Dear GirlShrink,

I am in bad need of some girl advice. I am currently living with a man who has been married three times before. I met him fresh off his last marriage, he had been separated for only a short time before I came along, and our relationship speeded up his divorce. I won’t even get into what that divorce was like. The only way to describe it, is hell!

His wife was very angry because he had found someone else right away and did everything she could to make our lives miserable. We survived all that, and have been together two years. He is very kind and loving to me, however, he has told me he is not ready for marriage due to not “having his life together”. His divorce left him with many debts. I, on the other hand, really did not want to live together, and only did it because neither one of us could afford a place by ourselves.

We live in an economically challenged area and I have not been able to get a job and live mostly off his salary which barely covers the living expenses. To make matters worse, I very recently broke my leg and now I really feel incapacitated! I don’t have medical insurance and am scrambling to figure out what to do. My boyfriend, due to age, doesn’t have much of a future where he works and the fact that we live paycheck to paycheck, doesn’t give him much inclination to leave his current post. I’m finding myself feeling very resentful of the fact that I don’t have any benefits nor real commitment with this man, and wondering if I’m wasting my time with someone who is stringing me along. Enter a well-off old flame.
He lives across the country from me, but has recently told me he’d like to meet up again. He is single, very accomplished, and our chemistry was out of this world. We haven’t seen each other in years. I’ve told him I currently have someone in my life and can’t really do that, but I’ve been wondering…I don’t want to be materialistic, love my boyfriend, but not really “in love”. What is your advice?

Dear Not Really In Love,

Say What?! You’re living with a man that you’re not really in love with because you can’t afford to live on your own? That’s no more materialistic then you then dumping him to try out this well-off guy. Let’s be truthful here, if you cannot pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and create a good living for yourself, then you probably ought to consider attaching yourself to someone that can do more for you than be a boyfriend.

I’m not saying to cheat – I’m saying that you need to keep your options open if you are with a man that sounds like he probably isn’t going to commit to anyone anytime soon. He’s right – he’s not ready. And it doesn’t sound like you’re willing to wait until he gets himself together – rather IF he gets himself together.

What’s my advice? You can’t go bouncing around from one thing to another looking for the best situation. If you’re in this relationship, then be in it. Figure out how you can make your own money. Support him while he figures out his own life. And realize what it is. He never said he was going to marry you and you put up with it. Don’t look for more when that wasn’t the deal – unless you want to change the arrangement.

If you want to get out and see what else is going on. Be truthful. And move on. Living off of your boyfriend while you date another is bad relationship karma. Nothing good will come your way.

Dear GirlShrink,
I am recently engaged and love my fiance, but his mother is ridiculously looney-tunes! She calls me in the middle of the night to talk about nothing. She spends tons of money that she doesn’t have. All with my fiance’s credit. She interferes in every decision that we make after we have made it. She wants to be a part of everything that we do but in a very non-productive way. Like – she isn’t helping. I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about postponing the wedding because of her. But I don’t want to hurt my fiance. Any advice?
Shelia NewKirk

Dear Shelia,
You don’t need to postpone your wedding. Because waiting 6 months to see what can be done about your future mother-in-law is not the solution. What you are going to have to do is decide WITH your fiance just how involved she is going to be in your lives period. Can he make decisions without even mentioning things to her? Can he ignore the calls etc. How will he feel if you choose to ignore her calls and erratic behavior. Because if she is simply an attention seeker – then ignoring her is the best remedy. But if there is something more wrong with her such as depression, manic disorder, or bipolar depression — then your fiance may want to take some course of action.

The bottom line here though is that you two need to tackle this issue together and not be afraid to hurt each others feelings. This is someone you will have to deal with in your lives for quite a long time. So it’s best that you both are on the same page on how you are going to handle it.

I have found that a really good husband will respect your feelings and try to be the “buffer” between you two. It is his responsibility to deal with the “crazy relations” just as it is your responsibility to deal with yours. (Hey, everybody has ‘em!)

Dear GirlShrink,
My husband is horrible with managing our finances. And while I pay all the bills, he likes to have a major say in how we spend our money. Which he doesn’t do smartly. He thinks he is a good business person. But he isn’t. He makes decisions based on living for today and not planning for the future. He thinks we are going to hit some big pay dirt soon which will solve all our problems. What should I do? I married him. I’ve got to make this work.
Michaela
Vancouver, BC

Dear Michaela,
Your husband sounds like so many others – thinking that money is going to solve their financial problems. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Don’t we know a ton of stories about famous millionaires who went broke or were driven to addiction. Now having said that, it sounds like your husband probably came from a background where sound financial principles were not applied. He may not know how to “plan” and perhaps looks at is as a sign of weakness or a sign of being pessimistic. He rather believe that a big windfall will call to solve your economic crisis – than to plan for the chance that it may or may not happen.

I would take this seriously though. As you know, money is the #1 cause of divorce in today’s modern marriage. I would seriously consider talking to a financial planner about putting you both on a budget. Sometimes the visit acts more like a therapy session then you could imagine! An outside person can perhaps shed some light on your financial health that he was unable to hear from you.

Get him to agree to one meeting with a financial planner – and take it from there.