My Boyfriend & Teenage Son Don’t Get Along – Help!

Dear GirlShrink,

Dear Mom,

Most teenage boys are possessive and territorial about their mothers, so this is completely normal behavior – it’s just a little inconvenient for maintaining the peace in your new relationship. I know this is going to sound a little strange, but creating a good relationship between your son and your new boyfriend is much like when a person has to introduce a new dog into a home where a dog already lives.

The reason why this introduction has to be done in a specific way is because if it’s not done right, the dog who lived in the home first becomes extremely territorial and is never nice to the new dog. That’s why dog owners are taught to slowly introduce the two dogs out of the home.

Case in point – the air conditioner. Your son feels like he has more of a “right” to turn on the air conditioner then your boyfriend. But your boyfriend needs to make a territorial stand as well – and say “this is my home too and I don’t want it on”. Then just like two dogs — they start snarling and barking — testing each other.

How were the two introduced? Was it a slow process. Did he gradually get to know your boyfriend or was it a pretty fast progression from meeting to moving in? Does your son have a relationship with his father? Is he hoping that the two of you reconcile? Secretly – every child does (no matter what they say). Did you consult with your son about the boyfriend moving in, or was the decision made without even his opinion. Did you know that your son didn’t like your boyfriend prior to him moving in?

These are questions to consider to understand if they had a good introduction. Now as far as what to do at this point — it is ultimately a decision you need to make — but if it were me I would choose my child first and my love life second. The fact that he is walking around his own home not talking to a person living in it for over a month is stressful for a child. And let’s remember that he is still a child. It has to be affecting school, his relationships, etc. He could become depressed, aggressive, or disrespectful because of this.

I think that you and your boyfriend can have a good and solid relationship with him living in his home and you in yours until your son matures more, finishes school, and possibly leaves the home.

If that doesn’t sound doable to you – then I think you’ve answered your own question. Your only option at that point would be to try and convince both of them that a few visits to family therapy would be of great benefit to everyone involved and would help you guys at least set some ground rules of what is and what is not acceptable/permitted living in the home together. If your boyfriend loves you, he will at least try to create peace in the home for you benefit. Your son may be a little tougher to convince, but at the end of the day he’s a minor and if you say that you all are going to go to therapy, then he’ll have to go.

Much Success!

Tagged as: blended famlies, children, dating