Dear GirlShrink,
I have been married to “Sam” for 21 years in July 2010. We have been friends since we started school and throughout high school. We have 1 son, age 11, who has high functioning Aspergers.
The problem is with my marriage, I feel like a prisoner. Sam expects me to stay at home every free moment except when he has an errand or work to do for him. The friends I have do not want to spend time with us because I can never go anywhere or they do not wish to be around “Sam” who makes vulgar comments to their wives or girlfriends (even my brothers feel this way). He says the friends are losers and adulterers (which is not true). The times I have went out with friends alone; Sam says I am dressing up like a slut for others and that I never dress this way for him.
I have always emotionally supported Sam in everything he has done. In our first 10 years of marriage I always went along on his chosen activities just so I could spend time with him (hunting, fishing, softball, etc.). After our son came along I would stay home to take care of him while Sam still went hunting with his father and brothers 6 hours away for 2 1/2 weeks each year plus during his other activity outings. During family vacations I take care of our son while he fishes from sun-up to past dark each day. We have had his parents and my mother go on vacation with us and he expects me to cater to them while he spends time with his Dad. I know his parents are not going to be around forever, but neither am I.
In our everyday life Sam leaves around 8 am then comes home around 8 pm. Often he leaves an hour or so later to go look out drinking and look for deer that are roaming about in the nearby fields and I am left alone again until close to midnight or later. When he becomes drunk he breaks things in the house if he is angry with me. I take care of all the home-details, yard work, house maintenance, etc. When he is home he leaves messes and his clothes from top to bottom in the house and doesn’t offer to help unless I have a melt-down. I have expressed these feelings to him and he always says that he will do better, but it hasn’t changed. His solution is to give me some cash and day or two of attention by taking us out to eat at a fast food restaurant or watching a movie at home, which he calls “our family
time”. I also run a small business with a small income of my own, but not enough to live on and take care of my son.
I am an attractive woman that is in good physical shape and I am told that I am a very giving person. Being such, Sam has sexual feelings for me, but I do not have the same for him. I care about Sam and do not want to hurt him, but I feel no physical attraction to him, Sam says he loves and knows me better than anyone ever could. I had a hysterectomy 1 year ago and all these feelings I am now expressing, Sam believes are from the hormone issues. He has repeatedly called my family, neighbors and doctor (made appointments for me unbeknownst to me until the day of), and told them of my “issues”. The last time we had sex it felt like I was with a total stranger. We have not had sex for over a year and are currently not sleeping in the same bed. When we were sleeping in the same bed he continually pushed himself on me sexually or pushed for me to “help” him relieve himself since I do not want sexual intercourse. This is and was a huge turnoff for me. I feel that I am no more than a whore to him since he never repays me with romance or companionship, but expects sex in return for being married to him.
I have one particular male friend that has become very close to me. This friend does not currently live in the same state as I do, but lives on the West Coast, while I live on the East Coast. We grew up in the same fairly small town, but did not know each other until about 8 years ago. I probably could have feelings for this friend given the opportunity, but have not followed through with those thoughts. I have in the past on occasion talked to this male friend on Facebook. When Sam found out he went ballistic telling me how everyone on Facebook is an adulterer (as well as my friend) looking to ruin someone else’s marriage, so I discontinued the
communications. I have a cell phone and email, but he started checking the phone and email history online to see who I had been talking to and became angry over my communications. My friend has known the situation with Sam for many years. He has told me he will help me if I decide to leave Sam and would gladly help provide a home for me and my son.
Leaving sounds great, but my problem is I am scared. Am I being silly to think about giving up the life that I have for another that is so uncertain? Sam does not abuse me physically and provides a nice home and a comfortable life. I however feel that life is passing me by and that by the times he decides he wants to spend time with me (if ever) I will be too old. I want to enjoy life, but I don’t in turn want to ruin my son’s (who is my top priority). My son is distraught with the thoughts of divorce already from hearing our arguments.
Thank you in advance for your advice,
Scared in Virginia
Dear Scared In Virginia,
Thank you for what was such a candid letter. There are many things that came to mind when I read your letter. First, and this may be hard to hear, but what I think many people feel to realize as they live their lives is that most of us (you included) make decisions everyday that determine how we will live out the next day and the next. You feel like you are living in a prison because you have helped create that prison. Every time you allow Sam to treat you in a manner that you are not comfortable with is another day that he will continue to exhibit the same behaviors.
Now granted I know that you have expressed your issues with him, but words are often ignored. People are more apt to make decisions based on the “actions” of others. You seem to spend a great deal of time NOT doing the things you want with your life in order to keep Sam calm and keep him happy. This is not the way to live.
You do not want to leave this life with regrets. You only have one time to get it right.
As for your son, I understand this very well b/c I have a child on the autism spectrum. What scares him is first what frightens all children – the fear of his parents separating AND what is worse for him is the possibility of “change”. As you well know, change frightens children on the spectrum more than the average child. BUT having said that – change is inevitable – and sometimes we do our children a disservice by not initiating healthy change.
If after careful consideration, leaving your husband is what would improve the quality of your life and therefore ultimately your child’s life – then that is a type of change that you may want to consider. The fact that you have someone who can help support you with that change is even better. So don’t just stay because you are afraid of the unknown.
Instead take some initiative, and really look into how you could financially and emotionally support yourself if you decide to go. What could you do to increase revenues in your small business? Could you use those same skills for an employer? What towns would you consider living in? If its somewhere near your friend on the West Coast, check into the towns or counties that have the better autism supports. What I am saying – is that instead of just letting life happen to you – now you can take action and control your future.
Do not do anything you do not want to do. That means sexually, for his parents, for him. Do what you genuinely want to do, not what you think others expect from you. I would love to hear 3-6 months from now that you have taken big leaps to begin really learning who you are and living a more conscious life. I think you will find that it is the best thing for you and your son.
