Dear GirlShrink,
I know the answer is simple but Im asking for advice because I can’t get any
closure.

When I first started dating my bf four months ago, it was perfect. I thought he might be the one. He bought me diamonds, treated me well, took care of my needs and made me feel special.

However 3 weeks later and it all changed and now we are 4 months in, he constantly critisizes me, there is no sex, no cuddles or kisses, he is never there for me, always talks about himself, and has NEVER complimented me, puts me down and I dont feel special anymore. He refuses to talk about our relationship and doesnt want to listen to me if I am upset or havy any concerns. He NEVER apologises either.

On the plus side, he constantly rings/texts me, makes sure I’m well fed, he isnt controlling, I know he isnt cheating, hangs out with me alot, talks about us having children. (How bizarre since he hasnt had sex with me for a long time). He holds my hand in public.

We have had many breakups and the last was for 2 weeks before we got back together again. Again there was no cuddling, kissing or sex although he insisted I sit on his lap because he hadnt seen me for a long time. The way he looked at me that day was good too, finally I felt special and wanted by my bf. The next day it was all back to normal again. we saw each other, hung out and thats about it.

Now its only been 4 days since we got back together again and he has decided that we should “just be friends”. I’m pretty gutted.

I cant deal with this anymore. I just want a normal relationship where my bf will respect and want me and not treat me like dirt.

What does he mean with “lets be friends?”

I wont deny, I am hooked on him which is why I find it hard to let go and I take him back easily. I have all these other opportunities and I know some of these men will treat me like royalty but I just cant do it incase I have to compromise my feelings and also it’s hardly fair if Im still thinking about my ex.

I just dont understand why he behaves like this, I am VERY good to him. His own friend has said to him that Im “loyal”, other friends tell him hes lucky to be with me. What more does he want? Especially since he’s looking for a serious relationship.

Dear In The Friend Zone,
It’s funny that you began your letter with “the answer is simple” — because it absolutely is a no brainer.  He wants to be friends means that he is no longer interested in you romantically. He is checked out. Now I understand that you need closure because:

-You want a guy who does not want you.
-You want a guy who does not treat you especially well.
-You want to figure out why he does this.
-You want to know if there is something wrong with you (although on some level you know that it’s not you)
-You want an explanation. One that makes sense. (Like he’s gay. But you’re not going to get one.)
-You want him to come to his sense and come running back to you, with regret, with romance, etc. (Again – not going to happen)

I don’t have to know much about this young man to know that his behavior dictates that he is probably never going to be who you want for yourself. So you have no choice at this point. You must let him go.

And you need to really explore why you want a man who has all the issues that you listed and turn down the guys who would treat you much better. You will need to answer that for yourself before you move into your next relationship.

Dear GirlShrink,
My boyfriend of 2 years and a half once asked me to marry him but I told him that I wasn’t ready yet. After how many months he met someone who is younger than us. And then we had this roller coaster relationship. But at some point we managed to solve it. But now, he’s asking me that we should end our relatonship for at least 1 year since its too hard for him to decide and doesn’t know what to do. And for that 1 year I am free to look for someone. But if in that 1 year we realized that we are for each other then we can go on with our relationship and thats the time for him to decide or even marry me. He also said that we can still text each other by means of communication. What is the best thing that I should do?
-anonymous

Dear Friend,
This is short and bitter but: your boyfriend wants a break to run around for a year and do whatever he wants. Leave him alone. It’s over.

Hello GirlShrink,
I am in need of some serious relationship help. I have always had a good relationship with my parents from what i’ve felt like. At times I have felt
like they’re too much into what i’m doing, but I know they love me and justwant the best for me. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months short of 3 years now. He’s a great guy who cares about me so much, he puts me first &he loves to be around me. There have been a few times when we butt heads or he has done something little to upset me, but he is always sorry and trys very hard to make it up to me.

I’m going off to college in the fall & recently my parents have been giving me talks about how I should break up with him instead of dealing with the relationship in college. I’m only 18 so i’m not sure if I should treat this as true love, but I know what we have has to be somewhat real or else we wouldn’ve lasted this long together. He’s dealt with a lot from my parents over the years as far as them not being very nice about him, but at the same time he isn’t always very talkative around them. I know he cares a lot about me & I feel like we can make it in college if we’d like to. I just don’t know how to deal with the fact of my parents not liking him and trying to make me break up with him.

Hi College Girl,

Here’s my advice in a nutshell. Do NOT break up with anyone because someone else wants you do. If things are going good – don’t mess with it. If you guys grow apart during college, then let that happen on its own and naturally. Like you said, many couples have made it through college. What this really is about is your parents. Why don’t they like this guy? That’s the part you have left out of this letter. In the meantime, I would have to say that you are going to make decisions in your life that your parents will not always agree with. That’s how you grow and become an adult outside of the influence and opinion of the people that raised you:) It’s hard sometimes because we depend on our parents for so many years – but it is part of the maturing process.

Now having said that, your parents do have a range of experiences that you do not have and there may be a valid reason for why they want you two to grow apart. Perhaps they feel he has too much influence. Did your grades falter? Maybe they don’t want you distracted in college. College is tough and there is so much to do and learn and people to meet. Maybe they want you to have the full experience without the distraction of what they feel is only a “High School” romance.

Ultimately you need to make the decision on your own. Ask yourself what do you want to do. And know that this may change by Christmas, by next year, in four years. And that’s okay. You will absolutely grow and change in college. Whether or not your relationship survives and if it should is only up to you and your boyfriend.

Dear GirlShrink,

We’re both in our mid 30s. I met M a year and a half ago. He was in a 13 years marriage. We were strangely connected the first time we met at a social thing at work then we realised we both painted a similar subject of painting at a point of our lives and it was scarily identical. We lived in different countries and I told him that I would not be involved with a married man so we kept it platonic.

He pursued me for half a year and during those times, I made it as harsh as possible to let him know that it would not be possible for us to pursue a relationship while he was married. He travelled often to my country to see me. I was wary although I was attracted. Finally I stopped all contact for 2 months with him although he text me everyday.

5 months later he called me and told me that he was moving out of his house. Then he told me that they’ve decided to get a divorce, and soon the wife/kids went back to their home country. I was still very wary at this point but decided to talk to him. I questioned and questioned and I felt that he was utterly honest with me.

M got married when he got his wife knocked up at 21. He felt responsible and married her, and had a problematic marriage (according to him, jealousy, fights, trust issues) but they continued the marriage because of the kid, and 6 years later they took another try by having a 2nd child. Relationship between them didn’t improve despite the kids and counselling but turned for worse as he cheated on his wife with a short affair. His wife didn’t know about this. He told me that he was emotionally detached to his wife for more than 10 years and I wasn’t a rebound.

I agreed to try long distance for 6 months and we fell madly in love with each other. Then I found a great job in his country and I moved. We had a lot of debate on whether to live together, and we took the plunge. His divorce got very complicated in the midst of all these, wife sued, didn’t want to settle, dragged on for a full year. He got into an emotional distress and became obsessively paranoid about everything. I had to hide when someone rings the doorbell.

During this period of 6 months living together, I was going through his divorce with him everyday. It was very stressful as I was coping with new country, my stuff was in storage all the while, he would pay for another apartment and made me move at any point he felt that his wife was going to send someone to check on him. I was the ‘hidden’ relationship. I wasn’t happy but he kept me going with his love and assurance and told me to have faith.

I started to get into emotional swings where I doubted him but he always managed to convince me all will be fine after his wife finally let him go. Last two months we had huge fights, I got so frustrated with him that  I wanted to break up and move out, and I broke glasses and pushed him. I’ve never done that to anyone before.

Finally he agreed that I moved out. And 2 weeks later he broke up with me. Then 2 weeks after the break up, he told me the wife finally signed the papers. But he had no intention to get back together.

I am in a place where I felt that we did the right thing breaking up but at the same time I felt that we could’ve worked things out and it is partially my fault. I’m not sure if I’m being objective in this situation because we were both at faults – he shouldn’t jump into relationship with me and convinced me I was the one for him and I shouldn’t have lashed out at him the way I did.

I want to give it a try again so badly because I’ve had many relationships before and I know when I met the right one. Unfortunately I only managed to realise this just before he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He’s called me several times after the break up and wanted to be friends. He told me he still loves me but he realised that he couldn’t give me his 100% and it would be unfair to me. He realised that he shouldn’t have started this while going through a divorce. I let him go, didn’t plead with him, and finally told him not to call me again and let me move on and stop giving me hope. And he said he has hope for us but he respects my decision not to keep in
touch.

I guess I have the answers – move on, don’t wait. If he loves me he will come back. I just don’t know if he feels the same way about me and if he is truly sincere about being hopeful about us and all he needs is some time to sort himself out?

Dear In Over Her Head,
I call you that because you made a lot of big life decisions and got in way over your head with this relationship. Is it not the cardinal rule to not get involved with a married man? The reasons for this are not just moral but also because it is extremely difficult for any human being to be 100% in a relationship with someone while they are still married to someone else.

While he may have married her for the right or wrong reasons years ago. While they may have been young. The bottom line is is that they were married, they made vows, the lived together for years, slept together, created and raised two children. There is an emotional connection you form with someone based upon a shared emotional journey. So to think that they were both do disconnected that this would be smooth sailing is a bit naive on both of your parts.

So now you are in his country. Building a life without him when you probably only searched for a new job there because of him. Chances are you will connect with him again because everything there probably reminds you of him. Yet I still think that everything is still new and raw for him and his ex. Let things settle down. Let him get into a new rhythm as a divorced man.  After a while, date if you want, but stay in separate residences. There is no need to rush things. He does not need to go from one serious relationship into another one.

Does he still love you? I’m sure he still does. But divorce is emotional. Volatile. People outside the couple get involved. No one likes change. So people get anxious and say crazy things. I’m saying that you should allow the dust to settle, and then see where things stand.

Dear GirlShrink,

When Will I Be Over Him? Me and my boyfriend broke up over 2 months ago and I still think about him every day. We havent talked since the break up and I just want to stop thinking about him for good. I never look at pictures of him or talk about him with anyone. I went through the whole not eating thing for about a week and I decided thats not the way I want to live my life. So now I eat fine and act like everything is ok around my friends. I can never be alone because then I will just think about him and then force myself to think of something else. The worst is right before bed. I dont go to sleep at night for hours because I am forcing myself just to think of anything but him. I want to get over him and its been 2 months. I dont talk about my problems with anyone and dont plan on doing so because they are my problems to fix, no one elses. I just want to know when i will be able to sleep at night and stop thinking about him everyday.

Courtney.
Trumbull, CT

Dear Courtney,

Your relationship with your ex is not something that you can just “get over” in a couple of weeks. Two months is only 8 weeks. One of the major reasons why people come to talk to me is because they do not allow themselves the time to “grieve” over the end of a relationship. It’s really like a death. So while it may be a little cliche, the stuff you see sometimes in the movies is dead on. Listening to love songs. Watching sad movies. Crying it out. Because when you allow yourself to feel those feelings of sadness, loss, heartache, loneliness, etc., you also give yourself the opportunity to move on from that place.

You will probably not succeed in trying to force yourself not to think about him. That’s why when you’ve stopped all the “busy” work of the day and settle down right before bed – you are relaxed and of course you think of him. That’s natural. What you could do during these times is perhaps write him a letter (that you will never send). Write out what you miss about him. What you’re sad about. What you are angry about. OR you could use this time to get back into some relaxing habits or start one. I like to read a novel at night to “escape” certain woes of the day. That way the last thing on my mind is what happened during a chapter in the book  – not my problems.

Lastly, I’m concerned about your philosophy on self-isolation. Sure – it may be your problem to fix, but most of us do not make it through this world without the emotional support of a friend, family member, religious leader, therapist, someone. They do not necessarily have to fix your problems – but having someone to “vent” to is a great stress reliever. I think part of your problem is that you haven’t been able to talk about what happened and how you feel since it happened with anyone. You are still carrying around all of that baggage.

I applaud you for writing in Courtney, that was a huge step. BUT it would be better if you could talk to someone who you have a personal connection with. Someone who you trust to hear your story and simply listen.

Dear GirlShrink,
I Still Miss My Ex Very Much & Need Advice On how To Either Get Over It , Get Him Back , Or What You Think is Going On And What Might Happen. It Was A 7 Month Long Distance Relationship Between 2 18 Year Olds.I Broke up With Him Almost 2 Months Ago , I didnt mean it i was upset at the time and blocked him always i knew how ,i thought we would get back together like usual. Normally he would end up begging me back within a week but 3 weeks passed and i began to break down so i called him , he seemed like he missed me since then ive ended and initiated contact 3 times with a week between each, he has never missed me enough to contact me…this time, on thursday he told me eh still loved me and had thought about fixing it , everything i wanted to hear , but by that night i could tell he wasnt serious got upset and blocked him again , i know he most likely wont contact like the time before because of this girl , but what can i do i keep seeing videos and pictures of him and i cry each time.

Dear Long Distance Girl,
You will need to get over this relationship and there are a few reasons why. First, you do not handle conflict well. Part of this is that you are 18 years old and need time to mature. Some of it is your personality. And parts of it maybe how you’ve watched other people older than you handle conflict.

This blocking him and waiting for him to beg for you to come back will not work in the real world – in a real relationship. No man is going to put up with that or even want to deal with that. In fact, this guy may have had enough of this too and has emotionally moved on.

Another reason this probably won’t work is that only the strongest of relationships can weather long distance. Your relationship is NOT strong. So you have that working against you.

Another reason why I question the relationship is the fact that you are having so many arguments. What are they about? What makes you so angry that you choose to end contact with him? These are all things you may want to consider as you grow older and move on to other relationships. Who are you? What do you want from a relationship? What should a guy expect from you?

As far as getting over your ex – only time and a conscious decision to move on will help that. If you are crying etc., that is perfectly normal and acceptable. You have to give yourself a little time to grieve the end of the relationship. If you didn’t – I’d be worried:)

Dear GirlShrink,

MY SON FATHER AND I WAS JUST HAVING SEX.WE WERE MORE OFF THEN ON AND DIDNT KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT ONE ANOTHER. THEN I BECAME PREGNANT AND WE HAD TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER. DURING THAT TIME I LEARNED THAT ALTHOUGH HE’S VERY SMART. HE’S NOT THAT SMART WHEN IT COMES TO FEMALES HE ENCOUNTER IN THE STREETS. HE PRETTY MUCH SLEPT WITH WHOMEVER. THAT WAS SOMETHING I DID’T WANT TO DEAL WITH.SO WHEN HE ASKED CAN WE BE MORE I TURNED HIM DOWN ONE BECAUSE I FELT LIKE HIS MOTHER TOLD HIM IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO CONSIDERING I’M CARRYING HIS FIRST SON.SECOND, I FELT LIKE HE WOULDN’T STOP DOING WHAT HE WAS DOING WITH OTHER WOMEN.SINCE THEN HE’S MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE WOULD RATHER US REMAIN FRIENDS BUT WHEN I KEEP IT FRIENDLY HE KEEPS AN ATTITUDE.WHAT I’M ASKING IS, IS HIS ATTITUDE FROM HIM STILL HAVING FEELINGS FOR ME OR IS HE JUST NOT CARING FOR ME ANYMORE.HE DOES EVERYTHING I ASK BUT WITH AN ATTITUDE?

Dear Friend,

This guy wants to be “wanted”. He may want to be chased. He may be looking for the typical response of a woman out there. He may not be used to a woman saying something and actually meaning it and backing it up with actions. Bravo to you! Plus, there is a connection based on the fact that you are the mother of his child. That is a connection that can never be severed although it doesn’t mean that you should be together. It just means that sometimes the other parent will feel a false sense of entitlement when it comes to you. His access to you. Etc. Do what you’ve been doing. Remain friendly, raise your child together, and then I’m sure another man that wants the same things that you want will come into your life eventually.

*Side Note – please do not submit articles in all capitals. Thanks:)

Hey GirlShrink,
After 6 months of moving on with my life, my ex (who dumped me) still continues to bad mouth about me. She made a lot of negative comments to me through the public such as friends and also in blogs where alot of people started telling me all these items. As well, she started dating another person during that period of trash talking me.

My question is why is it that she keeps on talking about me? I haven’t bothered her for over a long period of time. Please help it is getting really irritating!

Hi Irritated,

You haven’t really given me a lot of information to go on, but I’ll go out on a limb and say that you p!##@* her off which is what led her to dumping you OR she feels so guilty for dumping you that she feels the need to talk “trash” about you so that others can support her in her decision to let you go.

In either case, there is not much you can or need to do but let her play out her immature ramblings while you go on with your life. If it gets to a point (online) where she is lying and damaging your reputation then you can try and contact the site owners and asked for the comments to be removed. But that is a long and hard road sometimes. Even folks with money and lawyers have a hard time getting that done.

So my vote is to ignore her. Keep ignoring her. And remember that the more she talks about you – the more you can bank that she is NOT really over you. She’s just fooling herself.

Dear GirlShrink,

I have been married to “Sam” for 21 years in July 2010. We have been friends since we started school and throughout high school. We have 1 son, age 11, who has high functioning Aspergers.

The problem is with my marriage, I feel like a prisoner.  Sam expects me to stay at home every free moment except when he has an errand or work to do for him.  The friends I have do not want to spend time with us because I can never go anywhere or they do not wish to be around “Sam” who makes vulgar comments to their wives or girlfriends (even my brothers feel this way).  He says the friends are losers and adulterers (which is not true).  The times I have went out with friends alone; Sam says I am dressing up like a slut for others and that I never dress this way for him.

I have always emotionally supported Sam in everything he has done.  In our first 10 years of marriage I always went along on his chosen activities just so I could spend time with him (hunting, fishing, softball, etc.).  After our son came along I would stay home to take care of him while Sam still went hunting with his father and brothers 6 hours away for 2 1/2 weeks each year plus during his other activity outings.  During family vacations I take care of our son while he fishes from sun-up to past dark each day.  We have had his parents and my mother go on vacation with us and he expects me to cater to them while he spends time with his Dad.  I know his parents are not going to be around forever, but neither am I.

In our everyday life Sam leaves around 8 am then comes home around 8 pm.  Often he leaves an hour or so later to go look out drinking and look for deer that are roaming about in the nearby fields and I am left alone again until close to midnight or later.  When he becomes drunk he breaks things in the house if he is angry with me.  I take care of all the home-details, yard work, house maintenance, etc.  When he is home he leaves messes and his clothes from top to bottom in the house and doesn’t offer to help unless I have a melt-down.  I have expressed these feelings to him and he always says that he will do better, but it hasn’t changed. His solution is to give me some cash and day or two of attention by taking us out to eat at a fast food restaurant or watching a movie at home, which he calls “our family
time”.  I also run a small business with a small income of my own, but not enough to live on and take care of my son.

I am an attractive woman that is in good physical shape and I am told that I am a very giving person.  Being such, Sam has sexual feelings for me, but I do not have the same for him.  I care about Sam and do not want to hurt him, but I feel no physical attraction to him, Sam says he loves and knows me better than anyone ever could.  I had a hysterectomy 1 year ago and all these feelings I am now expressing, Sam believes are from the hormone issues.  He has repeatedly called my family, neighbors and doctor (made appointments for me unbeknownst to me until the day of), and told them of my “issues”. The last time we had sex it felt like I was with a total stranger.  We have not had sex for over a year and are currently not sleeping in the same bed.  When we were sleeping in the same bed he continually pushed himself on me sexually or pushed for me to “help” him relieve himself since I do not want sexual intercourse.  This is and was a huge turnoff for me.  I feel that I am no more than a whore to him since he never repays me with romance or companionship, but expects sex in return for being married to him.

I have one particular male friend that has become very close to me.  This friend does not currently live in the same state as I do, but lives on the West Coast, while I live on the East Coast.  We grew up in the same fairly small town, but did not know each other until about 8 years ago.  I probably could have feelings for this friend given the opportunity, but have not followed through with those thoughts.  I have in the past on occasion talked to this male friend on Facebook.  When Sam found out he went ballistic telling me how everyone on Facebook is an adulterer (as well as my friend) looking to ruin someone else’s marriage, so I discontinued the
communications.  I have a cell phone and email, but he started checking the phone and email history online to see who I had been talking to and became angry over my communications.  My friend has known the situation with Sam for many years.  He has told me he will help me if I decide to leave Sam and would gladly help provide a home for me and my son.

Leaving sounds great, but my problem is I am scared.  Am I being silly to think about giving up the life that I have for another that is so uncertain? Sam does not abuse me physically and provides a nice home and a comfortable life.  I however feel that life is passing me by and that by the times he decides he wants to spend time with me (if ever) I will be too old.  I want to enjoy life, but I don’t in turn want to ruin my son’s (who is my top priority). My son is distraught with the thoughts of divorce already from hearing our arguments.

Thank you in advance for your advice,
Scared in Virginia

Dear Scared In Virginia,

Thank you for what was such a candid letter. There are many things that came to mind when I read your letter. First, and this may be hard to hear, but what I think many people feel to realize as they live their lives is that most of us (you included) make decisions everyday that determine how we will live out the next day and the next. You feel like you are living in a prison because you have helped create that prison. Every time you allow Sam to treat you in a manner that you are not comfortable with is another day that he will continue to exhibit the same behaviors.

Now granted I know that you have expressed your issues with him, but words are often ignored. People are more apt to make decisions based on the “actions” of others. You seem to spend a great deal of time NOT doing the things you want with your life in order to keep Sam calm and keep him happy. This is not the way to live.

You do not want to leave this life with regrets. You only have one time to get it right.

As for your son, I understand this very well b/c I have a child on the autism spectrum. What scares him is first what frightens all children – the fear of his parents separating AND what is worse for him is the possibility of “change”. As you well know, change frightens children on the spectrum more than the average child. BUT having said that – change is inevitable – and sometimes we do our children a disservice by not initiating healthy change.

If after careful consideration, leaving your husband is what would improve the quality of your life and therefore ultimately your child’s life – then that is a type of change that you may want to consider. The fact that you have someone who can help support you with that change is even better. So don’t just stay because you are afraid of the unknown.

Instead take some initiative, and really look into how you could financially and emotionally support yourself if you decide to go. What could you do to increase revenues in your small business? Could you use those same skills for an employer? What towns would you consider living in? If its somewhere near your friend on the West Coast, check into the towns or counties that have the better autism supports.  What I am saying – is that instead of just letting life happen to you – now you can take action and control your future.

Do not do anything you do not want to do. That means sexually, for his parents, for him. Do what you genuinely want to do, not what you think others expect from you. I would love to hear 3-6 months from now that you have taken big leaps to begin really learning who you are and living a more conscious life. I think you will find that it is the best thing for you and your son.

Dear GirlShrink,
I’ve been seeing my girlfriend a while now, and things are going well. However, in a few months we are both scheduled to move to opposite sides of the country. We both have very strong feelings for each other, and we’re both afraid that if we continue to see each other, it will make moving away much more painful. The dilemma is should we continue to see each other so that we can be happy now and potentially less happy later, or should we bite the bullet now and break it off, hopefully making moving away easier?

Dear Moving Soon,
It’s kind of hard to break things off now because of how things may potentially turn for the worse. Especially if you are happy now. Of course I see your point. What’s the reality of this relationship lasting a big move like this? Statistically – not good. For some reason, I think it actually works when the couple lets things die out naturally. If your force the end now,  you both may be left with a lack of closure that can really drive you crazy. So yes – wait and potentially be less happy later. That’s my advice.