I have been in a relationship with my kids father for about six years. We have 4 and 3 year old boys. He has always been a “street” hustler and I have always let him know that I feel he could do more with his life than “street” hustling. Anyways his ways caught up with him a few years back and he was sentenced to one year jail time. I stayed with him and when he came home, he enrolled in college and refrained from his former career. However after 1 year of school and no job he decided to go back to “street” hustling. Since then he has often left the kids and I at home and not came home for several weeks instead of quick stops to put up money or shower. I kicked him out for a small period (3months) and then invited him back at home. However, I am currently going through the same is periods of absence. How do I break this unhealthy relationship off.

I have just recently received my associates and I am currently working on my bachelors. I also obtained a job recently and decided to let him know how I feel and he just contributes my attitude because he thinks that I think I am better than him. Is there any hope for this relationship or should I move on and how?

Sincerely,
Wasting my youth in Dayton, Ohio

Dear Wasting My Youth,

Guess what? You are better than THIS, and you know it. How do you break this unhealthy relationship off? You must break the pattern of “I stayed with him when he came home”, “Then invited him back at home”, etc. Your childrens’ father is who he is right now. There is nothing you can do to change him, make it better, make him “see the light”, help him to “get it”. He just doesn’t right now, if he ever does. You have to make decisions that are good for you, your self-esteem, your future, and especially for your children.

Right now you are telling your children that this is “okay” for him to come in and out of your life and their lives. That this is all they should expect. That this is all they deserve. By accepting the behavior, you are cosigning it. You are saying it’s okay. And it’s not. You sound very unhappy and pretty sure that you are allowing some of your golden years to go by – waiting on a man who has yet to realize and discover his true potential as well.

Relationships work best and are healthy when both people are at least sure of a common goal, common ideals, common values. When things are so completely opposite – these relationships often do not stand the test of time. It sounds as if your value system and his are at polar opposite ends of the spectrum right now and you have to simply make the decision that you and your children are worth more and deserve better.

End it tonight. Make the decision. He will have no choice but to follow your lead.

Dear GirlShrink,
Why can’t I move on? I began an affair in Feb. ’09. We are both married – over 40. Everything we experienced together was, for both of us, like nothing ever before. We both believed beyond a doubt that we were meant to be together, soul mates if you will, and some how we would work out being together. He did everything in his power to see me daily, communicate constantly. We had so much joy, fun and laughter, great conversation, contentment. A situation arose about 9 months later in which I became very vulnerable emotionally, and I reacted to it in such a way that scared him into wondering who I really was. I became, to him, a weak, needy, clingy
person, like his wife; not the strong, stable, independent woman he fell in love with. Without all the details, it went down hill daily from there.

We barely saw each other any more and he would never answer my questions about what was happening to us, he has difficulty discussing feelings. He finally told me in June, via text, that it wasn’t going to work, yet he did not actually say “good bye” or “it’s over”, and no longer answered my messages.

There was no closure – no face to face or verbal ending. I was recently in an area where he was, and I stopped there, texted him that I was there and wanted to see him. He came outside, I saw his face (after not seeing him for 4+ months) and I just broke down. He was very guarded, very cold (which is part of his personality anyway), bitter sounding, yet my heart still swells with love for him. I can’t get over him and I can’t stop thinking about him. I cry frequently, memories flood my mind all the time. I KNOW I am dead to him, that he will never see or speak to me again, yet my heart and mind can’t move on. I can’t understand how someone who truly loves someone could let it go seemingly so easily.

I have done a much as possible to focus my mind elsewhere, yet it always goes back to thoughts of him, of his face, touch, kiss, laughter. I can’t keep on like this, yet I have no idea what to do now. I don’t WANT to be without him in my life, and I have
never loved like this before. What can I do to put this behind me?

Jae/Houston, Texas

Dear Jae,
Thank you for your letter. I’m sure it will speak to a lot of men and women in a situation as this one. I think that in order for you to move on and move forward, you need to start looking at this relationship intellectually and not emotionally. You are deeply emotional about this man, this relationship, and the time you’ve spent together. Now is the time to look at this relationship through the lens of an outsider. Someone not emotionally invested. That’s me:)

First of all, I think you summed everything up for yourself  “I can’t understand how someone who truly loves someone could let it go seemingly so easily”. There you go. How can someone who truly loved you, all of you, end it like that? Well my answer is someone that realized that he wasn’t totally in love with ALL of you. Just parts of you.

It’s easy to fall into a false sense of security, euphoria, and joy with someone who only gets the best of you. The fun you. The excited you. The happy you. The spontaneous you. And vice-versa.

What you two miss out on when you are already attached to someone else is the daily grind of life. The bored you. The depressed you. The angry you. The unsatisfied you. The overwhelmed you. The crazy family stories. The money woes.

He thinks that he learned that you are some weak, needy woman like his wife, but what he really learned is that you are simply human just like his wife and any other woman that he chooses to have a relationship with. Maybe he doesn’t want a human woman, maybe he wants a fantasy. Or perhaps he had an epiphany and realized that he may need to work on things with the human woman he has at home.

Bottom line. You are pining away for a relationship that truly never was. I totally understand why you would miss the freshness, the feelings of being connected, the laughter, and good times – but that is just foreplay. You see what happened when the chips were down. When real life happened. He cut and ran.

This is not a man you should even think about spending a life with. Not to mention that you have a man at home who you aren’t finished with – I’m assuming – ore else where is the mention of divorce.

A real relationship, and man worthy of you, can weather the hills and valleys. The highs and lows. The laughs and sad times. It is slow and steady. It is safe. It is worth fighting for. It is respectful and reverent. That is what you are worth, and that is what you should work for in either your current marriage or your next relationship.

Dear Girlshrink,
I recently ended a 7yr relationship that was on the rocks 90% of the time, but we were in love. It’s been about seven months since the break up. I was totally happy in getting out of the worst case scenario possible, that was until I came face to face with his new found girlfriend. Since then, I can’t sleep, eat or even think straight. I’m deeply hurt because now the feelings have surfaced and all I think about is “what if.” Is there a way to deal with feeling hurt yet betrayed at the same time? Should I start seeing other
people?

Dear Hurt and Betrayed,

I think that most people have a hard time seeing an ex move on. That’s perfectly normal, and you should understand that you need to allow yourself the time to grieve. It’s not necessary or recommended to start seeing other people in order to “get over” someone else. In fact, it can lead you into an even worse relationship than the one that you just got out of. Allow your next relationship to happen naturally and most of all – give yourself some time to end that chapter of your life emotionally. Remind yourself that you got out of your last relationship for the right reasons.

Dear GirlShrink,
I know the answer is simple but Im asking for advice because I can’t get any
closure.

When I first started dating my bf four months ago, it was perfect. I thought he might be the one. He bought me diamonds, treated me well, took care of my needs and made me feel special.

However 3 weeks later and it all changed and now we are 4 months in, he constantly critisizes me, there is no sex, no cuddles or kisses, he is never there for me, always talks about himself, and has NEVER complimented me, puts me down and I dont feel special anymore. He refuses to talk about our relationship and doesnt want to listen to me if I am upset or havy any concerns. He NEVER apologises either.

On the plus side, he constantly rings/texts me, makes sure I’m well fed, he isnt controlling, I know he isnt cheating, hangs out with me alot, talks about us having children. (How bizarre since he hasnt had sex with me for a long time). He holds my hand in public.

We have had many breakups and the last was for 2 weeks before we got back together again. Again there was no cuddling, kissing or sex although he insisted I sit on his lap because he hadnt seen me for a long time. The way he looked at me that day was good too, finally I felt special and wanted by my bf. The next day it was all back to normal again. we saw each other, hung out and thats about it.

Now its only been 4 days since we got back together again and he has decided that we should “just be friends”. I’m pretty gutted.

I cant deal with this anymore. I just want a normal relationship where my bf will respect and want me and not treat me like dirt.

What does he mean with “lets be friends?”

I wont deny, I am hooked on him which is why I find it hard to let go and I take him back easily. I have all these other opportunities and I know some of these men will treat me like royalty but I just cant do it incase I have to compromise my feelings and also it’s hardly fair if Im still thinking about my ex.

I just dont understand why he behaves like this, I am VERY good to him. His own friend has said to him that Im “loyal”, other friends tell him hes lucky to be with me. What more does he want? Especially since he’s looking for a serious relationship.

Dear In The Friend Zone,
It’s funny that you began your letter with “the answer is simple” — because it absolutely is a no brainer.  He wants to be friends means that he is no longer interested in you romantically. He is checked out. Now I understand that you need closure because:

-You want a guy who does not want you.
-You want a guy who does not treat you especially well.
-You want to figure out why he does this.
-You want to know if there is something wrong with you (although on some level you know that it’s not you)
-You want an explanation. One that makes sense. (Like he’s gay. But you’re not going to get one.)
-You want him to come to his sense and come running back to you, with regret, with romance, etc. (Again – not going to happen)

I don’t have to know much about this young man to know that his behavior dictates that he is probably never going to be who you want for yourself. So you have no choice at this point. You must let him go.

And you need to really explore why you want a man who has all the issues that you listed and turn down the guys who would treat you much better. You will need to answer that for yourself before you move into your next relationship.

Dear GirlShrink,
My boyfriend of 2 years and a half once asked me to marry him but I told him that I wasn’t ready yet. After how many months he met someone who is younger than us. And then we had this roller coaster relationship. But at some point we managed to solve it. But now, he’s asking me that we should end our relatonship for at least 1 year since its too hard for him to decide and doesn’t know what to do. And for that 1 year I am free to look for someone. But if in that 1 year we realized that we are for each other then we can go on with our relationship and thats the time for him to decide or even marry me. He also said that we can still text each other by means of communication. What is the best thing that I should do?
-anonymous

Dear Friend,
This is short and bitter but: your boyfriend wants a break to run around for a year and do whatever he wants. Leave him alone. It’s over.

Hello GirlShrink,
I am in need of some serious relationship help. I have always had a good relationship with my parents from what i’ve felt like. At times I have felt
like they’re too much into what i’m doing, but I know they love me and justwant the best for me. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months short of 3 years now. He’s a great guy who cares about me so much, he puts me first &he loves to be around me. There have been a few times when we butt heads or he has done something little to upset me, but he is always sorry and trys very hard to make it up to me.

I’m going off to college in the fall & recently my parents have been giving me talks about how I should break up with him instead of dealing with the relationship in college. I’m only 18 so i’m not sure if I should treat this as true love, but I know what we have has to be somewhat real or else we wouldn’ve lasted this long together. He’s dealt with a lot from my parents over the years as far as them not being very nice about him, but at the same time he isn’t always very talkative around them. I know he cares a lot about me & I feel like we can make it in college if we’d like to. I just don’t know how to deal with the fact of my parents not liking him and trying to make me break up with him.

Hi College Girl,

Here’s my advice in a nutshell. Do NOT break up with anyone because someone else wants you do. If things are going good – don’t mess with it. If you guys grow apart during college, then let that happen on its own and naturally. Like you said, many couples have made it through college. What this really is about is your parents. Why don’t they like this guy? That’s the part you have left out of this letter. In the meantime, I would have to say that you are going to make decisions in your life that your parents will not always agree with. That’s how you grow and become an adult outside of the influence and opinion of the people that raised you:) It’s hard sometimes because we depend on our parents for so many years – but it is part of the maturing process.

Now having said that, your parents do have a range of experiences that you do not have and there may be a valid reason for why they want you two to grow apart. Perhaps they feel he has too much influence. Did your grades falter? Maybe they don’t want you distracted in college. College is tough and there is so much to do and learn and people to meet. Maybe they want you to have the full experience without the distraction of what they feel is only a “High School” romance.

Ultimately you need to make the decision on your own. Ask yourself what do you want to do. And know that this may change by Christmas, by next year, in four years. And that’s okay. You will absolutely grow and change in college. Whether or not your relationship survives and if it should is only up to you and your boyfriend.

Dear GirlShrink,

We’re both in our mid 30s. I met M a year and a half ago. He was in a 13 years marriage. We were strangely connected the first time we met at a social thing at work then we realised we both painted a similar subject of painting at a point of our lives and it was scarily identical. We lived in different countries and I told him that I would not be involved with a married man so we kept it platonic.

He pursued me for half a year and during those times, I made it as harsh as possible to let him know that it would not be possible for us to pursue a relationship while he was married. He travelled often to my country to see me. I was wary although I was attracted. Finally I stopped all contact for 2 months with him although he text me everyday.

5 months later he called me and told me that he was moving out of his house. Then he told me that they’ve decided to get a divorce, and soon the wife/kids went back to their home country. I was still very wary at this point but decided to talk to him. I questioned and questioned and I felt that he was utterly honest with me.

M got married when he got his wife knocked up at 21. He felt responsible and married her, and had a problematic marriage (according to him, jealousy, fights, trust issues) but they continued the marriage because of the kid, and 6 years later they took another try by having a 2nd child. Relationship between them didn’t improve despite the kids and counselling but turned for worse as he cheated on his wife with a short affair. His wife didn’t know about this. He told me that he was emotionally detached to his wife for more than 10 years and I wasn’t a rebound.

I agreed to try long distance for 6 months and we fell madly in love with each other. Then I found a great job in his country and I moved. We had a lot of debate on whether to live together, and we took the plunge. His divorce got very complicated in the midst of all these, wife sued, didn’t want to settle, dragged on for a full year. He got into an emotional distress and became obsessively paranoid about everything. I had to hide when someone rings the doorbell.

During this period of 6 months living together, I was going through his divorce with him everyday. It was very stressful as I was coping with new country, my stuff was in storage all the while, he would pay for another apartment and made me move at any point he felt that his wife was going to send someone to check on him. I was the ‘hidden’ relationship. I wasn’t happy but he kept me going with his love and assurance and told me to have faith.

I started to get into emotional swings where I doubted him but he always managed to convince me all will be fine after his wife finally let him go. Last two months we had huge fights, I got so frustrated with him that  I wanted to break up and move out, and I broke glasses and pushed him. I’ve never done that to anyone before.

Finally he agreed that I moved out. And 2 weeks later he broke up with me. Then 2 weeks after the break up, he told me the wife finally signed the papers. But he had no intention to get back together.

I am in a place where I felt that we did the right thing breaking up but at the same time I felt that we could’ve worked things out and it is partially my fault. I’m not sure if I’m being objective in this situation because we were both at faults – he shouldn’t jump into relationship with me and convinced me I was the one for him and I shouldn’t have lashed out at him the way I did.

I want to give it a try again so badly because I’ve had many relationships before and I know when I met the right one. Unfortunately I only managed to realise this just before he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He’s called me several times after the break up and wanted to be friends. He told me he still loves me but he realised that he couldn’t give me his 100% and it would be unfair to me. He realised that he shouldn’t have started this while going through a divorce. I let him go, didn’t plead with him, and finally told him not to call me again and let me move on and stop giving me hope. And he said he has hope for us but he respects my decision not to keep in
touch.

I guess I have the answers – move on, don’t wait. If he loves me he will come back. I just don’t know if he feels the same way about me and if he is truly sincere about being hopeful about us and all he needs is some time to sort himself out?

Dear In Over Her Head,
I call you that because you made a lot of big life decisions and got in way over your head with this relationship. Is it not the cardinal rule to not get involved with a married man? The reasons for this are not just moral but also because it is extremely difficult for any human being to be 100% in a relationship with someone while they are still married to someone else.

While he may have married her for the right or wrong reasons years ago. While they may have been young. The bottom line is is that they were married, they made vows, the lived together for years, slept together, created and raised two children. There is an emotional connection you form with someone based upon a shared emotional journey. So to think that they were both do disconnected that this would be smooth sailing is a bit naive on both of your parts.

So now you are in his country. Building a life without him when you probably only searched for a new job there because of him. Chances are you will connect with him again because everything there probably reminds you of him. Yet I still think that everything is still new and raw for him and his ex. Let things settle down. Let him get into a new rhythm as a divorced man.  After a while, date if you want, but stay in separate residences. There is no need to rush things. He does not need to go from one serious relationship into another one.

Does he still love you? I’m sure he still does. But divorce is emotional. Volatile. People outside the couple get involved. No one likes change. So people get anxious and say crazy things. I’m saying that you should allow the dust to settle, and then see where things stand.

Dear GirlShrink,

When Will I Be Over Him? Me and my boyfriend broke up over 2 months ago and I still think about him every day. We havent talked since the break up and I just want to stop thinking about him for good. I never look at pictures of him or talk about him with anyone. I went through the whole not eating thing for about a week and I decided thats not the way I want to live my life. So now I eat fine and act like everything is ok around my friends. I can never be alone because then I will just think about him and then force myself to think of something else. The worst is right before bed. I dont go to sleep at night for hours because I am forcing myself just to think of anything but him. I want to get over him and its been 2 months. I dont talk about my problems with anyone and dont plan on doing so because they are my problems to fix, no one elses. I just want to know when i will be able to sleep at night and stop thinking about him everyday.

Courtney.
Trumbull, CT

Dear Courtney,

Your relationship with your ex is not something that you can just “get over” in a couple of weeks. Two months is only 8 weeks. One of the major reasons why people come to talk to me is because they do not allow themselves the time to “grieve” over the end of a relationship. It’s really like a death. So while it may be a little cliche, the stuff you see sometimes in the movies is dead on. Listening to love songs. Watching sad movies. Crying it out. Because when you allow yourself to feel those feelings of sadness, loss, heartache, loneliness, etc., you also give yourself the opportunity to move on from that place.

You will probably not succeed in trying to force yourself not to think about him. That’s why when you’ve stopped all the “busy” work of the day and settle down right before bed – you are relaxed and of course you think of him. That’s natural. What you could do during these times is perhaps write him a letter (that you will never send). Write out what you miss about him. What you’re sad about. What you are angry about. OR you could use this time to get back into some relaxing habits or start one. I like to read a novel at night to “escape” certain woes of the day. That way the last thing on my mind is what happened during a chapter in the book  – not my problems.

Lastly, I’m concerned about your philosophy on self-isolation. Sure – it may be your problem to fix, but most of us do not make it through this world without the emotional support of a friend, family member, religious leader, therapist, someone. They do not necessarily have to fix your problems – but having someone to “vent” to is a great stress reliever. I think part of your problem is that you haven’t been able to talk about what happened and how you feel since it happened with anyone. You are still carrying around all of that baggage.

I applaud you for writing in Courtney, that was a huge step. BUT it would be better if you could talk to someone who you have a personal connection with. Someone who you trust to hear your story and simply listen.

Dear GirlShrink,
I Still Miss My Ex Very Much & Need Advice On how To Either Get Over It , Get Him Back , Or What You Think is Going On And What Might Happen. It Was A 7 Month Long Distance Relationship Between 2 18 Year Olds.I Broke up With Him Almost 2 Months Ago , I didnt mean it i was upset at the time and blocked him always i knew how ,i thought we would get back together like usual. Normally he would end up begging me back within a week but 3 weeks passed and i began to break down so i called him , he seemed like he missed me since then ive ended and initiated contact 3 times with a week between each, he has never missed me enough to contact me…this time, on thursday he told me eh still loved me and had thought about fixing it , everything i wanted to hear , but by that night i could tell he wasnt serious got upset and blocked him again , i know he most likely wont contact like the time before because of this girl , but what can i do i keep seeing videos and pictures of him and i cry each time.

Dear Long Distance Girl,
You will need to get over this relationship and there are a few reasons why. First, you do not handle conflict well. Part of this is that you are 18 years old and need time to mature. Some of it is your personality. And parts of it maybe how you’ve watched other people older than you handle conflict.

This blocking him and waiting for him to beg for you to come back will not work in the real world – in a real relationship. No man is going to put up with that or even want to deal with that. In fact, this guy may have had enough of this too and has emotionally moved on.

Another reason this probably won’t work is that only the strongest of relationships can weather long distance. Your relationship is NOT strong. So you have that working against you.

Another reason why I question the relationship is the fact that you are having so many arguments. What are they about? What makes you so angry that you choose to end contact with him? These are all things you may want to consider as you grow older and move on to other relationships. Who are you? What do you want from a relationship? What should a guy expect from you?

As far as getting over your ex – only time and a conscious decision to move on will help that. If you are crying etc., that is perfectly normal and acceptable. You have to give yourself a little time to grieve the end of the relationship. If you didn’t – I’d be worried:)

Dear GirlShrink,

MY SON FATHER AND I WAS JUST HAVING SEX.WE WERE MORE OFF THEN ON AND DIDNT KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT ONE ANOTHER. THEN I BECAME PREGNANT AND WE HAD TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER. DURING THAT TIME I LEARNED THAT ALTHOUGH HE’S VERY SMART. HE’S NOT THAT SMART WHEN IT COMES TO FEMALES HE ENCOUNTER IN THE STREETS. HE PRETTY MUCH SLEPT WITH WHOMEVER. THAT WAS SOMETHING I DID’T WANT TO DEAL WITH.SO WHEN HE ASKED CAN WE BE MORE I TURNED HIM DOWN ONE BECAUSE I FELT LIKE HIS MOTHER TOLD HIM IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO CONSIDERING I’M CARRYING HIS FIRST SON.SECOND, I FELT LIKE HE WOULDN’T STOP DOING WHAT HE WAS DOING WITH OTHER WOMEN.SINCE THEN HE’S MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE WOULD RATHER US REMAIN FRIENDS BUT WHEN I KEEP IT FRIENDLY HE KEEPS AN ATTITUDE.WHAT I’M ASKING IS, IS HIS ATTITUDE FROM HIM STILL HAVING FEELINGS FOR ME OR IS HE JUST NOT CARING FOR ME ANYMORE.HE DOES EVERYTHING I ASK BUT WITH AN ATTITUDE?

Dear Friend,

This guy wants to be “wanted”. He may want to be chased. He may be looking for the typical response of a woman out there. He may not be used to a woman saying something and actually meaning it and backing it up with actions. Bravo to you! Plus, there is a connection based on the fact that you are the mother of his child. That is a connection that can never be severed although it doesn’t mean that you should be together. It just means that sometimes the other parent will feel a false sense of entitlement when it comes to you. His access to you. Etc. Do what you’ve been doing. Remain friendly, raise your child together, and then I’m sure another man that wants the same things that you want will come into your life eventually.

*Side Note – please do not submit articles in all capitals. Thanks:)