My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 1/2 years. He has been married and divorced. We have had a great relationship, but of course it has had its ups and downs. Last evening we got into an argument about the fact that he still talks to his ex wife quite regularly (typically on a weekly basis). He tells me I have nothing to worry about…and that she just calls him to tell him whats going on in her life. It bothers me that he still keeps in contact with her so much. We have discussed it in the past. Every time he basically just tells me that “I need to get over it because they had been in a 10 year relationship and he cant just cut off all ties.” I don’t know how to handle it…because it creates SO many emotions inside me. I am hurt, confused and upset by the fact that he thinks I’m acting so insecure about the whole issue. Am I wrong in getting upset about how much they talk? If so, how can I get over it?
Thank You,
Confused and Hurt,
Phoenix, AZ
Dear Confused & Hurt,
This is a very legitimate concern of yours and not because you are insecure, but because it is a little unrealistic for a woman to think that an ex-wife cannot be a threat. She can– but only if your boyfriend allows her to be so. I think the bigger question though is whether or not you believe that your boyfriend is over his wife; and that answer can be complicated based on how the marriage ended. They clearly had a deep friendship and on some level she may still depend on him emotionally so it didn’t end badly — which may mean that one of them may have some unresolved feelings for the other.
Of course this could all be that they are better friends than marriage partners, and since they were married, he is one of her closest friends. She relies on him much like you would rely on one of your girlfriends. So essentially there is not problem there unless you want to be the center of his universe — which of course we both know is not realistic.
I think that the bottom line in your situation is that your boyfriend like most men is turned off by insecurity, and you giving him ultimatums will ultimately sabotage what seems to be a great relationship between you two. So give this thing some time to play out. Allow him to have his friendship with his ex, but of course with boundaries. I would also try to meet the ex-wife or at least have a general or generic conversation with her to start building your own rapport with her. If she is going to be in his life, just like any other friend, I would want to get to know her and she to know you. This may help you by gaining more information about who she is and her intentions, while creating a relationship between the two of you that would make it more difficult for her to violate with your boyfriend.
Finally, if what is going on between the two of them starts to look and feel like a “relationship” rather than a “friendship” then it’s time to put your foot down whether your boyfriend wants to hear it or not. I just don’t think that it is at that point at this time.
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