Dear GirlShrink,
I am in the middle of a divorce, but we have been separated for about 8 months. I have a 1 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. My 5-yr-old has been acting out inappropriately in school (kindergarten) as well as in activity classes such as gymnastics and art. At home she is often unhappy and asks me what was the reason her father left. I have a feeling she is really asking me if she is to blame for her father leaving. And to answer that — he left because he said that he was never in love with me, and needs to find his purpose in life. What should I do?
M. Rinaldi
Canada
Dear Ms. Rinaldi,
Divorce is rarely amicably and the timing is always awful. Those are two things that I hate about divorce. It looks like your daughter is having just an awful time processing what is going on, why it’s going on, and what she can do to express her anger. Because she is angry. And hurt. And confused. Which is all too common with children of divorce.
I think that what may be best is to consider seeking additional help and support for your child via pastoral counseling or a professional child therapist. Most insurance plans will pay. And if you are uninsured — there are a lot of “divorce” support groups in most areas that can direct you to a mental health center which will see you on a sliding scale basis or even for free.
It’s important to do as much with her as you can. Don’t get lost into the daily care of your 1-yr-old, and whatever else you do, that you miss out on special moments with her.
Keep her active like you have been in extracurricular activities, but keep communicating with the director(s) of these activities that you are aware of her behavior and are “working on it”. And to ask them for patience. (And pay them on time:)
I think that if you talk to your child’s teacher, principal, etc. they should completely work with you in a partnership to help her adjust to the many changes facing her future. There is enough information out there on the difficulties of divorce and children — that teachers should at least understand what is going on. Don’t keep them in the dark – just because you may want to keep them out of your personal business. Its important that they be an important part of the effort to help her transition.
And finally – hopefully you can work out a partnership with your ex that will include him talking to her about the divorce, assuring her that she had nothing to do with the decision to live apart, seeing her as much as he can (or the courts allow), and staying really connected with her current life: school, activities, friends, etc.
I hope this helps. Know that you are not alone. Here are some additional resources:
1.http://www.rainbows.org/
A site organization dedicated to helping kids suffer through a loss such as divorce, death etc.
2. http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce
Some facts on children and divorce.
3. http://www.oprah.com/relationships/slide/200709/rel_20070926_284_101.jhtml
Children of divorce advice on Oprah Show
