Dear GirlShrink,

I am in bad need of some girl advice. I am currently living with a man who has been married three times before. I met him fresh off his last marriage, he had been separated for only a short time before I came along, and our relationship speeded up his divorce. I won’t even get into what that divorce was like. The only way to describe it, is hell!

His wife was very angry because he had found someone else right away and did everything she could to make our lives miserable. We survived all that, and have been together two years. He is very kind and loving to me, however, he has told me he is not ready for marriage due to not “having his life together”. His divorce left him with many debts. I, on the other hand, really did not want to live together, and only did it because neither one of us could afford a place by ourselves.

We live in an economically challenged area and I have not been able to get a job and live mostly off his salary which barely covers the living expenses. To make matters worse, I very recently broke my leg and now I really feel incapacitated! I don’t have medical insurance and am scrambling to figure out what to do. My boyfriend, due to age, doesn’t have much of a future where he works and the fact that we live paycheck to paycheck, doesn’t give him much inclination to leave his current post. I’m finding myself feeling very resentful of the fact that I don’t have any benefits nor real commitment with this man, and wondering if I’m wasting my time with someone who is stringing me along. Enter a well-off old flame.
He lives across the country from me, but has recently told me he’d like to meet up again. He is single, very accomplished, and our chemistry was out of this world. We haven’t seen each other in years. I’ve told him I currently have someone in my life and can’t really do that, but I’ve been wondering…I don’t want to be materialistic, love my boyfriend, but not really “in love”. What is your advice?

Dear Not Really In Love,

Say What?! You’re living with a man that you’re not really in love with because you can’t afford to live on your own? That’s no more materialistic then you then dumping him to try out this well-off guy. Let’s be truthful here, if you cannot pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and create a good living for yourself, then you probably ought to consider attaching yourself to someone that can do more for you than be a boyfriend.

I’m not saying to cheat – I’m saying that you need to keep your options open if you are with a man that sounds like he probably isn’t going to commit to anyone anytime soon. He’s right – he’s not ready. And it doesn’t sound like you’re willing to wait until he gets himself together – rather IF he gets himself together.

What’s my advice? You can’t go bouncing around from one thing to another looking for the best situation. If you’re in this relationship, then be in it. Figure out how you can make your own money. Support him while he figures out his own life. And realize what it is. He never said he was going to marry you and you put up with it. Don’t look for more when that wasn’t the deal – unless you want to change the arrangement.

If you want to get out and see what else is going on. Be truthful. And move on. Living off of your boyfriend while you date another is bad relationship karma. Nothing good will come your way.

Dear GirlShrink,

I’ve recently broken up with a married man “Ken”, who I had been dating for about 9 months. We met at work, he approached me on a work do saying that he
has been attracted to me for a while (looks and whole personality)and he had been unhappy in his marriage for the last 3 years and had tried to leave his wife before but she keeps begging him to take her back and wears him down emotionally.

I had been attracted to “Ken” for a little while (which he did not know), but would never have dreamed of actively trying to break them up or make any move on him. I was also in an unhappy relationship at the time (with “Bob”). Me and Ken started talking to each other on the phone for hours on end and going for lunches together. As we got to know each other more, our feelings grew stronger for each other, I decided that if I felt this way about someone else, then I couldn’t feel as strongly for “Bob” as I should do and it obviously was not the right relationship for me.

After one lunch date with “Ken”, we decided that it was too hard for us to talk on the phone and meet each other if we were going to try and work at our relationships (which we always encouraged each other to do), so we stopped speaking and meeting for a while (about a month or so). In this time I broke up with “Bob”. Ken also left his wife and moved back to his parents… they were staying at her parents at the time while they were doing up a house they had just brought… (Ken said that she had pressured him into buying this particular house which crippled them financially). I think he moved back home to get away from her family and they had a big fall out. I think his wife just saw it as a break…

Well, after he moved out and I told him that I had split up with “Bob”, he asked me out on a date… We dated for about 3 months before the relationship became physical. Even before dating I always had a concern that maybe once their new house had all been fixed up, then he would just get back with her and resume their relationship. But, the fact that he had left her and was telling her that their relationship wasn’t working (and wasn’t going to work unless she did counselling, which she had always refused to do), along with the fact that he didn’t just jump into bed with me, made me feel like maybe this was the real deal???

He took me home to meet his parents and introduced me to his family as his new girlfriend… This really made me feel like he was serious about me! He wanted me involved with his daughter as well (taking her to the park etc). Eventually, the wife found out about me and made things difficult for him. He wasn’t allowed to see his little girl away from the new house (which she had moved into now) and he was not allowed to have her at his parents house over night (to give the wife a break), as she thought that he would have me round there to spend time with her.

She started doing the counselling. He was also doing counselling, as he said that he finds it difficult to deal with her emotions and constant guilt trip. He kept rejecting her saying that it’s too late for them because he is with me now and i make him happy, but she did not give up. He was told at counselling that he would not be allowed to get his money out of their property until his child turned 16, which is what he said that he thought he would be able to do, in order to be able to set up a new life for himself… After he was told this, it all changed for us.

He could not see how we could have a life together with no money, he said that he wanted to be able to provide for me as that’s what I deserve and he wouldn’t be able to cope with me trying to support him, that wouldn’t work and isn’t right. He was also thinking that he’s paid a lot and worked hard for that house and so by moving in there, he would be able to enjoy some life with his nice house and daughter, rather than have a difficult life. So, he split up with me and has started relationship counselling with his wife… We still kept seeing and speaking to each other over the last month that we have been split, discussing if/ how we could have a future together. He says that its not fair on me that i would have to deal with so much hate (from her and her family), his parents are saying he’s selfish if he doesn’t try and work at his marriage and that we would have a constant battle ahead of us. His wife had threatend to move away with his little girl if he got back with me and how she couldn’t cope with it (more emotional blackmail).

I text him asking if it’s me that he really wants to be with me and if he thinks our relationship would be worth the wait… he said “there is a chance but he has to do what’s right first and doesn’t know how things will work out”.

So that’s the jist of my story, my question is… Do you think he is genuine in feeling strongly for me and may find a way to be with me??? (I kind of felt like he did this when we first got together by moving to his parents) Or, is this just a chapter that a lot married men go through (like a mid- life crisis) but will always end up staying with the wife (even if they feel that they are not completely happy)? He says that he will never have with her what he had with me and he would just have to accept/ deal with that… If you can make any sense of this situation, i would be grateful for your thoughts.

I know that he’s married and I should have done the right thing by walking away at the start, but this didn’t feel like a normal “affair”, as he left her and I believed that he actually wanted to be with me… He tells me that he has told her that he is struggling to get over me and can’t take part in physical activities with her because his feelings are still with me at the moment. I want to believe this, as we did have a very electric connection… But I question how genuine he is, as I know he has lied to her constantly about things…

Thanks, Ella

Hello Ella,

I hate to sound so “jaded” but I know married men very well, and while I think that this man has genuine feelings for you, I think that if he truly wanted a future with you then he would have made it happen. And perhaps he would have moved on with you IF it was very easy to do. The fact that things have been made slightly “difficult” or uncomfortable for him is why you are sitting home alone – writing this letter.

I suppose the question is whether or not you were worth the discomfort or whether he truly didn’t want you to have to deal with what would come next – the arguments, the custody arrangements, living on less money, etc. Maybe it’s a bit of both.

It takes a lot of bravery to leave a marriage. Especially when there are children involved. And one’s livelihood. You have to really want to be with that person. And I’m not sure if he is there or will ever get there.

I think you need to make the decision to emotionally move on, this man has made it pretty clear that he wants to try and work things out at home whether it is right or wrong. That is his decision to make. All you can do is go on with your life.

Sure this may have felt like a “different” affair, but that is what everyone thinks. Feelings can always come up between two people, but how you act on those feelings is what determines if it’s “something special” or just another affair.

Dear GirlShrink,
I have been in a lesbian relationship for 3 and half years…..we married 2 years ago.  We separated 2 months ago and since then she has become even closer friends with my ex-husband.  I just found out that they went on a fishing trip together and shared a bed.  She has betrayed my trust and has had an emotional affair with him.  She called him “her rock” during the beginning part of our separation (which by the way she initiated by moving everything out of the house one day without warning).  I can’t trust her and feel unsafe around her, especially since they both have shared so much information about me with each other.  I am seeking a to dissolve our marriage.  Would you agree this is the right thing to do?  I don’t see any other options.  (this is the reader’s digest version, by the way….
Thank you
Edie

Dear Edie,
I want to tug a little bit of her hair out for you! Your ex  is playing a lot of immature games that have completely violated any trust you have built over the years. Especially by reaching out to the one other person who you have been intimately involved with. That was just unfair. Like you said, I’m sure there must be more to the story, because it sounds as if she was reaching out to your ex-hubby because of the fact that he was another person that knew you as deeply as she did. And thought that he could lend some understanding to her “situation” with you. Whatever that may be. Perhaps your ex sees you as the problem and she thought he could support her in those feelings.

So the real question here is: What do you want to do? I can’t tell you whether or not to dissolve your marriage. Marriage is a very serious commitment and I don’t take it lightly. Other options are to seek counseling. BUT if your ex left and has no plans on trying to work things out and has limited communication with you — then perhaps the next step would be to dissolve the union. It will take two to put things back on track, and I’m not sure if you are both in a place to get that done right now.

Dear GirlShrink,

We’re both in our mid 30s. I met M a year and a half ago. He was in a 13 years marriage. We were strangely connected the first time we met at a social thing at work then we realised we both painted a similar subject of painting at a point of our lives and it was scarily identical. We lived in different countries and I told him that I would not be involved with a married man so we kept it platonic.

He pursued me for half a year and during those times, I made it as harsh as possible to let him know that it would not be possible for us to pursue a relationship while he was married. He travelled often to my country to see me. I was wary although I was attracted. Finally I stopped all contact for 2 months with him although he text me everyday.

5 months later he called me and told me that he was moving out of his house. Then he told me that they’ve decided to get a divorce, and soon the wife/kids went back to their home country. I was still very wary at this point but decided to talk to him. I questioned and questioned and I felt that he was utterly honest with me.

M got married when he got his wife knocked up at 21. He felt responsible and married her, and had a problematic marriage (according to him, jealousy, fights, trust issues) but they continued the marriage because of the kid, and 6 years later they took another try by having a 2nd child. Relationship between them didn’t improve despite the kids and counselling but turned for worse as he cheated on his wife with a short affair. His wife didn’t know about this. He told me that he was emotionally detached to his wife for more than 10 years and I wasn’t a rebound.

I agreed to try long distance for 6 months and we fell madly in love with each other. Then I found a great job in his country and I moved. We had a lot of debate on whether to live together, and we took the plunge. His divorce got very complicated in the midst of all these, wife sued, didn’t want to settle, dragged on for a full year. He got into an emotional distress and became obsessively paranoid about everything. I had to hide when someone rings the doorbell.

During this period of 6 months living together, I was going through his divorce with him everyday. It was very stressful as I was coping with new country, my stuff was in storage all the while, he would pay for another apartment and made me move at any point he felt that his wife was going to send someone to check on him. I was the ‘hidden’ relationship. I wasn’t happy but he kept me going with his love and assurance and told me to have faith.

I started to get into emotional swings where I doubted him but he always managed to convince me all will be fine after his wife finally let him go. Last two months we had huge fights, I got so frustrated with him that  I wanted to break up and move out, and I broke glasses and pushed him. I’ve never done that to anyone before.

Finally he agreed that I moved out. And 2 weeks later he broke up with me. Then 2 weeks after the break up, he told me the wife finally signed the papers. But he had no intention to get back together.

I am in a place where I felt that we did the right thing breaking up but at the same time I felt that we could’ve worked things out and it is partially my fault. I’m not sure if I’m being objective in this situation because we were both at faults – he shouldn’t jump into relationship with me and convinced me I was the one for him and I shouldn’t have lashed out at him the way I did.

I want to give it a try again so badly because I’ve had many relationships before and I know when I met the right one. Unfortunately I only managed to realise this just before he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He’s called me several times after the break up and wanted to be friends. He told me he still loves me but he realised that he couldn’t give me his 100% and it would be unfair to me. He realised that he shouldn’t have started this while going through a divorce. I let him go, didn’t plead with him, and finally told him not to call me again and let me move on and stop giving me hope. And he said he has hope for us but he respects my decision not to keep in
touch.

I guess I have the answers – move on, don’t wait. If he loves me he will come back. I just don’t know if he feels the same way about me and if he is truly sincere about being hopeful about us and all he needs is some time to sort himself out?

Dear In Over Her Head,
I call you that because you made a lot of big life decisions and got in way over your head with this relationship. Is it not the cardinal rule to not get involved with a married man? The reasons for this are not just moral but also because it is extremely difficult for any human being to be 100% in a relationship with someone while they are still married to someone else.

While he may have married her for the right or wrong reasons years ago. While they may have been young. The bottom line is is that they were married, they made vows, the lived together for years, slept together, created and raised two children. There is an emotional connection you form with someone based upon a shared emotional journey. So to think that they were both do disconnected that this would be smooth sailing is a bit naive on both of your parts.

So now you are in his country. Building a life without him when you probably only searched for a new job there because of him. Chances are you will connect with him again because everything there probably reminds you of him. Yet I still think that everything is still new and raw for him and his ex. Let things settle down. Let him get into a new rhythm as a divorced man.  After a while, date if you want, but stay in separate residences. There is no need to rush things. He does not need to go from one serious relationship into another one.

Does he still love you? I’m sure he still does. But divorce is emotional. Volatile. People outside the couple get involved. No one likes change. So people get anxious and say crazy things. I’m saying that you should allow the dust to settle, and then see where things stand.

Dear GirlShrink,
I have a bit of quandary, and I need some advice. My boyfriend of two years has been in and out of the state since we started dating (due to his schooling). Well, he has about 10 days of vacation coming up and he’s decided to take a ten hour drive to go and see a girl-buddy of his, and let’s be frank here, I’m feeling a bit… weird about it. This is a really new feeling for me as, although I — like everyone else — have the occasional bout of jealousy, I’m not a terribly jealous person. What’s more, he has several female friends, and I’ve never felt quite like this before. There are two reasons why this is sort of bugging me.

One, whenever he mentions her he sounds sort of dreamy — like he has a crush or something. And two, she tends to be very… very touchy-feely with him. When he brought
up this trip he halfheartedly asked if I wanted to go, and when I hesitated a bit he said, “oh, all right. I just didn’t know how you’d feel about me staying at my girlfriend’s house.” So now I’m faced with two options. I could either go (without an actual invitation from his friend) and be sort of uncomfortable, or I could sit at home feeling a little weird about the whole thing. So, I suppose I have a few questions. For starters, is it really odd that I’m feeling this way? And finally, what should I do — go or stay? Thanks so much!

Massively Conflicted
Phoenix, Arizona

Dear Massively Conflicted,
He does sound like he has a crush on this girl and frankly, the fact that he is driving 10 hours to see her only makes me think that he is subconsciously acting on that crush. Do I think you are weird for being uncomfortable – no. It’s perfectly fine to have your guard up and be protective of your relationship. As for the other part, the “friend” didn’t invite you – therefore I wouldn’t go – but I would absolutely have a blunt and honest conversation with  your guy. You can’t skirt around the issue. Tell him how you are feeling (in a non-confrontational way), and ask him honestly how he things he feels about this girl. If has ever liked her in the past or if she was available would he want to be with her. I find that asking the hard questions and looking the person in the eye, tells you everything you need to know. Sure – people can lie – but its not something everyone can do with ease. You may see  it in his eyes or mannerisms if he is uncomfortable with your questions. Or if he gets unnecessarily defensive, you know that you’re on to something as well. That’s my take on it. Does anyone else have any recommendations?

Dear GirlShrink,

Three years ago i met this man and started to really like him but he was engaged at the time we met and he decided to be faithful to his fiance, so
we decieded to be just friends. I then met someone else and started to feel like he was the one and me and the other man lost communication. I have always heard the other man used to ask about me, but i didnt want to get my feeling hurt again. Now 3 years later me and my boyfriend are having problems and i ran into the other guy and we started hanging out. Him and his wife are having issues and are on the verge of divorce. I really want to be with him but i dont want to hurt my current boyfriends feelings. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between the two.What should i do please help.

Dear Torn,

There are too many MAYBE’S in this story. He might be getting a divorce. You are having problems with your boyfriend but you aren’t broken up. I don’t think there is a decision to make at all. You are cheating on your boyfriend at least emotionally with this other man — that MUST be contributing to your problems. So how’s that going to get better? This other guy has been cheating on his wife early on – before the marriage – do you really think that things will be different with you? There is no decision to make until one of you makes a real move.

If this other guy wasn’t in the equation, would you want to work things out with your boyfriend? If so – then you should.

If this guy is on the “verge” of divorce for the next two years, are you still going to “hang out” with him? Divorce is messy. Many couples stay married for a very long time before they finally make a real move towards divorce – signed divorce papers! Let’s see what he’s going to do and how fast it happens before you start making decisions in your own life. You wouldn’t want to ruin a 3 year relationship because you thought you could be with this other man – and it doesn’t happen.

What I’m basically saying is that you should not make a decision about your boyfriend based on this other man. That says a lot about your relationship and your commitment to him. Listen – problems happen. The true measure of a relationship is what you do when problems arise. Do you work through them or do you always bail?

Dear Girlshrink,

Me and my boyfriend are seperated at the moment, We started casually seeing other people but their is this one guy im particular that makes me smile and feel like a kid again. The only problem is he’s my boyfriends brother! I need your honest and serious opinion on this subject. I know it’s wrong but it feels so right, like this was suppose to happen. My boyfriend has no idea what’s going on… I mean there really is nothing to tell. I have never ever been intimate with his brother in any way We just like the good vibes we bring to one another He’s a great person and makes me happy and I make him happy..But he is the brother of my former boyfriend and the uncle of my child…Is it really wrong?

Dear Flirting With Danger,
Yes, this is wrong because it will only bring complications and drama to your life and the life of your child. This is only a flirtation at this point, if it is even that, because I don’t know if the brother reciprocates your feelings of extreme like – but let’s just keep it at that. No further. I know that you and your boyfriend are not together right now but you may find the brother all of a sudden appealing because you have unresolved feelings for your ex. Don’t risk what could be “hell” for everyone because of the good vibes. Just be friends. You can have that relationship forever.

Dear GirlShrink,
I am a 23 year old girl and have been in a relationship for almost 6 years with a guy of my age. We have had a long distance for 3 years since he was studying abroad. He came back recently. In the past 2 years I have been talking to this friend who is my best friend. We share everything and get along like we have known each other for ages. He has always supported me in everything and been a great friend. My boyfriend and I have never been compatible since we are very different ppl but have been accepting each other always.

But now I feel that I am in love with my best friend. My bf ditched me twice when he was abroad and then my best friend was there for me. He was always there for me . Even though we lived at different cities.

My best friend and I are working together now since 2 months and I have been extremely attracted to him. We are so compatible its unbelievable. Over time I have realized that my bf and I are two separate ppl are too opposite to get along. I really don’t know. I have been putting in a lot of effort to make my relationship work with my bf but I am always thinking of my best friend and in fact I made out with him last week when we were in an intimate moment. I have cheated on my bf but I still don’t know what to do.

Everyone knows about my bf and me , my family his family. But all I think of is my best friend now. Please help me. Thank you

Dear Friend,
I think you have clearly answered your own dilemma. You have more of a connection with your best friend. While it may be a little scary because you have been friends for so long and you don’t want jeopardize that relationship — the connection cannot be ignored.

The best relationships, the best marriages, are between people who have a strong friendship. While television would like you to think something different, the truth is that friendship should be at the base of every long-term relationship. Without it — the relationship is sure to die a slow death. I say go for it and make it work!

I lied to a friend/lover regarding a voice mail that I sent to his old classmate (that was starting to get in touch with him). I prenteded to be his wife and I told her to leave his family alone, in turn the class mate emailed his wife and questioned the voice mail that was left on her phone. My lover’s wife replied that she had not called anyone.

When I was approched by my lover if I was the one that pretended to be his wife and left the message, I said no. I guess with fear that I’d loose his trust and relationship which we have been having for 20years.(his wife does not know) It’s been bothering me so much that I lied to him and I don’t know if I should come clean with him even if it means loosing him…What should I do?

Dear Friend,

You almost single-handedly jeopardized your so-called relationship by pulling this juvenile stunt. You really need to ask yourself why you even bothered doing this? How did you know that an old classmate was trying to get in touch with him? Were you checking his voicemail? Why is this man your “lover”? Why are you not seeing a truly available man. This guy sounds like he likes to keep a few women around for safe-keeping but will never leave his wife. That’s why he wanted to know if you did it. He wants to make sure you never do that again — because he does not want to lose the wife. The #1 person in his life, regardless what he does or shares with you.

Back to your question, if it truly is bothering you and you can’t get past it, then it probably makes sense to just come clean. If your relationship is tried and true, then he will not abandon you. And you will feel a lot better. Again though – the real key to this whole thing is for you to analyze why you did it in the first place and try to stop that from happening again.

Dear GirlShrink,

Hi Friend,

Your guy is smothered all right, smothered with the truth smacking him upside his head! He knows that he cannot juggle you, the other woman, the wife, all the kids involved, and his family forever. He’s got to grow up and make choices. Unfortunately, we have yet to determine when any man is finally ready to “grow up” and act like an adult. Look at Tiger Woods!

There are things that you can make an educated guess about in this scenario. He is married, and that is much bigger then what you have with him. Trust me. Whether it is bigger because it means more to him, to his family, the reasons why don’t matter. It’s just a bigger animal to contend with. Marriages do not break up lightly – well in Hollywood:) — but not in the real world. Cheaters rarely leave their wives.

You haven’t met the mom and dad because you are not being presented as the new love of his life. Being introduced to the brothers is very different. It’s like “look at this new, sexy, woman I have! Aren’t you guys jealous?” It’s very different.

I’m sure you have heard it before, but you need to be really careful before you introduce a new man into your life, the lives of your children, and family. You need to be sure that you can trust him. You can’t trust this guy. He cannot give you what you want emotionally because he is torn emotionally in other places – first being with the wife.

Honestly – it’s a mess waiting to become an even bigger mess. Get out now!