Dear GirlShrink,
My husband has had herpes for a few years now. He got it in his previous relationship and when he told me, I was so in love with him that I didn’t care. I told him that it was fine. Now that I’m married to him — and time has passed, I don’t want to perform oral sex. I don’t want to do anything—risky. He thinks I’m just getting boring, but I think I resent the fact that he has this disease. I feel dirty. I don’t want to get it. What should I say to him?
Dalia
Connecticut
Dear Dalia,
I’m sure you have already thought it, but I need to say it, you never really dealt with your husband’s situation. And now you are actually processing it – a few years too late! The truth is that 1 out of 4 women has herpes and 1 out of 5 Americans has herpes. Your husband is not alone out there. Truth is – even if you hadn’t stuck it out with him and met someone else, he may have had it too. It’s much more common then you think because 80% of infected people don’t even know they have it.Try to think of your husband having chicken pox (which is what herpes is) in his genital area on occasion. He is not dirty. He just became a statistic. And he is still the man you fell in love with. Beyond the std, he is still who were madly in love with and you need to remember that.
Another thing you should consider is talking with your husband about this. Also, it probably would make some sense to talk to your gynecologist about this as well. Get some suggestions about how you can still enjoy sex safely with your husband. The talk may also give you a bit more peace of mind about it as well.
Sure you may be slow on processing this…but it’s not the end of the world. Remember who you are married to. Remember why you fell in love. And keep communicating. You will find your way through this.
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