Dear GirlShrink,
I met a man that is going through a seperation. He has 2 girls (11 & 8 years). He had an affair on her but greatly regrets it. It has been 2 years since they have been apart and I am the first woman he has been with. When we met it moved very quickly and had an incredible time together. He then disappeared as he said it moved so fast that it confused him and that he is feeling lost. 1 month later he called saying that he missed me so much. We spent a day together and even though it was amazing, I could see sadness in his eyes as they are trying to work things out regarding the selling of property, children etc.
I guess my question, being that I have not been through it, is what he is feeling, what is represented by the word “lost”. I have advised him that at this time I will be his friend and help him get through the sadness but I need to understand it. Can you help?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The man you are dealing with is “lost” because he is losing his family which is a huge change in his life, on top of the fact that he is the one who caused it. Of course there were problems in his marriage already, but it doesn’t negate the fact that his affair caused the end of his marriage. It sounds like he has realized after the fact (as most cheaters do), just how much devastation he has created for himself, his wife, and his children. His life up to this point has been all about his family, regardless of the affair. So he has to now get to know who he is without being “the husband”. Even when a divorce is the best course of action, it is still difficult and confusing and there is a period of mourning – because it is the end of a life together with one particular woman.Now this man clearly has feelings for you, but he is conflicted about them. I think that sitting back and allowing him to go through his separation on his own as a spectator or if you must as “a friend” is the best thing to do. Do NOT further a romance with this man at this point. He isn’t ready.
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