Dear GirlShrink,
My ex-boyfriend and I recently rekindled our love for each other after three years of being on and almost 8 months of being off. We figured out our
differences and realized that we are the best thing for each other. Here comes the drama, during our “time out” we saw other people…

Unfortunately, the girl that he was seeing is now claiming to be with child… his child, hence the drama. Learning this information, broke me down so bad. I cry and just get upset at the thought of pregnancy now. It just makes me sick. However, he and her were only a month long fling, she will now be a part of our lives forever. I cant seem to get over the fact that there is an outside child in our once perfect world now. I love him dearly and I know that he feels the same about me, but this situation has me in a depressive state. How can I bring myself to a point that I am able to move on and cope with this situation rationally?
-Cant Seem to Deal

Dear Can’t Seem To Deal,
I understand completely how you feel that your “perfect” world has been deconstructed, and on some level you are right. Things will not be the same as they were before. There were actions made by your boyfriend that have consequences. For both of you. And so here it is – that pivotal moment in your relationship where you have to make a decision.

Do you stay with him and move forward knowing that who you were and what you envisioned for your future will be changed in some ways because of his child and his/her mother?

Or do you move on feeling that you cannot buy into this “new world” with him. That you wanted what you two had and not what may come in the future with these new situation.

It’s your choice. Either way you have to live with what you decide and not complain about it. Not worry yourself about it. Because as you know, there is nothing you can do to change what has happened.

Finally I’d like to say that a child and a “baby’s mama” doesn’t always have to mean drama. It doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship – especially if it’s a strong one. You should be able to get through this through patience, supporting him, but also setting your own boundaries about what you will and will not do concerning this “other” relationship he is going to have with his child’s mother.

Believe in your relationship. Believe in what you two have between each other – and you will be fine.

Dear GirlShrink,
Ever since I moved, I haven’t been feeling very happy. I dont even feel like going to school. Then Valentine’s Day came around, and I found myself crying in my room. Than on top of that I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. I have such bad luck. With guys and self-esteem. With everything!

Dear Unhappy,
Having just made a big move myself, I know how that feels. Everything has changed. You don’t have the safety of your old life. Old place where you lived. Stores you shopped at. Perhaps old friends. It sounds like you are very lonely, and perhaps a little clumsy:) Remember that your life will NOT always be in this place and feel this sad. You will get to another place where you feel better, but to help yourself along, you could make sure that you do not isolate yourself. Find a friend, a family member, a club, a hobby, something where you around another person. Stay connected to people — that is what’s most important at this difficult time.

Dear GirlShrink,
My doctor told me I am at high risk for post partum depression if I have a child because I suffer from depression. They say its best if I don’t have any at all.
Thanks & Best Regards
Cassandra

Dear Cassandra,
I would get a second opinion from another physician. Sure – you are at risk of suffering from a little postpartum depression after birth based on your history, but that doesn’t mean that you cannot have children. I suffered from depression as well – and gave birth to three children. I only suffered postpartum depression with one. And I was in a partnership with my physician who quickly helped me develop a treatment plan during that time. Which was especially important because I was breastfeeding. So what do I recommend:

1. Get a second opinion and partner with a OBGYN who is familiar
with depression.

2. Make sure you have a support system in place for after the birth whether that is an additional family who comes to help you out fora month. OR you hire a nurse or nanny for a few months. Someone in addition to your spouse etc. to help with the transition into motherhood which is difficult even without depression:)

3. Have a therapist, counselor, religious leader. etc. in place ideally for the pregnancy and after the birth. Talk therapy will be an important part of the process as well.