I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend of 10 years. For the most part, it has been a great relationship. I am 33 and he is 36. Whenever I bring up marriage it causes us to argue because we don’t have the same views. He has the old motto if something is broke then don’t try to fix it.
I admit, he does treat me better than some of my girlfriends’ husbands treat them. He helps me around the house and we are doing well financially. Up until 4 mos. ago, I gave birth to our first child. Of course, this has made me want to get married even more. I just feel he doesn’t respect my decision on the union of marriage. I do know things should not change and if they do; minimal changes.
My question to you is, do I stick around and hope that maybe one day he would come to his senses and realize marriage isn’t such a bad thing OR do I get out now and stop setting myself up for disappointment? Marriage is that important to me!! Please advise!
Dear Friend,
I wish you had written this letter before you became pregnant, because there is something to be said about why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. He gets you AND a wonderful new baby. But I digress, let’s get to reality.The reality here is that you are in a committed relationship, you do have a brand new baby, you are happy, you just want to get married. It may be your moral code. It may be what you think makes sense at this point in your relationship and at your age — but your man has different ideas and refuses to budge.
I myself believe in the institution of marriage and I think that any person who has a rigid view about it has some sort of issue around it. In fact, they give it way more power then they probably even realize. The fact that he thinks making a commitment in front of a state official, or minister, or friends and family can drastically change the dynamics of your relationship lets me know that he believes marriage is a very powerful thing. Or perhaps destructive thing. If it wasn’t a big deal as most men like to say — then why not do it to make their partners happy?
No many men are very afraid because of what they believe marriage means. And that’s the key. Having an honest discussion about what marriage means to you. What marriage looks like to you. What your expectations are from your husband. And of course he needs to say the same things. I bet you’ll find that your ideas of marriage are very different, which is why he is so afraid of making the commitment.
But the bottom line here is, you have to make the decision for yourself. You decided to have a child with this man a few months ago. I wonder if marriage was so important to you, why you would make such a huge decision to link yourself permanently to this man with a child. I don’t think you are even remotely ready to leave, but if marriage is a deal breaker, it may be something you need to start looking into.
