Dear GirlShrink,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and living with each other for almost the same amount of time. For a while, we shared a room in my parents’ house and about a month ago we got our own apartment. He has a new job, where he usually comes home about midnight.
Lately, he’s been coming home from work and I’ll try to stay up as long as he does, but I can’t. I get tired, and I get horrid headaches so I take pills and try to sleep but my mind won’t shut off. It helps when my boyfriend sleeps with me, because his presence comforts me. But for the past three days, even when I ask he refuses to come to bed. This makes me feel distant from him, and hurt. He gets angry when I ask him to come to bed, and tells me that he’s a grown adult and can decide when he wants to go to bed for himself. He says he likes to have time alone to listen to music and relax before going to bed. But yesterday he had the entire day off, and was alone the whole day. He invited his friend over, and they went to a bar. They decided his friend should crash with us, and they stayed up until 5 in the morning.
He got mad when he realized I wasn’t sleeping, because he doesn’t think I try. And for the past three days he hasn’t gone to sleep until the sun comes up. I don’t feel like he cares, I feel alone and unwanted. Am I being selfish? I’ve tried talking to him so many times, but I don’t know how to get him to understand.
Dear Sleepless Nights,
From your letter, I would guess that you both are sort of young, and it sounds as if your boyfriend is just doing what guys his age do. Hang out. Stay up. Chill out. And it’s perfectly fine for him to do that, although it may not be ideal for you. But I think the bigger issue here is your problem with sleep. You cannot depend on another person to help you sleep. That is not a reliable or desirable solution. You need to find a better way. Go seek the help of your primary physician or a sleep specialist. You need to find the source of your sleep deprivation and work through that.
