Dear GirlShirnk,
I usually don’t write to columns or anything for advice but im rather confused and lost at this point. i was hoping for a wee bit of insight from someone else who isn’t in my circle of friends.
Well my most recent relationship ended about 2 weeks ago. we had been dating for 5 months. basically, we knew of each other years ago. but we were both in other relationships at the time and really didnt get to know each other. his girlfriend cheated on him, he dumped her and later got back up with her ( he has anxiety and self esteem issues). i left my 2 year long relationship with my abusive boyfriend at the time.
So further in the present when we meet again. i have been single for over a year and he recently broke up with the cheater for the 2nd and last time. in those 3 weeks we because really really good close friends and hit it off very well. we flirted alot but i didnt want to date him becuase i didnt want to be a rebound and also felt it was too soon for him. but i guess he fell in love with me too becuase we became a couple quickly. and he kept saying things like “your not a rebound i promise you” and ” our relationship just feels right”.
He’s a good guy, very honesty and caring. and things were going very well despite a few arguments we had here and there. and then the night came when he broke up with me. he basically told me that he needs to be alone and that he wasn’t ready for a relationship at this time and couldn’t give me what i needed but that he still loved me and deeply cares for me but only sees me as a friend. and that i smothered him. i know i was in the wrong when i begged him to stay but i let him leave and didnt really talk to him since then.
However, i had to get my things from his house and we are involved in a sport where we are on the same team and meet twice a week for practice. I don’t have to interact with him however. he had ignored me till recently when he sent me a messaging to say hi and let me know he ditched a friend i didn’t particularly like (2 fights were caused over this said friend). and i told him i was surprised he messaged me but he told me not to read into it to much. so then i said well i hope your doing well im going to leave you alone bye. since then i haven’t talked to him….
So now here is where i need some advice. im done crying over him and over my loss and iv basically moved on. and i don’t want to loose him as a friend at the very least. BUT i still love him. and i would very much like to get back with him. and i know i should chase after him or seem needy or that i still want to be with him or even contact him for that matter. but if i don’t contact him i feel like time is slipping away from me and i may never see him again. He keeps pushing this friend thing on me and i figured i could maybe ask him out to a movie or something next week. is this too soon? Or what steps should i take in trying to get back with him? Is there any chance you think?
Thank you for your time.
Dear Stuck In The Friend Zone,
What I see in your situation is something that I see with couples or rather people of every age, nationality, income level and that is wanting something so bad to “work” that you ignore what is plainly in front of your face. This gentleman is not ready for a romantic relationship with you. He has shown it through his actions. Ex. getting involved with you too soon, and also breaking up with you.
He has also shown it through his lack of action. He has barely called you, communicated with you, etc. since the break up. He has also shown it through verbalization. He has point blank told you that he is not interested. He felt smothered. And it wasn’t working for him. Why are you looking for some sort of advice from me for “getting him back”? Really – think about it.
Why would you want to push yourself on someone who is not interested. While it isn’t written in stone, it’s pretty much a basic relationship fundamental that men like to pursue and do not like to be chased or smothered. You need to allow him to do that if that’s what he’s going to do. You cannot make it happen. You cannot rush him. You cannot force him to act on feelings that I’m not sure are even there.
My advice to you is to let this man go, and allow him to come back to you on his own. The strongest thing you can do for yourself is to move on and show him that you are not dependent on his attentions or even his friendship. That will seem appealing to many men. His interest may be peaked again as he thinks that you have moved on OR it may be that you just really and truly move on and meet someone willing to be in a reciprocal relationship with you. That’s what I wish for you:)
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My heart goes out to the lady who wrote the above letter. She is being forced to “walk-up-out-of-it.” She may believe that the hardest thing to do is to walk away from something or someone that you have strong feelings for, but believe me–it’s even harder to stay somewhere you are obviously not welcomed. The reader says that it is important to her to have her “friend” back, but there is something that she needs to ask herself. If he was really her friend, would he have treated her the way he did after the break-up? He ignored her during practice, for goodness sakes. Understand this, no good friend would do that. And, who would want to keep bad friends around? I can almost gurantee that her girlfriends have told her the same advice – to move on. Maybe your wisdom (in response to her plea for advice) was the last push that she needed to keep pressing forward.
J. M. Tardy
Author of His Ingredient Label: A Woman’s Guide to Recognizing a Junk Food Man