Dear GirlShrink,
In High School I fell for this girl. She was smart, beautiful, strong and independent. She had never been with anyone (not that she didn’t have plenty of opportunity) and I played it safe, becoming good friends with her. But as High School came to an end she was going to leave for college and I was leaving for basic training. Near the end I fessed up and told her that I liked her a lot more then I had led on and she freaked. We ended up fighting and she ended up not speaking to me for months. I recently got out of basic training and made an attempt to get back in touch with her, on a tip from her sister that she actually cared for me in return. She started talking to me again but… it’s for less than ten minutes at a time max and she is so wrapped up in college life. I get it, I do, but it hurts to bad that I’m hiding how I feel just so I can at least be her friend again. Please tell me what I can do to become a significant part of her life again, until she is ready to be with somebody… hopefully me.

Dear Enlisted Guy,
I feel for you, I really do. I know what it’s like to be in the “friend zone” and not want to be there. It’s a frustrating place to be. But like it or not, that’s where you are and that’s where you will remain until your young lady says otherwise. She is probably afraid to ruin your friendship, be in a committed relationship, or she isn’t mature enough yet to realize that your friends really do make the best romantic partners. Whatever the reason, it might be best to just have another honest conversation with her and see what happens. Tell her you realize that you two are great friends and you want to get that back. If she doesn’t respond to that, I don’t really know what kind of “true” friend she really was.

Dear GirlShrink,
I’m 23 years old, and I have been with my current boyfriend for a year and a half. When I started dating him, he blew me away. He was like no other guy I have ever met before, a complete gentleman. I had so much fun with him, and still do, but there is one nagging issue in our relationship. Only about 2 months into our relationship, his ex-girlfriend began contacting me via Facebook. She told me that he was still texting her, and telling her that he loved her and was going to be with her. I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t even imagine how she found out who I was.

My boyfriend denied it, of course, and said she is the type to start trouble, and that she has contacted every girl he ever dated before me and even while they were still together. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt; our relationship was still new. And so began a series of messages and emails that I would receive every couple months or so and until this very day.

She would go from trying to tell me that he is a no good cheater to a couple months down the line trying to tell me to back off because they were going to be together. My boyfriend would tell me that I needed to ignore her. She would write very long, detailed emails and it is very difficult for me at this point to separate truth and lies.

Most recently, I received a message from an obviously fake name stating that my boyfriend has cheated on me with numerous girls and has other girlfriends. I replied and asked that if this is true then why not tell me who these girls are and how you know. I never received a response. I usually have very good judgement, but this has been eating away at me for so long because I just can’t tell. I have become suspicious of everything, but I hide it very well. He does not realize this, but it is almost an obsession that I really can’t take my mind off. I even have frequent dreams that are always different, but involve some type of situation where he is really cheating and I find out, or his ex-girlfriend is often just in a dream. I really don’t know what to do or if I’ll ever really know the truth, and I have a terrible fear of looking like a fool. I just don’t know how to handle this situation anymore.

Nichole, Seattle, WA

Hi Nichole,

Guess what – you already know what you should do and I think you want me to validate what you are already thinking. So here it is… I always recommend to women that all the answers that we are looking for are within us. It’s not some spiritual mumbo jumbo, but more often than not – the truth. My instincts have rarely failed me. If you feel that there must be some truth to this, and I mean feel it in your gut, then there probably is a reason not to trust him.

This has been going on for at least 15 months and your boyfriend has done nothing to stop it but tell you to “ignore her”. It could be due to his youth, but any man I know who sees a threat to his relationship will do something to eliminate that threat. He has not done that, and perhaps because his conscience isn’t allowing him to.

Of course there is always a sliver of a chance that this is just some off-balanced woman who wants revenge. Perhaps he cheated horrible on her and doesn’t want him to have any peace. If that is so – wouldn’t you want to know that as well? Have you directly asked him about his relationship with this woman? How long did it last. What type of relationship was it – how intense. Who ended it. Has he had any current contact with her.

Another thing I must add, you’re 23. You are too young to spend your evenings having nightmares about this mess. While it is possible that this is just some random crazy woman harassing you, is all of this drama worth it? Is this guy who you are having serious doubts about really worth all this inner turmoil? Of course I can tell you that it absolutely isn’t. That you are going to meet so many more worthy men as you move on in life – but would you believe me?

Look at it this way, if he called you tonight and told you “Listen, it’s all true. I have been talking to her and leading her on. I’m sorry.” What would you do? Would you accept his apology? Or would you move on? Just how deeply invested are you in this guy and just how much do you want to protect yourself?

Dear GirlShrink,
So I am in a very loving relationship. my guy pays for most things when we go out for example, when we go out to eat 99% of the time he will pay but if we stay in then 90% of the time I go to the market, pay for food, fix it and have it ready for him when he gets off work.  we have the same small fight over and over agin, I will mention the awesome flowers I just saw a man getting for his wife, or how I would really love some flowers soon but he never gets the hint.  and every time i try to bring it up to him that I would love it if he would pick me up some flowers he gets upset and basically throws the other things that he pays for in my face.  it makes me feel like i am asking him for too much.  please tell me are $10.99 rose to much every so often?

Dear Flower Power,
Amen! Is it too much to ask? No. Do most men do it – no. In my experience, you have to be specific and clear about wanting flowers. When you want them. What kind you like. Etc. OR you just deal with the fact that no matter how many “hints” you drop, that your guy just doesn’t get it and won’t buy you flowers.

If your guy isn’t a romantic at heart, I wouldn’t look for too many bouquets from him — and I think you have to come to some sort of place where that’s okay. You asking for flowers obviously made him feel as if you were unappreciative of all that he does do – so I’d probably just leave this one thing alone – and buy yourself some flowers!

Dear GirlShrink,
I have been married for a little more than 2 years. It was an arranged marriage (India). Things were not terrible initially. But, it was never great either. Then, it started deteriorating and it was really ugly between his parents and mine and we got caught up in the whole thing. The sex life was not great either. He is very caring in terms of taking care of me physically like helping around the houese and always brings me gifts. But I feel completeley emotionally dead in the relationship and I think I will lose myself if I continue to be with him. However, I have talked about leaving him and he gets so emotional and says that he just cannot live without me.

Please advice me on what I need to here – I am unable to leave because I am not sure of what would happen to him and I feel guilty and harbor a sense of betrayal. But I don’t know if staying in this relationship is healthy for me.
Thanks,
shwn

Dear Shwn,
While I do not profess to be an expert on arranged marriages, I can say that it really probably is no different than other people who marry for other reasons than love. I think you need to ask yourself what those original reasons were and why they no longer are enough to support this marriage. Did you marry out of duty, tradition, loneliness, etc.? Were you ready for marriage? Did you want marriage, or was it just time to do it based on what others in your family or friends recommended.

If you are “unable” to leave, but feel that you are completely emotionally dead in this relationship, I wonder what type of advice you are actually asking for. How to make yourself feel something that you don’t feel? How to possibly feel less guilty about doing what is best for you and not for everyone? Well – at the end of this world, I believe that most human beings ask themselves if they lived the type of life

Dear GirlShrink,

My boyfriend won’t spend the night.  What’s going on? Sometimes he’ll come over late, and we’ll hook up. He may even fall asleep, but he always wakes up and leaves at three or four in the morning.

We have been seeing each other for a month now, and he has spent the night a few times. I need to know how to go about approaching him with the subject without pushing him away. Any advice would be much appreciated!

- Molly, Annapolis, MD

Dear Molly,
Well there are a few theories here. 1. Either he has someone else to get back home to or for and he can never stay until the morning. 2. He is afraid of serious commitment, so he leaves. 3. You are a for lack of a better term, a “booty call” and that’s what happens with booty calls. No one ever spends the night.

If he truly is your boyfriend and you are in a committed relationship, you should be able to ask him a question like this and expect an answer and not attitude. If you start your relationship holding back asking questions out of fear — then you will be putting yourself in a really bad position for the rest of your relationship.

Dear GirlShrink,
Hello. I have recently started talking to this man I met.  We were talking and I thought things were going great.  However, he is 39 and I am 21.  Also, another catch.  He just recently told me he is getting divorced.  He met me before he was served with divorce papers.  What is a girl to do? I find him very attractive and love talking to him, but I feel like a home-wrecker and feel I shouldn’t be in the middle of his divorce and family.  I strongly believe that women give themselves bad representations in regards to cheating on significant others, however I feel like I have cheated his family since I didn’t know he was married.  Is it my place to just walk away?

Dear Friend,
Walk away. He lied from the beginning and his relationship with his soon to be ex is far from over. Divorce is messy. It is absolutely up to you if you want to take a chance and waste a year of your life waiting on his divorce to be finalized, meeting his family, getting him to commit. At 21, you should be dating different people and figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life — not getting involved in this mess.

I met this girl I really like whose name is Lauren  and it started out as her telling me she liked me so we tried to go out. It didn’t work because she said it felt like it was a brother sister relationship. We broke up but stayed friends. We still flirted a little but nothing further. So I started talking to another girl and Lauren came back and told me she liked me so I stopped talking to the other girl and me and Lauren started taliking again. I really like Lauren. So we were texting one day and she said she was frustrated and I asked why and she said she was trying to choose between two guys and which one to date. So I said I know one is me but who is the other guy.

She then said that I was niether of them. I was heart broken and she denies it to this day that she did nothing wrong. She plays with my emotions too like she will invite me to spend the night at her house and she will be real flirty but the second I touch her she tells me to back off. Some days she ignores me and someday she doesn’t. And I would be long gone but I can’t leave her for some reason. What should I do I am at a dead end?

Dear Mr. Dead End,

Get away from this girl fast. She is keeping you around because you give her attention when she needs or wants it. When she is getting it elsewhere, that is when you don’t hear from her. She is using you. I’m not sure if the is conscious of it or not, but that is so not the point. The point is  – is that you sound like a really nice guy and you deserve someone who can appreciate that and not take advantage of it. You haven’t left her alone yet, because you see what you want to see. You want to believe everything she says, but her actions speak volumes. Leave her alone and move on.

Dear GirlShrink,
Okay. i recently had my first child. i broke up with my baby’s father when i was pregnant because i “thought” he cheated(still a mystery).after having my son, we still keep in contact, at least once a day.our chemistry is crazy. i asked him where do he see us in the future and he said really good friends. but we have slept together(while he was with his girlfriend)they broke up because of us being so close. i want to be with him but i don’t know if he wants to be with me. i keep playing it off as im cool wit us being friends,but deep down i want us to be more. and since the break up with his girlfriend he hasn’t initiated us getting together, even though im the first person he told. i don’t know what to do, its tearing me up, should i keep playing his friend or take a chance and initiate love. (if he loves me) ah!

Dear New Mom,
This is a classic case of a woman not paying attention to what a man is telling her and showing her. He may have cheated on you (chances are if you felt that instinctually – that he did), he said he wants to be really good friends, and he hasn’t initiated anything with you since the break up. What more does he have to say or do at this point? I understand that you probably have strong feelings for this man, even may love him, especially since you now share a child — but that those feelings and your baby are not enough to make a relationship happen AND make it successful. There has to be a strong desire from BOTH of you to want to make it work, to want to be together, etc. My advice is to move on, but work well together co-parenting.

Hey GirlShrink,
After 6 months of moving on with my life, my ex (who dumped me) still continues to bad mouth about me. She made a lot of negative comments to me through the public such as friends and also in blogs where alot of people started telling me all these items. As well, she started dating another person during that period of trash talking me.

My question is why is it that she keeps on talking about me? I haven’t bothered her for over a long period of time. Please help it is getting really irritating!

Hi Irritated,

You haven’t really given me a lot of information to go on, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that you p!##@* her off which is what led her to dumping you OR she feels so guilty for dumping you that she feels the need to talk “trash” about you so that others can support her in her decision to let you go.

In either case, there is not much you can or need to do but let her play out her immature ramblings while you go on with your life. If it gets to a point (online) where she is lying and damaging your reputation then you can try and contact the site owners and asked for the comments to be removed. But that is a long and hard road sometimes. Even folks with money and lawyers have a hard time getting that done.

So my vote is to ignore her. Keep ignoring her. And remember that the more she talks about you – the more you can bank that she is NOT really over you. She’s just fooling herself.

I have been dating someone for the past almost 3 months. We have both been in serious relationships in the past and wanted to ease into this to see where it goes before we made it a committment – my idea actually. During the past three months we have spent a tremendous amount of time together and its
been great. I didnt bring up the idea of a “relationship” because I was enjoying it.  We never said that we wouldnt see other people but for my part I began to take it as implied as we spent almost every weekend together and I didnt want to see anyone else.  Everything was going great. Until last weekend.

To make a long story short he told me that he slept with someone else.  His story was that he was getting scared because he was starting to have strong feelings for me and didnt want to committ to someone he couldnt see himself marrying. He then proceeds to tell me that it wasnt until he slept with this other person that he realized that he wanted to be with me and wanted to make it serious and could in fact see himself marrying me.

It is at this point he asks if I would take the next step with him…. I am obviously horrified and angry and hurt, etc. But on the otherhand completely in love with him.  He is sick with guilt and promises me that once I am his girlfriend he would never cheat.  What do I do? Before he told me about the other (I have horrible names for her) I would have loved to be with him, but now I feel sick about it.  Am I an idiot to stay with him?

Dear Sick About It,
I understand how you feel. Kind of would have been better not to have known about that woman right? Well, I must admit that I applaud your guy’s honesty or relief of guilt. It’s either one or the other. But that’s really neither here or there. This is the deal…

You are NOT an idiot about any of this. You are right to have reservations but you also have the right to consider what he has said to be the truth. If it were me, I would go ahead and try and move forward. There have been many good relationships built on much more rockier circumstances. Plus I love the fact that regardless of the reason, he was able to tell you the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.

I know that it may be hard at first to “forget” about this woman — but it’s really up to you to not allow her to enter your relationship any further (in your head). Just make it clear that you want to be crystal clear about the relationship from this point on. The commitment level. If marriage is in the future (if that’s what you want). Etc. The worse that can happen is that it doesn’t work out. The best – is that this man is the love of your life.