Dear GirlShrink,
About 4 years ago, a relationship I was in turned abusive (emotionally AND physically). Stupidly, I stuck around for several months before it finally ended—in a particularly frightening and life-altering way, involving law enforcement. I have since dealt with it all rather well; I did do some therapy, and overall I find myself not thinking about it very often anymore.
After the experiences I had with the two boyfriends since, whom I told about the abuse – one acted completely unfazed but then never wanted to discuss it again, the other used it months later against me in arguments, in very painful ways – I told myself I will never tell anyone about it ever again.
I’ve been dating a new man for about 7 months now. I’ve fallen in love with him; we’ve grown very close and I feel like I can trust him. I find myself thinking about WANTING to tell him about this part of my past, even though I am ashamed of it. (I can’t help but believe that a woman who stays in an abusive relationship does not, to some extent, deserve pity or respect.) Last night, there was a context for it in a casual conversation, and I asked him what he thought of women who stayed in abusive relationships, i.e. are they victims, or do they, by staying, bear responsibility for what is happening to them? His comments were that he thinks any woman who stays in such a situation is “batsh*t crazy” and that, if he found out any female friend of his was being abused and wasn’t leaving, he would “instantly lose all respect for her.”
I’m scared. I understand his opinions, and I even share them, which is/was the hardest part of the abuse for me (the self-hatred, -criticism, and
-blame). I don’t know why part of me keeps wanting to tell him so badly. As much as I hate it, it is a significant chunk of my past that, although
I’ve risen above it and left it far behind, helped shape the path that led me to where I am today, for better or worse. I want to share this with him
without the negative repercussions I foresee. (Also, I feel like I owe it to him to tell him ESPECIALLY if he has those negative views—like he has a
right to know if the person he’s with doesn’t deserve his respect after all.)
Should I tell him? Thank you.
-Frightened
Dear Frightened,
You are a courageous woman who has done everything right. Leaving an abusive relationship is not as easy as those who would consider you “crazy” thinks. And it sounds like you stayed for a relatively short period of time until you realized that your relationship was dangerous and you needed to choose yourself first.So having said that, it sounds like you are very self-aware and realize that your abusive relationship is part of your history and there is really no forgetting it. You will always have those memories and perhaps some regrets, but you should not allow that past to define how you view yourself today. If the man whom you are in love with cannot understand that you were in a situation, got out, AND still not respect you — then I don’t know what kind of man this is.
Do not dwell on the fact that it took you sometime to get out. Focus on the fact that you were in it, you got out, and you took steps to move on to healthier relationships.
As far as talking about it. Honestly, I don’t know if this new man should be required to discuss it in detail with you. Its sort of like how most men don’t want to talk about your past sex past boyfriends. It would probably be painful for him to hear. Share with him generalities of the story. If he asks for more details, then give them to him. Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions, but also give him a little time to process the whole thing.
Finally, I despise when someone uses something you told them against you in an argument. Unfortunately, it is a chance you take when you reveal yourself to anyone (friends, family, spouse). And of course you can’t truly be in a reciprocal and trusting relationship without revealing yourself. So this is the chance you will take with all your relationships from this point forward. As long as this past relationship holds some meaning to you (and it does right now), you will continue to need to share it with people you care about — and hopefully they are mature enough to not use it against you. I guess what I am saying here is that its simply a chance that you take and that’s okay. We all take risks when we fall in love and share ourselves with someone.
Hopefully you have chosen well with this man and he listen, hear you, and realize that he may have been wrong about what he “thought” he would feel in this situation. Don’t be frightened — you did everything right — and if he is truly the right man for you this will only be a part of your past that need not affect your future together.
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