Dear GirlShrink,
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. The relationship has gotten pretty serious and I’ve definitely fallen hard for him. Things are very good between us, generally we agree and have a lot of fun together, we have open communication and a great sex life.
I am a really romantic person and I love to do nice things for the people that I care about. Neither of us chooses to celebrate holidays, but I leave love notes at his computer or on his mirror, and I’ve bought him gifts and cards randomly. On Valentine’s Day, he said, I’d rather show you I love you
every day than just one day of the year. However, in the year we’ve been dating, he’s never returned the romance. He’s never gotten me a card or a gift or shown his affection in any tangible way.
Now, he has asked me to move in with him and as much I as truly want to be together, I feel like if I do, I’m NEVER going to get the romance I want. I have no desire to talk to him about the subject because I don’t want to seem needy or greedy.
Should I just forget the romance and appreciate all of the good things about our relationship?
Austin, TX
Dear Austin Gal,
The whole “I’d rather show you everyday than just one day of the year” is an EXCUSE. Trust me – many of us have been there. It doesn’t make him a bad person though. So I think like you said – you have a decision to make. If he is not romantic in the way that you feel is “romantic”, he probably will never be. People can change but there has to be a really good reason for change. So I wouldn’t count on that.What you need to ask yourself is do you need those gestures in order to feel loved, validated, etc.? If you never get that, will you be satisfied and happy in your relationship. Or will you always be seeking some sign of change in him? I’m sure you don’t know those answers, but women that have been in your shoes can tell you that most of us have stayed and waited or hoped for change. It didn’t happen. So we either learned to live with, changed our expectations as we matured, or stayed in a very unsatisfying relationship.
If you have respect, mutual love, good sex, and a great time with this guy — I think you need to let go of the whole romantic gesture thing. You’ve got a great guy and they don’t come around everyday. Just ask all the single women out there. But that’s just my opinion.
Do any readers have any other opinions?
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Well it’s all up to you Lisa, just like what ‘Girlshrink’ says…you have to ask yourself what you want. I think you deserve to be happy.We all have our unique love language – yours seems to be ‘Appreciation’ . You like being pampered and romanced.It’s understandable, if you know you can’t live with these for the rest of your life(if your current relationship leads to marriage), think twice. Personally, i like romantic & thoughtful people. I can’t date a gurl who can’t gimme these (not a perfect gurl) and i’m not ready to lower my standards to remain miserable for the rest of my life.
All the best!
My ex of almost 10 years was the exact same way; he never acknowledged my birthday, x-mas, valentine’s day, mother’s day, nothing! he didn’t even do “just because”; what started to bother me was that I was the more romantic of the two of us, and it made me feel good to put a smile on his face or to suprise him every once in while; I just loved him that much; and I could tell that it meant something to him because he would always be very appreciative and let me know that no one else has ever cared that much for him to do the things I did for him; to this day he still has a UNC Tarhell tee shirt I bought him in 2005 and it is one his favorite shirts! there were other issues that led to us separating, but this didn’t make it any easier; I started to feel unappreciated and like I was not worthy of his affection, which led to resentment; I know that sometime my beliefs are a little idealistic, but I strongly believe that when you meet the right person, they will bring out feelings that you think didn’t exist and you sometimes you “act a little out of character”, but in a good way; I felt that since I never made him “act out of character” by being romantic, that it was another reason why we didn’t need to be together; once we broke up and I started seeing other people, it wasn’t unusual for me to receive flowers, gifts, or taken out just because from guys I had no interest in having a serious relationship with; I am the type of girl not lead men on, or accept gestures just because I can get it; what was most fustrating to me was that the one person in the whole wide world that I wanted to suprise me with lilies or my favorite Bath and Body Works lotion, didn’t have a clue, or ambition to do it on his on;
I once felt like you–our sex life was AWESOME, we had fun, and we were best friends; but, like I said we were together for 10 years and he never changed; I believe it definitely matters; after we broke up, I reflected on my life and my past relationships; the men I dropped to be with my ex were very romantic and never once forgot my birthday! the one man I should have probably married was very romantic and would receive gold stars in other areas as well when compared to my ex LOL! Everyone deserves to feel appreciated, adored, and just plain special! sometimes, saying “I love you” isn’t enough; I know everyone can relate to this– have a five year old daughter and I remember how special I felt the 1st time she brought me home something she made in daycare! Tangible romance can be very creative and if your mate is not willing to at least make you card or buy your favorite Godiva chocolate, you may want to think long and hard about your future with him; everyday I go in my kitchen to make breakfast and dinner and I have the pleasure of seeing the art project my daughter brought home to me over four years ago; I know she loves me, I get to use another one of my five senses and SEE that she loves me;
We are all human and love should evoke all five senses;
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