Porn is just porn?

Dear GirlShrink,

I have a situation where i share a computer with a significant other of 4 years, and recently i found some downloaded sites of forced sex, reenacted sex rape scenes, and this was very bothersome to me. I have tried to keep it to myself, and did for awhile, but then like always i finally confronted him. he said it was just a fluke that he downloaded them, unaware that he had, and why yes he did go tot he sites and look at them, it was out of curiosity. Ok so i let it go, with still just a pang in mind and heart.

The next thing you know, after several days, and i had already deleted the sites, low and behold, they pop up on me, when i am looking at something totally different, i mean took over my whole screen, i was so angry!

i deleted them, put them in trash bin and hit the permanent trashe remove or whatever you call it, from the computer. He is now angry at me, because i told him what had happened, said i invaded his privacy! and that i should not have permanently removed something that belong to him. Which if it was no big deal, i thought it was alright since it was nothing to him in the first place. Do you get the picture GirlShrink?

So what now, he has completely made me out to be the bad guy and acts as though i am the one with insecurities now, and a website invader! lol.
So we are not speaking. And may I add, i was completely in shock to see that he of all people was looking at such a site, since he knows i have been a victim of abuse and rape. It was like finding his dark side! What should i do or even say from this point on?

Dear Friend,

Your story throws up a million red flags for me. I don’t usually give such direct advice, but I must say in this instance to get out. Sometimes people who are victims of such violent crime as rape tend to attract people that do or have thoughts of doing the very same thing. Haven’t you ever wondered why so many women end up with multiple partners who abuse them? This should not be just bothersome to you — but a BIG red flag telling you that this is not the man for you.

I’m not saying that rape is not a fantasy of many people, it is, but the fact that it is a major fantasy for man you are seeing and you have been a victim of that crime before lets me know that it is not a healthy situation for neither you or him.

There’s also the fact that he lied. Plain out lied. And then of course deflects the fact that he’s been caught in the lie onto you. That’s childish and irresponsible.  I mean really. Didn’t he think you were going to run across that stuff at some point? Final advice – I’d get out.