Dear GirlShrink,
Hello. I have recently started talking to this man I met.  We were talking and I thought things were going great.  However, he is 39 and I am 21.  Also, another catch.  He just recently told me he is getting divorced.  He met me before he was served with divorce papers.  What is a girl to do? I find him very attractive and love talking to him, but I feel like a home-wrecker and feel I shouldn’t be in the middle of his divorce and family.  I strongly believe that women give themselves bad representations in regards to cheating on significant others, however I feel like I have cheated his family since I didn’t know he was married.  Is it my place to just walk away?

Dear Friend,
Walk away. He lied from the beginning and his relationship with his soon to be ex is far from over. Divorce is messy. It is absolutely up to you if you want to take a chance and waste a year of your life waiting on his divorce to be finalized, meeting his family, getting him to commit. At 21, you should be dating different people and figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life — not getting involved in this mess.

Dear GirlShrink,

We’re both in our mid 30s. I met M a year and a half ago. He was in a 13 years marriage. We were strangely connected the first time we met at a social thing at work then we realised we both painted a similar subject of painting at a point of our lives and it was scarily identical. We lived in different countries and I told him that I would not be involved with a married man so we kept it platonic.

He pursued me for half a year and during those times, I made it as harsh as possible to let him know that it would not be possible for us to pursue a relationship while he was married. He travelled often to my country to see me. I was wary although I was attracted. Finally I stopped all contact for 2 months with him although he text me everyday.

5 months later he called me and told me that he was moving out of his house. Then he told me that they’ve decided to get a divorce, and soon the wife/kids went back to their home country. I was still very wary at this point but decided to talk to him. I questioned and questioned and I felt that he was utterly honest with me.

M got married when he got his wife knocked up at 21. He felt responsible and married her, and had a problematic marriage (according to him, jealousy, fights, trust issues) but they continued the marriage because of the kid, and 6 years later they took another try by having a 2nd child. Relationship between them didn’t improve despite the kids and counselling but turned for worse as he cheated on his wife with a short affair. His wife didn’t know about this. He told me that he was emotionally detached to his wife for more than 10 years and I wasn’t a rebound.

I agreed to try long distance for 6 months and we fell madly in love with each other. Then I found a great job in his country and I moved. We had a lot of debate on whether to live together, and we took the plunge. His divorce got very complicated in the midst of all these, wife sued, didn’t want to settle, dragged on for a full year. He got into an emotional distress and became obsessively paranoid about everything. I had to hide when someone rings the doorbell.

During this period of 6 months living together, I was going through his divorce with him everyday. It was very stressful as I was coping with new country, my stuff was in storage all the while, he would pay for another apartment and made me move at any point he felt that his wife was going to send someone to check on him. I was the ‘hidden’ relationship. I wasn’t happy but he kept me going with his love and assurance and told me to have faith.

I started to get into emotional swings where I doubted him but he always managed to convince me all will be fine after his wife finally let him go. Last two months we had huge fights, I got so frustrated with him that  I wanted to break up and move out, and I broke glasses and pushed him. I’ve never done that to anyone before.

Finally he agreed that I moved out. And 2 weeks later he broke up with me. Then 2 weeks after the break up, he told me the wife finally signed the papers. But he had no intention to get back together.

I am in a place where I felt that we did the right thing breaking up but at the same time I felt that we could’ve worked things out and it is partially my fault. I’m not sure if I’m being objective in this situation because we were both at faults – he shouldn’t jump into relationship with me and convinced me I was the one for him and I shouldn’t have lashed out at him the way I did.

I want to give it a try again so badly because I’ve had many relationships before and I know when I met the right one. Unfortunately I only managed to realise this just before he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He’s called me several times after the break up and wanted to be friends. He told me he still loves me but he realised that he couldn’t give me his 100% and it would be unfair to me. He realised that he shouldn’t have started this while going through a divorce. I let him go, didn’t plead with him, and finally told him not to call me again and let me move on and stop giving me hope. And he said he has hope for us but he respects my decision not to keep in
touch.

I guess I have the answers – move on, don’t wait. If he loves me he will come back. I just don’t know if he feels the same way about me and if he is truly sincere about being hopeful about us and all he needs is some time to sort himself out?

Dear In Over Her Head,
I call you that because you made a lot of big life decisions and got in way over your head with this relationship. Is it not the cardinal rule to not get involved with a married man? The reasons for this are not just moral but also because it is extremely difficult for any human being to be 100% in a relationship with someone while they are still married to someone else.

While he may have married her for the right or wrong reasons years ago. While they may have been young. The bottom line is is that they were married, they made vows, the lived together for years, slept together, created and raised two children. There is an emotional connection you form with someone based upon a shared emotional journey. So to think that they were both do disconnected that this would be smooth sailing is a bit naive on both of your parts.

So now you are in his country. Building a life without him when you probably only searched for a new job there because of him. Chances are you will connect with him again because everything there probably reminds you of him. Yet I still think that everything is still new and raw for him and his ex. Let things settle down. Let him get into a new rhythm as a divorced man.  After a while, date if you want, but stay in separate residences. There is no need to rush things. He does not need to go from one serious relationship into another one.

Does he still love you? I’m sure he still does. But divorce is emotional. Volatile. People outside the couple get involved. No one likes change. So people get anxious and say crazy things. I’m saying that you should allow the dust to settle, and then see where things stand.

Dear GirlShrink,

I have been married to “Sam” for 21 years in July 2010. We have been friends since we started school and throughout high school. We have 1 son, age 11, who has high functioning Aspergers.

The problem is with my marriage, I feel like a prisoner.  Sam expects me to stay at home every free moment except when he has an errand or work to do for him.  The friends I have do not want to spend time with us because I can never go anywhere or they do not wish to be around “Sam” who makes vulgar comments to their wives or girlfriends (even my brothers feel this way).  He says the friends are losers and adulterers (which is not true).  The times I have went out with friends alone; Sam says I am dressing up like a slut for others and that I never dress this way for him.

I have always emotionally supported Sam in everything he has done.  In our first 10 years of marriage I always went along on his chosen activities just so I could spend time with him (hunting, fishing, softball, etc.).  After our son came along I would stay home to take care of him while Sam still went hunting with his father and brothers 6 hours away for 2 1/2 weeks each year plus during his other activity outings.  During family vacations I take care of our son while he fishes from sun-up to past dark each day.  We have had his parents and my mother go on vacation with us and he expects me to cater to them while he spends time with his Dad.  I know his parents are not going to be around forever, but neither am I.

In our everyday life Sam leaves around 8 am then comes home around 8 pm.  Often he leaves an hour or so later to go look out drinking and look for deer that are roaming about in the nearby fields and I am left alone again until close to midnight or later.  When he becomes drunk he breaks things in the house if he is angry with me.  I take care of all the home-details, yard work, house maintenance, etc.  When he is home he leaves messes and his clothes from top to bottom in the house and doesn’t offer to help unless I have a melt-down.  I have expressed these feelings to him and he always says that he will do better, but it hasn’t changed. His solution is to give me some cash and day or two of attention by taking us out to eat at a fast food restaurant or watching a movie at home, which he calls “our family
time”.  I also run a small business with a small income of my own, but not enough to live on and take care of my son.

I am an attractive woman that is in good physical shape and I am told that I am a very giving person.  Being such, Sam has sexual feelings for me, but I do not have the same for him.  I care about Sam and do not want to hurt him, but I feel no physical attraction to him, Sam says he loves and knows me better than anyone ever could.  I had a hysterectomy 1 year ago and all these feelings I am now expressing, Sam believes are from the hormone issues.  He has repeatedly called my family, neighbors and doctor (made appointments for me unbeknownst to me until the day of), and told them of my “issues”. The last time we had sex it felt like I was with a total stranger.  We have not had sex for over a year and are currently not sleeping in the same bed.  When we were sleeping in the same bed he continually pushed himself on me sexually or pushed for me to “help” him relieve himself since I do not want sexual intercourse.  This is and was a huge turnoff for me.  I feel that I am no more than a whore to him since he never repays me with romance or companionship, but expects sex in return for being married to him.

I have one particular male friend that has become very close to me.  This friend does not currently live in the same state as I do, but lives on the West Coast, while I live on the East Coast.  We grew up in the same fairly small town, but did not know each other until about 8 years ago.  I probably could have feelings for this friend given the opportunity, but have not followed through with those thoughts.  I have in the past on occasion talked to this male friend on Facebook.  When Sam found out he went ballistic telling me how everyone on Facebook is an adulterer (as well as my friend) looking to ruin someone else’s marriage, so I discontinued the
communications.  I have a cell phone and email, but he started checking the phone and email history online to see who I had been talking to and became angry over my communications.  My friend has known the situation with Sam for many years.  He has told me he will help me if I decide to leave Sam and would gladly help provide a home for me and my son.

Leaving sounds great, but my problem is I am scared.  Am I being silly to think about giving up the life that I have for another that is so uncertain? Sam does not abuse me physically and provides a nice home and a comfortable life.  I however feel that life is passing me by and that by the times he decides he wants to spend time with me (if ever) I will be too old.  I want to enjoy life, but I don’t in turn want to ruin my son’s (who is my top priority). My son is distraught with the thoughts of divorce already from hearing our arguments.

Thank you in advance for your advice,
Scared in Virginia

Dear Scared In Virginia,

Thank you for what was such a candid letter. There are many things that came to mind when I read your letter. First, and this may be hard to hear, but what I think many people feel to realize as they live their lives is that most of us (you included) make decisions everyday that determine how we will live out the next day and the next. You feel like you are living in a prison because you have helped create that prison. Every time you allow Sam to treat you in a manner that you are not comfortable with is another day that he will continue to exhibit the same behaviors.

Now granted I know that you have expressed your issues with him, but words are often ignored. People are more apt to make decisions based on the “actions” of others. You seem to spend a great deal of time NOT doing the things you want with your life in order to keep Sam calm and keep him happy. This is not the way to live.

You do not want to leave this life with regrets. You only have one time to get it right.

As for your son, I understand this very well b/c I have a child on the autism spectrum. What scares him is first what frightens all children – the fear of his parents separating AND what is worse for him is the possibility of “change”. As you well know, change frightens children on the spectrum more than the average child. BUT having said that – change is inevitable – and sometimes we do our children a disservice by not initiating healthy change.

If after careful consideration, leaving your husband is what would improve the quality of your life and therefore ultimately your child’s life – then that is a type of change that you may want to consider. The fact that you have someone who can help support you with that change is even better. So don’t just stay because you are afraid of the unknown.

Instead take some initiative, and really look into how you could financially and emotionally support yourself if you decide to go. What could you do to increase revenues in your small business? Could you use those same skills for an employer? What towns would you consider living in? If its somewhere near your friend on the West Coast, check into the towns or counties that have the better autism supports.  What I am saying – is that instead of just letting life happen to you – now you can take action and control your future.

Do not do anything you do not want to do. That means sexually, for his parents, for him. Do what you genuinely want to do, not what you think others expect from you. I would love to hear 3-6 months from now that you have taken big leaps to begin really learning who you are and living a more conscious life. I think you will find that it is the best thing for you and your son.

Dear GirlShrink,

I am divorced and have been living, for a year and a half, with a man who is still not divorced. He tells me that he will be divorced “soon”. His wife is leaving the state in a couple of weeks for a new job. He appears to think that her leaving should be sufficient. I have yet to see a divorce agreement. He lives in fear of what she will take when they get divorced so he has not pushed it.

Also, he promised his wife that he would make her pregnant, even though she is 50 years old, using a donor egg and his sperm. This promise came very soon after the beginnig of our relationship. Of course, she had a miscarriage. He does nothing but talk about how awesome she is and he never lets me have an opinion about anything, especially not her. He becomes defensive about her and has been keeping things from me on a regular basis.

Anyway, I just broke up with him and unfortunately we work in the same clinic. He just called me to ask me to go get coffee with him this morning. Is he daft?!? He apparently still wants to continue going out with me. I am so heartbroken and angry about everything that has gone on. I need strength to force the end of this nightmare. Any advice on how to make the breakup stick? Incidentally, I have a history of breakups with him that don’t stick. I am certain that he has no real reason to believe me this time.

Dear Friend,

Why are you living with a married man? This man is still very much connected to his wife. In fact, I would venture to say that she asked for the divorce. I also question how much this relationship is based on you being lonely, not wanting to start over with someone new, not wanting to be rejected — rather than on true love. Because this is not a reciprocal relationship, one based on truth and mutual respect. Yes, he likes you a whole lot, but you are like a warm blanket. Comforting and dependable. Like you said, he knows that you are not really going to go anywhere because you have yet to do it. The best thing you could do is to keep you mouth closed until you are certain that you will act on and stick to what you say.

I tell this to women all the time. Try your level best to do what you say you are going to do — and if you are not sure — don’t say anything at all. You render yourself a little less powerful every time you do that.

There is no advice I can give you to make you do what needs to be done. You know what needs to happen. I think you are buying time to see if the wife moves and see if the relationship changes or improves. But she can move and they still be married – since he is scared of the whole financial thing. And she can always have a place in his life that you will never be able to fill if he allows it to be so. Even long distance. You have to think about what you ultimately want for yourself. What you deserve. What would make you happy and follow those instincts.

Dear GirlShrink,
I am in the middle of a divorce, but we have been separated for about 8 months. I have a 1 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. My 5-yr-old has been acting out inappropriately in school (kindergarten) as well as in activity classes such as gymnastics and art. At home she is often unhappy and asks me what was the reason her father left. I have a feeling she is really asking me if she is to blame for her father leaving. And to answer that — he left because he said that he was never in love with me, and needs to find his purpose in life. What should I do?
M. Rinaldi
Canada

Dear Ms. Rinaldi,
Divorce is rarely amicably and the timing is always awful. Those are two things that I hate about divorce. It looks like your daughter is having just an awful time processing what is going on, why it’s going on, and what she can do to express her anger. Because she is angry. And hurt. And confused. Which is all too common with children of divorce.

3. http://www.oprah.com/relationships/slide/200709/rel_20070926_284_101.jhtml
Children of divorce advice on Oprah Show