Dear GirlShrink,

We’re both in our mid 30s. I met M a year and a half ago. He was in a 13 years marriage. We were strangely connected the first time we met at a social thing at work then we realised we both painted a similar subject of painting at a point of our lives and it was scarily identical. We lived in different countries and I told him that I would not be involved with a married man so we kept it platonic.

He pursued me for half a year and during those times, I made it as harsh as possible to let him know that it would not be possible for us to pursue a relationship while he was married. He travelled often to my country to see me. I was wary although I was attracted. Finally I stopped all contact for 2 months with him although he text me everyday.

5 months later he called me and told me that he was moving out of his house. Then he told me that they’ve decided to get a divorce, and soon the wife/kids went back to their home country. I was still very wary at this point but decided to talk to him. I questioned and questioned and I felt that he was utterly honest with me.

M got married when he got his wife knocked up at 21. He felt responsible and married her, and had a problematic marriage (according to him, jealousy, fights, trust issues) but they continued the marriage because of the kid, and 6 years later they took another try by having a 2nd child. Relationship between them didn’t improve despite the kids and counselling but turned for worse as he cheated on his wife with a short affair. His wife didn’t know about this. He told me that he was emotionally detached to his wife for more than 10 years and I wasn’t a rebound.

I agreed to try long distance for 6 months and we fell madly in love with each other. Then I found a great job in his country and I moved. We had a lot of debate on whether to live together, and we took the plunge. His divorce got very complicated in the midst of all these, wife sued, didn’t want to settle, dragged on for a full year. He got into an emotional distress and became obsessively paranoid about everything. I had to hide when someone rings the doorbell.

During this period of 6 months living together, I was going through his divorce with him everyday. It was very stressful as I was coping with new country, my stuff was in storage all the while, he would pay for another apartment and made me move at any point he felt that his wife was going to send someone to check on him. I was the ‘hidden’ relationship. I wasn’t happy but he kept me going with his love and assurance and told me to have faith.

I started to get into emotional swings where I doubted him but he always managed to convince me all will be fine after his wife finally let him go. Last two months we had huge fights, I got so frustrated with him that  I wanted to break up and move out, and I broke glasses and pushed him. I’ve never done that to anyone before.

Finally he agreed that I moved out. And 2 weeks later he broke up with me. Then 2 weeks after the break up, he told me the wife finally signed the papers. But he had no intention to get back together.

I am in a place where I felt that we did the right thing breaking up but at the same time I felt that we could’ve worked things out and it is partially my fault. I’m not sure if I’m being objective in this situation because we were both at faults – he shouldn’t jump into relationship with me and convinced me I was the one for him and I shouldn’t have lashed out at him the way I did.

I want to give it a try again so badly because I’ve had many relationships before and I know when I met the right one. Unfortunately I only managed to realise this just before he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He’s called me several times after the break up and wanted to be friends. He told me he still loves me but he realised that he couldn’t give me his 100% and it would be unfair to me. He realised that he shouldn’t have started this while going through a divorce. I let him go, didn’t plead with him, and finally told him not to call me again and let me move on and stop giving me hope. And he said he has hope for us but he respects my decision not to keep in
touch.

I guess I have the answers – move on, don’t wait. If he loves me he will come back. I just don’t know if he feels the same way about me and if he is truly sincere about being hopeful about us and all he needs is some time to sort himself out?

Dear In Over Her Head,
I call you that because you made a lot of big life decisions and got in way over your head with this relationship. Is it not the cardinal rule to not get involved with a married man? The reasons for this are not just moral but also because it is extremely difficult for any human being to be 100% in a relationship with someone while they are still married to someone else.

While he may have married her for the right or wrong reasons years ago. While they may have been young. The bottom line is is that they were married, they made vows, the lived together for years, slept together, created and raised two children. There is an emotional connection you form with someone based upon a shared emotional journey. So to think that they were both do disconnected that this would be smooth sailing is a bit naive on both of your parts.

So now you are in his country. Building a life without him when you probably only searched for a new job there because of him. Chances are you will connect with him again because everything there probably reminds you of him. Yet I still think that everything is still new and raw for him and his ex. Let things settle down. Let him get into a new rhythm as a divorced man.  After a while, date if you want, but stay in separate residences. There is no need to rush things. He does not need to go from one serious relationship into another one.

Does he still love you? I’m sure he still does. But divorce is emotional. Volatile. People outside the couple get involved. No one likes change. So people get anxious and say crazy things. I’m saying that you should allow the dust to settle, and then see where things stand.

Dear GirlShrink,

I am divorced and have been living, for a year and a half, with a man who is still not divorced. He tells me that he will be divorced “soon”. His wife is leaving the state in a couple of weeks for a new job. He appears to think that her leaving should be sufficient. I have yet to see a divorce agreement. He lives in fear of what she will take when they get divorced so he has not pushed it.

Also, he promised his wife that he would make her pregnant, even though she is 50 years old, using a donor egg and his sperm. This promise came very soon after the beginnig of our relationship. Of course, she had a miscarriage. He does nothing but talk about how awesome she is and he never lets me have an opinion about anything, especially not her. He becomes defensive about her and has been keeping things from me on a regular basis.

Anyway, I just broke up with him and unfortunately we work in the same clinic. He just called me to ask me to go get coffee with him this morning. Is he daft?!? He apparently still wants to continue going out with me. I am so heartbroken and angry about everything that has gone on. I need strength to force the end of this nightmare. Any advice on how to make the breakup stick? Incidentally, I have a history of breakups with him that don’t stick. I am certain that he has no real reason to believe me this time.

Dear Friend,

Why are you living with a married man? This man is still very much connected to his wife. In fact, I would venture to say that she asked for the divorce. I also question how much this relationship is based on you being lonely, not wanting to start over with someone new, not wanting to be rejected — rather than on true love. Because this is not a reciprocal relationship, one based on truth and mutual respect. Yes, he likes you a whole lot, but you are like a warm blanket. Comforting and dependable. Like you said, he knows that you are not really going to go anywhere because you have yet to do it. The best thing you could do is to keep you mouth closed until you are certain that you will act on and stick to what you say.

I tell this to women all the time. Try your level best to do what you say you are going to do — and if you are not sure — don’t say anything at all. You render yourself a little less powerful every time you do that.

There is no advice I can give you to make you do what needs to be done. You know what needs to happen. I think you are buying time to see if the wife moves and see if the relationship changes or improves. But she can move and they still be married – since he is scared of the whole financial thing. And she can always have a place in his life that you will never be able to fill if he allows it to be so. Even long distance. You have to think about what you ultimately want for yourself. What you deserve. What would make you happy and follow those instincts.

Dear GirlShrink,
I met a man that is going through a seperation. He has 2 girls (11 & 8 years). He had an affair on her but greatly regrets it. It has been 2 years since they have been apart and I am the first woman he has been with. When we met it moved very quickly and had an incredible time together. He then disappeared as he said it moved so fast that it confused him and that he is feeling lost. 1 month later he called saying that he missed me so much. We spent a day together and even though it was amazing, I could see sadness in his eyes as they are trying to work things out regarding the selling of property, children etc.

I guess my question, being that I have not been through it, is what he is feeling, what is represented by the word “lost”. I have advised him that at this time I will be his friend and help him get through the sadness but I need to understand it. Can you help?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
The man you are dealing with is “lost” because he is losing his family which is a huge change in his life, on top of the fact that he is the one who caused it. Of course there were problems in his marriage already, but it doesn’t negate the fact that his affair caused the end of his marriage. It sounds like he has realized after the fact (as most cheaters do), just how much devastation he has created for himself, his wife, and his children. His life up to this point has been all about his family, regardless of the affair. So he has to now get to know who he is without being “the husband”. Even when a divorce is the best course of action, it is still difficult and confusing and there is a period of mourning – because it is the end of a life together with one particular woman.

Now this man clearly has feelings for you, but he is conflicted about them. I think that sitting back and allowing him to go through his separation on his own as a spectator or if you must as “a friend” is the best thing to do. Do NOT further a romance with this man at this point. He isn’t ready.

Dear GirlShrink,
I’ve been dating this guy for about 10 months. Everything has been going great until Thanksgiving. He went to visit his ex-wife and their daughter and things haven’t been the same since. He doesn’t return phone calls and we haven’t seen each other or gone out in three weeks. When we do happen to get a conversation going he claims that he’s still in love with me-then I don’t hear from him for a few days. Is it safe to say that he is back with his ex-wife, and me and his relationship is through? If so why does he keep leading me on?
A very confused,
Chanda

Dear Chanda,
Hope you had a wonderful holiday season. I’d be curious how Christmas and New Years went, but I would venture to say that he may not necessarily be back with his ex-wife, but did something with her that he feels guilty about when he sees or talks to you.
I’d ask him about the visit to satisfy your curiosity, but chances are he won’t admit the truth. And I think its safe to say — that you may need to move on before you get
any deeper involved.

“Knowing that someone was there to listen and give advice was a great help to me and I Thank You for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
-Chanda