Dear GirlShrink,

I have been married to “Sam” for 21 years in July 2010. We have been friends since we started school and throughout high school. We have 1 son, age 11, who has high functioning Aspergers.

The problem is with my marriage, I feel like a prisoner.  Sam expects me to stay at home every free moment except when he has an errand or work to do for him.  The friends I have do not want to spend time with us because I can never go anywhere or they do not wish to be around “Sam” who makes vulgar comments to their wives or girlfriends (even my brothers feel this way).  He says the friends are losers and adulterers (which is not true).  The times I have went out with friends alone; Sam says I am dressing up like a slut for others and that I never dress this way for him.

I have always emotionally supported Sam in everything he has done.  In our first 10 years of marriage I always went along on his chosen activities just so I could spend time with him (hunting, fishing, softball, etc.).  After our son came along I would stay home to take care of him while Sam still went hunting with his father and brothers 6 hours away for 2 1/2 weeks each year plus during his other activity outings.  During family vacations I take care of our son while he fishes from sun-up to past dark each day.  We have had his parents and my mother go on vacation with us and he expects me to cater to them while he spends time with his Dad.  I know his parents are not going to be around forever, but neither am I.

In our everyday life Sam leaves around 8 am then comes home around 8 pm.  Often he leaves an hour or so later to go look out drinking and look for deer that are roaming about in the nearby fields and I am left alone again until close to midnight or later.  When he becomes drunk he breaks things in the house if he is angry with me.  I take care of all the home-details, yard work, house maintenance, etc.  When he is home he leaves messes and his clothes from top to bottom in the house and doesn’t offer to help unless I have a melt-down.  I have expressed these feelings to him and he always says that he will do better, but it hasn’t changed. His solution is to give me some cash and day or two of attention by taking us out to eat at a fast food restaurant or watching a movie at home, which he calls “our family
time”.  I also run a small business with a small income of my own, but not enough to live on and take care of my son.

I am an attractive woman that is in good physical shape and I am told that I am a very giving person.  Being such, Sam has sexual feelings for me, but I do not have the same for him.  I care about Sam and do not want to hurt him, but I feel no physical attraction to him, Sam says he loves and knows me better than anyone ever could.  I had a hysterectomy 1 year ago and all these feelings I am now expressing, Sam believes are from the hormone issues.  He has repeatedly called my family, neighbors and doctor (made appointments for me unbeknownst to me until the day of), and told them of my “issues”. The last time we had sex it felt like I was with a total stranger.  We have not had sex for over a year and are currently not sleeping in the same bed.  When we were sleeping in the same bed he continually pushed himself on me sexually or pushed for me to “help” him relieve himself since I do not want sexual intercourse.  This is and was a huge turnoff for me.  I feel that I am no more than a whore to him since he never repays me with romance or companionship, but expects sex in return for being married to him.

I have one particular male friend that has become very close to me.  This friend does not currently live in the same state as I do, but lives on the West Coast, while I live on the East Coast.  We grew up in the same fairly small town, but did not know each other until about 8 years ago.  I probably could have feelings for this friend given the opportunity, but have not followed through with those thoughts.  I have in the past on occasion talked to this male friend on Facebook.  When Sam found out he went ballistic telling me how everyone on Facebook is an adulterer (as well as my friend) looking to ruin someone else’s marriage, so I discontinued the
communications.  I have a cell phone and email, but he started checking the phone and email history online to see who I had been talking to and became angry over my communications.  My friend has known the situation with Sam for many years.  He has told me he will help me if I decide to leave Sam and would gladly help provide a home for me and my son.

Leaving sounds great, but my problem is I am scared.  Am I being silly to think about giving up the life that I have for another that is so uncertain? Sam does not abuse me physically and provides a nice home and a comfortable life.  I however feel that life is passing me by and that by the times he decides he wants to spend time with me (if ever) I will be too old.  I want to enjoy life, but I don’t in turn want to ruin my son’s (who is my top priority). My son is distraught with the thoughts of divorce already from hearing our arguments.

Thank you in advance for your advice,
Scared in Virginia

Dear Scared In Virginia,

Thank you for what was such a candid letter. There are many things that came to mind when I read your letter. First, and this may be hard to hear, but what I think many people feel to realize as they live their lives is that most of us (you included) make decisions everyday that determine how we will live out the next day and the next. You feel like you are living in a prison because you have helped create that prison. Every time you allow Sam to treat you in a manner that you are not comfortable with is another day that he will continue to exhibit the same behaviors.

Now granted I know that you have expressed your issues with him, but words are often ignored. People are more apt to make decisions based on the “actions” of others. You seem to spend a great deal of time NOT doing the things you want with your life in order to keep Sam calm and keep him happy. This is not the way to live.

You do not want to leave this life with regrets. You only have one time to get it right.

As for your son, I understand this very well b/c I have a child on the autism spectrum. What scares him is first what frightens all children – the fear of his parents separating AND what is worse for him is the possibility of “change”. As you well know, change frightens children on the spectrum more than the average child. BUT having said that – change is inevitable – and sometimes we do our children a disservice by not initiating healthy change.

If after careful consideration, leaving your husband is what would improve the quality of your life and therefore ultimately your child’s life – then that is a type of change that you may want to consider. The fact that you have someone who can help support you with that change is even better. So don’t just stay because you are afraid of the unknown.

Instead take some initiative, and really look into how you could financially and emotionally support yourself if you decide to go. What could you do to increase revenues in your small business? Could you use those same skills for an employer? What towns would you consider living in? If its somewhere near your friend on the West Coast, check into the towns or counties that have the better autism supports.  What I am saying – is that instead of just letting life happen to you – now you can take action and control your future.

Do not do anything you do not want to do. That means sexually, for his parents, for him. Do what you genuinely want to do, not what you think others expect from you. I would love to hear 3-6 months from now that you have taken big leaps to begin really learning who you are and living a more conscious life. I think you will find that it is the best thing for you and your son.

Dear GirlShrink,
Hi. I have been in this relationship for 4 months now and what I found out has really devastated me. The guy will be getting married in one month and all this time he kept lying to me.

I cant seem to get over him no matter how hard i try. He keeps calling and i have told him i need my space but he simply does not want to listen. when I’m alone i cant stop thinking about him and all i do is cry. Please give me tips on how to get over him because it is taking toll on my health.

Dear Friend,
You’ve been duped, and he still has the nerve to try and still talk to you? My advice to you is to first – get mad. That will keep you from talking to him. Then second – be grateful. Be grateful that you missed that bullet.

If you had ended up in a long-term relationship with him, imagine all the lives he would have told you? You are lucky that he showed his true colors although it was very late. Trust me when I say that the real person in trouble is his soon to be wife.

As far as the pain that this has caused in your life. You have lost someone special to you. You must mourn the loss of him like you would any other loss. You will be in pain. You will be in denial. You will be angry. You will have regrets. And then you will move on. It is human nature.

If this break up is truly affecting your health, then I worry that you may have been a emotionally fragile way before this man showed his true colors. Seek the counsel of close friends, family members, or a professional counselor. Stay connected with friends and family, and go out and do things with these people. Even if its just hanging out at their homes.

Do NOT isolate yourself. Do NOT sit in your home and dwell on this man who has hurt so badly. Do NOT call this man or accept his calls. He was the wrong person for you, and you need to be “open” and ready for when the right person comes along. So extricating this man from your life literally and emotionally should be priority #1.

Dear GirlShrink,
My boyfriend makes me feel very ugly about myself. Not all the time, not even most of the time, but there are times when he flirts with other girls or tells me that I need to go to the gym and workout. We laugh and get along most of the time – but when he says these things, they make me feel awful. And I don’t think that’s the way I should feel in a relationship. What do u think?
L.B.

Dear L.B.,

I think that you are a 100% right. That isn’t how you should feel in a relationship. Of course the argument could be made that you only feel what you you allow others to make you feel. That you are truly in charge of how others affect you. But let’s be honest here — that isn’t always the case. Human nature dictates that we often, more than not, allow others to influence how we feel about each other. So having said that, you don’t need that from a man you are dating. People in a relationship should support each other, lift each other up, make each other feel good. Not tear each other down because one or both are insecure. My advice – check him! Don’t let him get away with that behavior any longer. If you don’t tolerate it, it won’t happen again.

Dear GirlShrink,
I am smitten with a boy that lives over 2000 miles away. This boy asked me to be his girlfriend last year. The only problem was that I had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy. While I liked him I had to say no because my heart and mind wouldn’t be in it. Up until a month ago I had shuddered at the mere thought of a relationship. About 2 weeks ago this boy came back to visit for a week and seeing him at the airport made me realize just how much I like him. We have talked about it and know how much we like one another. My problem is what are we to do with him being 2000 miles away, us going to different colleges, and rarely seeing one another. I don’t know where to go with this. What are we to each other and what should we do?

Dear Smitten,
I think that you should look at this as a sign that you maybe “ready” to take a chance on another relationship again. And that’s great! While it may not be this particular relationship due to distance, it’s good to know that you have found someone interesting and perhaps trustworthy enough to try again. I think that getting into a “real” relationship with this guy at this point may not be a good idea because long distance relationships can end very badly, and are very hard to maintain. Both people need to be in a really strong place. I’m not sure if you can say that that is where you are right now. But stay in touch. A long distance flirtation with this guy will do a lot to help you heal and move on.