Dear Girlshrink,
My boyfriend and I have been best friends for years and just recently started dating about 7 months ago. He had been with his ex for probably 2 to 3 years and engaged to her twice. She ended up leaving him “for good” when the baby was almost 2 months old. Now that we are finally happy she has decided she wants him back and constantly uses their child as a pawn in order to manipulate him to do the things she wants him to do. She texts him non-stop telling him to leave me and get back with her and if he doesn’t respond back with what she wants to hear she keeps him from seeing his son for months at a time. I absolutely adore my boyfriend and his son but she is going to be in his life forever and I dont know if I can do this much longer! How do I make him understand that this is wrong and that he needs to stand up to her or am I in the wrong for thinking thats what he needs to do?
Niki
Dear Niki,There are a couple of things going on here. First, there is always some sort of drama between a couple who have broken up but are still connected through a child. A child gives the primary parent (usually the mother) a lot of emotional control (if she chooses to use it) over the other parent. Unfortunately a lot of men believe the hype and buy into the fact that the mother has “all” of the control and therefore never wants to rock the boat or upset the mother too much for fear of never seeing their child. A lot of men do not want to deal with the courts because if you take it there, most judges will allow them time to see their children but at a cost. Usually a percentage of their income. Something much higher then they would actually pay voluntarily to the mom. Now I’m not saying that is your circumstance, but it could be.Also there is an idea that the mom just wants to cause trouble because for 3 years she always looked at you as the “best friend” to her fiancee, and now she questions the past. She wonders if you two always had feelings. She wonders if you both acted on these feelings before the break up. She probably is wondering a lot of things and is angry and hurt.As far helping your boyfriend “see” the manipulation by the ex. I guarantee you that he already sees it. For whatever reason, I think he feels as if there is nothing he can do about it. He may feel guilty or at least conflicted for breaking up with her after having a child with her. He may even have some residual feelings for her and doesn’t want to start an all out war with her. He was engaged to her, so his feelings for her must have been strong at some point.What I do think is that you have to make decisions for yourself that are honest and real. Knowing what you know about their past, their relationship, their personalities — are your feelings for your boyfriend deep, strong, and serious enough to deal with what may come with this situation?Will there be more drama? Probably. Will you have an argument or two with the ex in the future – you might. Will you not like how he deals with situations between he and the ex – you probably won’t. You would do things differently. But you were not in a relationship with this woman, he was. You have to account for the fact that he cannot change the past, nor just turn off feelings for the mother of his child. He can move forward with you, but you should go into that knowing that it will mean a future including his child, and with that comes his mother.
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