Dear Girlshrink,
I absolutely love my boyfriend/recently fiance. I know I’m in love with him and I’ve known for a long time I could easily spend the rest of my life with him, and I want to. I know a lot of people say that… but I don’t know how to explain it. He’s in the army stationed overseas and I’m supposed to be moving there with him in a few months. He’s been there for 3 months so far and I miss him like crazy. The other night I kissed an old friend. And kissed and kissed and kissed… I liked it, and now I feel incredibly guilty. I think I liked it so much because I miss affection and all that with my boyfriend. I miss kissing my boyfriend and whispering I love you. But I feel so guilty for cheating and I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. He’s the jealous type. Do I tell him?
Sincerely,
Regretful
Dear Regretful,
OOH these kinds of questions are difficult. I think it would be totally cliche for me to tell you that if you really loved your boyfriend you wouldn’t have allowed this to happen, because the truth of the matter is that we are all human and we all make mistakes. But what I want you to really consider is that what truly makes a strong relationship is how you two navigate the difficult times. The rough roads. Being separate physically is a challenge for many, many couples — but 3 months is not a very long time. And there will be tougher times than this – trust me. I’ve been with my husband a very long time. So be sure that you want to get married right now.
Take more care to think through your actions BEFORE you do them. And ask yourself if this is something that your fiance would want to know. Is he the type that is like “I don’t care what it is, I just want to be told the truth” or is he the kind that would want you to make sure it never happens again and not tell him because he will never be able to forgive you if you told him. Only you can answer that. Only you can answer if you can live with what you did.
And finally make sure that if you tell him that you are telling him because honesty is important to your relationship NOT because you just want to unburden yourself of your guilt. That is just being selfish – not honest.
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If you’re intending on staying with him? DO NOT TELL HIM! It’s not like you carried on a sexual affair with your ex-boyfriend. You made out, that’s bad enough, but telling your boyfriend/fiance will devastate him.
Make your decision now. If you can’t hang with being apart for 3-months? You’re never going to survive when he’s stationed overseas for a year or more. Don’t do that to either of you. It’s not fair.
please don’t tell him.silence is golden seriously.from my own experience it wont help your relationship in any way.if at all it will the effect will be negative.but i wonder how you will cope in that kind of relationship because when you both get married he will still be travelling what will you do when all these emotions re-surface?will u kiss someone again?think about it.
I can tell that you love your boyfriend dearly and that you desperately want to be with him. It sounds as though you let your feelings take over and that you made a mistake.
You do show that you are regretful for your actions and telling him would only absolve you of your guilt and cause him pain so it’s best to not tell him. When you love someone, you want to protect him. If you don’t intent to continue to hurt him, then you shouldn’t tell him. Treat him well because you love him. Take this as an important lesson that you almost lost him – hold on to him tightly.
I have been in a very similar situation with my boyfriend of 2 years now. 90% of our relationship has been long distance and it definitely has not been easy. People tell me that its temptations like these that break long distance relationships. My boyfriend used to be the very jealous type, he has gotten a lot better about that with time and our relationship maturing. But he is also the type of man that says.. ” the one thing that I will not love you for anymore and will break up with you no exceptions is if you were to ever cheat on me” with that said… I felt an immense amount of guilt when I had a similar little incident like you did. I agree with Marcelina, telling him would only hurt him… just do your part in making sure that you are truly ready for the commitment that you are about to make (marriage) . It would definitely be far worse to get married and then start to have second thoughts and issues once you are tied together. But if you know he is the one, then take it lesson learned and watch yourself better. If you have too much trouble keeping your emotions/attractions in check then obviously your future fiance is not all you have eyes for and you just need to consider that for both your happiness and to be fair to him.
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