Hey GirlShrink,
After 6 months of moving on with my life, my ex (who dumped me) still continues to bad mouth about me. She made a lot of negative comments to me through the public such as friends and also in blogs where alot of people started telling me all these items. As well, she started dating another person during that period of trash talking me.

My question is why is it that she keeps on talking about me? I haven’t bothered her for over a long period of time. Please help it is getting really irritating!

Hi Irritated,

You haven’t really given me a lot of information to go on, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that you p!##@* her off which is what led her to dumping you OR she feels so guilty for dumping you that she feels the need to talk “trash” about you so that others can support her in her decision to let you go.

In either case, there is not much you can or need to do but let her play out her immature ramblings while you go on with your life. If it gets to a point (online) where she is lying and damaging your reputation then you can try and contact the site owners and asked for the comments to be removed. But that is a long and hard road sometimes. Even folks with money and lawyers have a hard time getting that done.

So my vote is to ignore her. Keep ignoring her. And remember that the more she talks about you – the more you can bank that she is NOT really over you. She’s just fooling herself.

Dear GirlShrink,
Hi, my girlfriend and i have been dating long distance  for about 8 months. there is something that has been bothering me she still talks and is best friends with her ex girlfriend . I believe they talk about two or three times a week. my girlfriend was up front when we first started dating, i was ok with it but now we r in luv so i cant handle it.she talks about her ex all the time and is always calling her for advice. i told her it is wither her or me is that wrong of me?? am i being over jealous?

Dear Jealous One,
I think that only some couples, ones with a long history of trust, or ones with a very honest relationship can be close to ex’s and still maintain a jealous free relationship. It isn’t for everyone. Trust often has to be earned in relationships – it is not always assumed. Plus – one would wonder – what part of that relationship does your girlfriend still need to hold onto? And why? And does she know that it bothers you? And if she does, why does she continue talking about the ex with you?

If you haven’t already, you need to be honest about you feel and see what your girlfriend’s response is. It could be something as simple – as she has no idea that it is affecting you like this.

Dear Girlshrink,

Dear Niki,

There are a couple of things going on here. First, there is always some sort of drama between a couple who have broken up but are still connected through a child. A child gives the primary parent (usually the mother) a lot of emotional control (if she chooses to use it) over the other parent. Unfortunately a lot of men believe the hype and buy into the fact that the mother has “all” of the control and therefore never wants to rock the boat or upset the mother too much for fear of never seeing their child. A lot of men do not want to deal with the courts because if you take it there, most judges will allow them time to see their children but at a cost. Usually a percentage of their income. Something much higher then they would actually pay voluntarily to the mom. Now I’m not saying that is your circumstance, but it could be.

Also there is an idea that the mom just wants to cause trouble because for 3 years she always looked at you as the “best friend” to her fiancee, and now she questions the past. She wonders if you two always had feelings. She wonders if you both acted on these feelings before the break up. She probably is wondering a lot of things and is angry and hurt.

As far helping your boyfriend “see” the manipulation by the ex. I guarantee you that he already sees it. For whatever reason, I think he feels as if there is nothing he can do about it. He may feel guilty or at least conflicted for breaking up with her after having a child with her. He may even have some residual feelings for her and doesn’t want to start an all out war with her. He was engaged to her, so his feelings for her must have been strong at some point.

What I do think is that you have to make decisions for yourself that are honest and real. Knowing what you know about their past, their relationship, their personalities — are your feelings for your boyfriend deep, strong, and serious enough to deal with what may come with this situation?

Will there be more drama? Probably. Will you have an argument or two with the ex in the future – you might. Will you not like how he deals with situations between he and the ex – you probably won’t. You would do things differently. But you were not in a relationship with this woman, he was. You have to account for the fact that he cannot change the past, nor just turn off feelings for the mother of his child. He can move forward with you, but you should go into that knowing that it will mean a future including his child, and with that comes his mother.