Dear GirlShrink,
My boyfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for 3 years. He started law school when we first started dating and is set to graduate in month. Over the past 2 years we’ve talked about marriage and our future. He says that he wants to get married and have a family, the same thing that I want. However, I feel like we’re not on the same time line. When I try to have a serious conversation about when we might get engaged he always said “after law school” then it changed to “after the bar.” The other night it was “I need to have a job and know that I can take care of myself.”
He keeps putting it off and I can’t figure out the real reason. I understand as a man he has to feel like he is established (and probably feels inferior since I am and own my own home) but I feel like time is wasting. I am going to be 31 years old and he’s 30. I don’t want to be 35 before I’m married. I also don’t want to put pressure on him if this isn’t something he is ready for. I’ve tried to be understanding and I do understand that he’s working towards a future but I also feel like a person can do more than one thing at a time. I love him but am I wrong to be waiting for him or should I start to look elsewhere for someone who knows what they want?
Dear Waiting For Marriage,
I have been where you are right now. So have many other women. For some, this scenario was completely as the man said it was. Many men have a view of what their lives should look like before they marry. If it doesn’t look like that — they are very reluctant to move forward. Yet for others, this is just an excuse to hold onto you but to hold you off as well.I think the bigger question you need to explore is what are your boyfriend’s views on marriage. What role models for marriage has he seen? What does he think will happen or will “change” once he’s married. After speaking with my husband well into our marriage – I learned that these were some of the REAL issues holding him back.
You need to know this because this will really tell you if you truly have a future with him or if you are spinning your wheels. While he may be ready to marry five years from now — it’s true that I don’t want you to waste five more years of your life “waiting” on him and missing opportunities to meet men who know what they want. It’s a tough choice – but at some point you will have “enough” and you will make the right decision for you.
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