guarded, very cold (which is part of his personality anyway), bitter sounding, yet my heart still swells with love for him. I can’t get over him and I can’t stop thinking about him. I cry frequently, memories flood my mind all the time. I KNOW I am dead to him, that he will never see or speak to me again, yet my heart and mind can’t move on. I can’t understand how someone who truly loves someone could let it go seemingly so easily.

I have done a much as possible to focus my mind elsewhere, yet it always goes back to thoughts of him, of his face, touch, kiss, laughter. I can’t keep on like this, yet I have no idea what to do now. I don’t WANT to be without him in my life, and I have
never loved like this before. What can I do to put this behind me?

Jae/Houston, Texas

Dear Jae,
Thank you for your letter. I’m sure it will speak to a lot of men and women in a situation as this one. I think that in order for you to move on and move forward, you need to start looking at this relationship intellectually and not emotionally. You are deeply emotional about this man, this relationship, and the time you’ve spent together. Now is the time to look at this relationship through the lens of an outsider. Someone not emotionally invested. That’s me:)

First of all, I think you summed everything up for yourself  “I can’t understand how someone who truly loves someone could let it go seemingly so easily”. There you go. How can someone who truly loved you, all of you, end it like that? Well my answer is someone that realized that he wasn’t totally in love with ALL of you. Just parts of you.

It’s easy to fall into a false sense of security, euphoria, and joy with someone who only gets the best of you. The fun you. The excited you. The happy you. The spontaneous you. And vice-versa.

What you two miss out on when you are already attached to someone else is the daily grind of life. The bored you. The depressed you. The angry you. The unsatisfied you. The overwhelmed you. The crazy family stories. The money woes.

He thinks that he learned that you are some weak, needy woman like his wife, but what he really learned is that you are simply human just like his wife and any other woman that he chooses to have a relationship with. Maybe he doesn’t want a human woman, maybe he wants a fantasy. Or perhaps he had an epiphany and realized that he may need to work on things with the human woman he has at home.

Bottom line. You are pining away for a relationship that truly never was. I totally understand why you would miss the freshness, the feelings of being connected, the laughter, and good times – but that is just foreplay. You see what happened when the chips were down. When real life happened. He cut and ran.

This is not a man you should even think about spending a life with. Not to mention that you have a man at home who you aren’t finished with – I’m assuming – ore else where is the mention of divorce.

A real relationship, and man worthy of you, can weather the hills and valleys. The highs and lows. The laughs and sad times. It is slow and steady. It is safe. It is worth fighting for. It is respectful and reverent. That is what you are worth, and that is what you should work for in either your current marriage or your next relationship.

Dear GirlShrink,
I have been married for a little more than 2 years. It was an arranged marriage (India). Things were not terrible initially. But, it was never great either. Then, it started deteriorating and it was really ugly between his parents and mine and we got caught up in the whole thing. The sex life was not great either. He is very caring in terms of taking care of me physically like helping around the houese and always brings me gifts. But I feel completeley emotionally dead in the relationship and I think I will lose myself if I continue to be with him. However, I have talked about leaving him and he gets so emotional and says that he just cannot live without me.

Please advice me on what I need to here – I am unable to leave because I am not sure of what would happen to him and I feel guilty and harbor a sense of betrayal. But I don’t know if staying in this relationship is healthy for me.
Thanks,
shwn

Dear Shwn,
While I do not profess to be an expert on arranged marriages, I can say that it really probably is no different than other people who marry for other reasons than love. I think you need to ask yourself what those original reasons were and why they no longer are enough to support this marriage. Did you marry out of duty, tradition, loneliness, etc.? Were you ready for marriage? Did you want marriage, or was it just time to do it based on what others in your family or friends recommended.

If you are “unable” to leave, but feel that you are completely emotionally dead in this relationship, I wonder what type of advice you are actually asking for. How to make yourself feel something that you don’t feel? How to possibly feel less guilty about doing what is best for you and not for everyone? Well – at the end of this world, I believe that most human beings ask themselves if they lived the type of life

Dear GirlShrink,
Hi I have been going out with my girlfriend for a bit over 3 months but we started as friends for over 4 years. I have already said i love you to her and we have also been intimate but she has been unable to say “I love you” to me. She tells me that she cares a lot about me and that Im the only guy for her and i feel the same but i dont know if shes afraid to commit more to me or is it that she has never felt love?? HELP!

Dear Friend,
While I understand that you have been friends with your girlfriend, you have only been “together” for three months — and in my book that is not really enough time to wonder where she stands emotionally. She might be really happy and connected to you — but love is a strong commitment and means many things to different people.

I really feel that you should be happy with the fact that you are in a great relationship with someone you love, someone who you are happy with, and who clearly feels strongly for you. So just let that ride. Don’t start analyzing the relationship based on what she will or will not say. It’s too early for that. Relax and allow the relationship to grow on its own. If you drive yourself (or her) about this – you will most assuredly push her away.

Dear GirlShrink,
I met this guy a little while ago, and we hit it off immediately. Pretty soon, things got fairly hot and heavy between us. However, as of late, it’s starting to cool off, and I’m feeling very insecure. He assures me daily that he still cares very much for me, but I’m not sure his feelings run as deep as my own. I’m in love with him.

My friends tell me not to worry, that everything will work out. But I’m not so sure, GirlShrink. We’re not actually in a relationship, it’s more of a friends-with-benefits kind of thing. I know I shouldn’t let myself get involved in such an unreliable correlation, but I can’t help it. When I’m with him, I feel I’m the most important, most beautiful girl in the world, and he is good to me. Yet, our relationship is going nowhere. What should I do?

Dear Hot and Heavy,
I’m afraid I am only going to tell you what you already knew. You entered this “relationship” as many of us do — casually. And that’s what you still have – a casual relationship. That has no strings. He is fine. As he has expressed. Most likely, you have been intimate with him, which changes everything for most women. And you are not okay. You want the magic of the beginning of the relationship and you are worried that it is the beginning of the end — if that changes. Which I guess it is.

The reality of most relationships are that the journey on them goes in waves. Peaks and valleys. The beginning is often intense, heated, and wonderful. But rarely does it stay that way. And the worst thing you can do is continually ask for assurances from him that it will stay that way. Just stop. The #1 way to keep your relationship is to RELAX and keep it just as or even more casual than the man you are seeing. He will either LOVE that or rather will be intrigued why you are so relaxed.

Also, does this guy know that you want a committed relationship rather than a friends with benefits thing? And if not – why doesn’t he? And if he does know, and doesn’t want what you want, then why have you continued down this road with him? Just something to think about…

Dear GirlShrink,
Since about 4 months ago, my then serious boyfriend and I broke up because he was living in Spain while I lived in Holland. He didn’t want to lose me as a friend as well as girlfriend since he was convinced that we would end up fighting if we had continued it. We still love each other, and we still talk occasionally, but only as friends.

After a month I felt better and I knew it was the right thing to do, and I even met a new guy to distract myself with, but my ex-boyfriend would still be in my head constantly. I ended it with the new guy, and since then.. I’ve been missing my ex-boyfriend more and more… breaking down whenever I thought about the memories of him. Pretty much every night I would cry when I let myself think of him, it feels as if I’m in the same condition as I was when we first broke up. How do I move on? Will I ever move on?

Dear Friend,
Sounds like love to me. Plain and simple. But long distance is difficult. Very difficult. A relationship needs to be nurtured and worked on and that’s really hard to do when distance is a factor. But you know what, it’s really hard to move on from a relationship especially when there were deep feelings of love and respect. You kind of just don’t want to look for anything new when you feel you had the right thing before. But I am a strong believer that if something is meant to be – it will happen. Also if you both want things to happen, then it can. Did you two ever consider moving?

Finally – if moving isn’t just something that is realistic, then you really have no choice to move on. You have to make the decision to do it. Keep putting yourself in position to do fun things and new things. Meet new people. Try to keep your distance from your ex for a while until you are truly able to come back to the relationship as a friend and not a “girlfriend” waiting in the wings.

Hi Girlshrink,
I have been seeing a guy for about a month. He approached me in a pub one night & was very eager. He charmed me that night although he is not my usual type & I didn’t even notice him until he approached me. We both agree that we are an excellent match. We have so much fun together & amazing sex. He also loves my family. We have agreed to keep seeing each other & not to see other people. I can feel the relationship strengthening every time we see each other. The problem is that I am an extremely emotional person & I fall in love very quickly. I feel like I am already in love with him. He says that he really really likes me but he s not in love with me yet because it always takes him a long time to fall in love & he didn’t want to say he was in love yet because he didn’t want to hurt me. I don’t understand this. I feel like I know that I’m in love straight away so I suggested that we end it because if he is worried that he might hurt me it might be because I like him more than he likes me & so there’s no point going on with it. When I
suggested this he became quite angry & sad. He said this was because he loves spending time with me & he just wants things to keep going the way they are & he doesn’t want it to end. I don’t know what to do as I’m worried the longer I leave it the worse I will get hurt. We have agreed not to talk or see each other for 2 days (my idea). Do you think I should stop sleeping with him for a while or something?
Thanks.
Afraid.

Dear Afraid,
You remind me of a friend of mine. You just sabotaged a great relationship because of the possibility of getting hurt by someone who has been completely honest with you. BIG mistake. And let me correct you here and now. You do not fall in love easily. You attach yourself emotionally to people (or just men) easily. You need something and you are looking for it from your relationships, and then these feelings probably intensify when you are sexually intimate with them. That is your issue, not his.

Secondly, most people in a relationship are often in two different places in that relationship. It is very common for one person to have stronger feelings than the other in the beginning and that is not something you can force. Nor is it something that should be abandoned just because you both aren’t in the same place right now. To put this in the simplest of terms, RELAX. Enjoy what sounds like a great relationship and a great guy. When he is ready to say that he loves you – he will. Until then just enjoy the relationship and stop looking for words to define your relationship when actions actually speak much more loudly.

Dear Readers,

Today I’m flipping the script and asking you a question! Can you find true love in high school or is everyone so immature that true love cannot be found and/or sustained at that age?

Think back (if you can remember!) Were you in love with someone in high school? Or were you in Disney™ Love?