Dear GirlShrink,
I have been in a lesbian relationship for 3 and half years…..we married 2 years ago.  We separated 2 months ago and since then she has become even closer friends with my ex-husband.  I just found out that they went on a fishing trip together and shared a bed.  She has betrayed my trust and has had an emotional affair with him.  She called him “her rock” during the beginning part of our separation (which by the way she initiated by moving everything out of the house one day without warning).  I can’t trust her and feel unsafe around her, especially since they both have shared so much information about me with each other.  I am seeking a to dissolve our marriage.  Would you agree this is the right thing to do?  I don’t see any other options.  (this is the reader’s digest version, by the way….
Thank you
Edie

Dear Edie,
I want to tug a little bit of her hair out for you! Your ex  is playing a lot of immature games that have completely violated any trust you have built over the years. Especially by reaching out to the one other person who you have been intimately involved with. That was just unfair. Like you said, I’m sure there must be more to the story, because it sounds as if she was reaching out to your ex-hubby because of the fact that he was another person that knew you as deeply as she did. And thought that he could lend some understanding to her “situation” with you. Whatever that may be. Perhaps your ex sees you as the problem and she thought he could support her in those feelings.

So the real question here is: What do you want to do? I can’t tell you whether or not to dissolve your marriage. Marriage is a very serious commitment and I don’t take it lightly. Other options are to seek counseling. BUT if your ex left and has no plans on trying to work things out and has limited communication with you — then perhaps the next step would be to dissolve the union. It will take two to put things back on track, and I’m not sure if you are both in a place to get that done right now.

Dear GirlShrink,
I have been dating a guy for about 5 months and although we talk every day and see each other several times a week, we have not said “I love you.”  There are many reasons why I think we are both hesitant to get serious, but we enjoy each other’s company and I don’t want to stop seeing him.  The problem is I keep getting this feeling like we “SHOULD” be more serious, and then I get upset about it. I don’t really want to get serious with him, so I need to find ways to stop this knee-jerk reaction of thinking I should want more. Can you give me some advice for how to keep it casual, both in practice and in my head?
Thanks.

Dear Miss Insightful,
I’m glad that you see that what you do feel is different from what you think you should feel. A lot of people never figure this out – ever. So bravo.

Now second I want to say that as far as I know, being in a relationship for 5 months is no way enough time to feel that things “should” be more serious. That’s not a lot of time. So you can relax.

Third, what you need to do is “respect” your instincts and your feelings. You have your reasons for not wanting to get serious with this guy and that’s fine. Respect that.

Finally, try to explore and figure out whose voice you hear in your head telling you that you should be wanting more. A parent? Your friends? Church? Because it clearly isn’t yours. Remember that. When the voice pops in your head, tell it that its okay, you’re going to try it your way and see how things go. Trust that what you genuinely feel at any given moment about this guy and your relationship is right and fine for you at the time. And of course this is fluid and can change frequently. And that’s okay too.

Dear GirlShrink,
I know the answer is simple but Im asking for advice because I can’t get any
closure.

When I first started dating my bf four months ago, it was perfect. I thought he might be the one. He bought me diamonds, treated me well, took care of my needs and made me feel special.

However 3 weeks later and it all changed and now we are 4 months in, he constantly critisizes me, there is no sex, no cuddles or kisses, he is never there for me, always talks about himself, and has NEVER complimented me, puts me down and I dont feel special anymore. He refuses to talk about our relationship and doesnt want to listen to me if I am upset or havy any concerns. He NEVER apologises either.

On the plus side, he constantly rings/texts me, makes sure I’m well fed, he isnt controlling, I know he isnt cheating, hangs out with me alot, talks about us having children. (How bizarre since he hasnt had sex with me for a long time). He holds my hand in public.

We have had many breakups and the last was for 2 weeks before we got back together again. Again there was no cuddling, kissing or sex although he insisted I sit on his lap because he hadnt seen me for a long time. The way he looked at me that day was good too, finally I felt special and wanted by my bf. The next day it was all back to normal again. we saw each other, hung out and thats about it.

Now its only been 4 days since we got back together again and he has decided that we should “just be friends”. I’m pretty gutted.

I cant deal with this anymore. I just want a normal relationship where my bf will respect and want me and not treat me like dirt.

What does he mean with “lets be friends?”

I wont deny, I am hooked on him which is why I find it hard to let go and I take him back easily. I have all these other opportunities and I know some of these men will treat me like royalty but I just cant do it incase I have to compromise my feelings and also it’s hardly fair if Im still thinking about my ex.

I just dont understand why he behaves like this, I am VERY good to him. His own friend has said to him that Im “loyal”, other friends tell him hes lucky to be with me. What more does he want? Especially since he’s looking for a serious relationship.

Dear In The Friend Zone,
It’s funny that you began your letter with “the answer is simple” — because it absolutely is a no brainer.  He wants to be friends means that he is no longer interested in you romantically. He is checked out. Now I understand that you need closure because:

-You want a guy who does not want you.
-You want a guy who does not treat you especially well.
-You want to figure out why he does this.
-You want to know if there is something wrong with you (although on some level you know that it’s not you)
-You want an explanation. One that makes sense. (Like he’s gay. But you’re not going to get one.)
-You want him to come to his sense and come running back to you, with regret, with romance, etc. (Again – not going to happen)

I don’t have to know much about this young man to know that his behavior dictates that he is probably never going to be who you want for yourself. So you have no choice at this point. You must let him go.

And you need to really explore why you want a man who has all the issues that you listed and turn down the guys who would treat you much better. You will need to answer that for yourself before you move into your next relationship.

Dear GirlShrink,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 6.5 months & things couldn’t be better. As far as family-life, we have put our house up for sale & where my parents want to move to isn’t where i want to move to. Is 6.5 months too soon to move in with my boyfriend? I have spent MANY sleepless nights thinking about this & if the answer is yes how do i tell my parents about this?………..
PLEASE HELP A.S.A.P

Dear Sleepless Nights,
You may have made your decision by the time you read this response, but I hope that you have since realized that if you have to ask me about moving in with your boyfriend and you can’t make the decision — you are NOT ready. Now if you are solely asking me my opinion, based on my experience, I would say that 6 months is too soon, but of course we all have different experiences — and there are examples of people who have been married for 25 years after knowing each other only 6 weeks. Now is that the norm? No. Typically most people need to get to know someone a little longer and a little better than that before making a decision like living with them or marrying them. If you were my daughter I would be concerned. But I hope that you make the right decision for you.

If anyone has any additional useful advice for sleepless nights, please leave it in the comments section below.

Dear GirlShrink,
I have been married for a little more than 2 years. It was an arranged marriage (India). Things were not terrible initially. But, it was never great either. Then, it started deteriorating and it was really ugly between his parents and mine and we got caught up in the whole thing. The sex life was not great either. He is very caring in terms of taking care of me physically like helping around the houese and always brings me gifts. But I feel completeley emotionally dead in the relationship and I think I will lose myself if I continue to be with him. However, I have talked about leaving him and he gets so emotional and says that he just cannot live without me.

Please advice me on what I need to here – I am unable to leave because I am not sure of what would happen to him and I feel guilty and harbor a sense of betrayal. But I don’t know if staying in this relationship is healthy for me.
Thanks,
shwn

Dear Shwn,
While I do not profess to be an expert on arranged marriages, I can say that it really probably is no different than other people who marry for other reasons than love. I think you need to ask yourself what those original reasons were and why they no longer are enough to support this marriage. Did you marry out of duty, tradition, loneliness, etc.? Were you ready for marriage? Did you want marriage, or was it just time to do it based on what others in your family or friends recommended.

If you are “unable” to leave, but feel that you are completely emotionally dead in this relationship, I wonder what type of advice you are actually asking for. How to make yourself feel something that you don’t feel? How to possibly feel less guilty about doing what is best for you and not for everyone? Well – at the end of this world, I believe that most human beings ask themselves if they lived the type of life

Dear GirlShrink,
My girlfriend broke up with her ex boyfriend 7 months ago, me and her are now dating and she still tells me that she misses her ex sometimes and anytime i tell her that she is beautiful or that she is amazing or any kind of compliment she feels awkward and pulls away from me – i’d like to know what to do I’m in love with her.

Dear In Love,
Bottom line is that you can’t “compliment away” her feelings for someone else. Seven months is NO time at all for her to grieve the ending of a relationship. Honestly, she probably shouldn’t have moved on with you so fast after ending her relationship with the last guy. So you need to give her time. Talk to her about it. Let her know that you realize she may still have feelings for her ex and that you respect that, BUT that it may not be in the best interest of her relationship with you to talk about him all the time. While they are valid, some feelings should remain private. OR she should work them out with a non-interested 3rd party. Not you.

If you have any advice for our “in love” guy – please leave it in the comments section below.

Dear GirlShrink,
My girlfriend of five months has a best friend of the opposite sex that I have met once when we had just begun dating. They text each other all the
time and hang out together at his house just them two and his brother. I’ve even read a few of their conversations and he greets her with “hey boo” and they both say “I love you” to each other and other things like “I’m missing you”. I’ve confronted her before about him calling her “boo” and she told me that there was nothing to worry about because he “talks like that to everyone”. I trust her a lot and she swears to me that nothing would ever happen between them, but I’m still having these feelings of insecurity when she doesn’t text me or answer my calls when they’re together. So my question is, what should I do in order to help our relationship?

Dear Friend,
This is a legitimate concern, because one or both of them are passively flirting with each other. It could be that “nothing would happen” because one thinks the other would never date the other. So they stay in this flirty friend zone. Or it could be a totally harmless flirty friendship.

Whatever the case may be – it’s probably more annoying than a real threat. I think you have to ride this out and see how long this friendship remains annoying to you. If it continues give you unease (say for another 3 months), you may have to bring it up with her again and talk about a “solution”. She doesn’t have to end her friendship, she just may need to purposely change the dynamic of it. She will if she cares about your feelings and your relationship.

Dear GirlShrink,
My boyfriend of 2 years and a half once asked me to marry him but I told him that I wasn’t ready yet. After how many months he met someone who is younger than us. And then we had this roller coaster relationship. But at some point we managed to solve it. But now, he’s asking me that we should end our relatonship for at least 1 year since its too hard for him to decide and doesn’t know what to do. And for that 1 year I am free to look for someone. But if in that 1 year we realized that we are for each other then we can go on with our relationship and thats the time for him to decide or even marry me. He also said that we can still text each other by means of communication. What is the best thing that I should do?
-anonymous

Dear Friend,
This is short and bitter but: your boyfriend wants a break to run around for a year and do whatever he wants. Leave him alone. It’s over.

Hello GirlShrink,
I am in need of some serious relationship help. I have always had a good relationship with my parents from what i’ve felt like. At times I have felt
like they’re too much into what i’m doing, but I know they love me and justwant the best for me. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months short of 3 years now. He’s a great guy who cares about me so much, he puts me first &he loves to be around me. There have been a few times when we butt heads or he has done something little to upset me, but he is always sorry and trys very hard to make it up to me.

I’m going off to college in the fall & recently my parents have been giving me talks about how I should break up with him instead of dealing with the relationship in college. I’m only 18 so i’m not sure if I should treat this as true love, but I know what we have has to be somewhat real or else we wouldn’ve lasted this long together. He’s dealt with a lot from my parents over the years as far as them not being very nice about him, but at the same time he isn’t always very talkative around them. I know he cares a lot about me & I feel like we can make it in college if we’d like to. I just don’t know how to deal with the fact of my parents not liking him and trying to make me break up with him.

Hi College Girl,

Here’s my advice in a nutshell. Do NOT break up with anyone because someone else wants you do. If things are going good – don’t mess with it. If you guys grow apart during college, then let that happen on its own and naturally. Like you said, many couples have made it through college. What this really is about is your parents. Why don’t they like this guy? That’s the part you have left out of this letter. In the meantime, I would have to say that you are going to make decisions in your life that your parents will not always agree with. That’s how you grow and become an adult outside of the influence and opinion of the people that raised you:) It’s hard sometimes because we depend on our parents for so many years – but it is part of the maturing process.

Now having said that, your parents do have a range of experiences that you do not have and there may be a valid reason for why they want you two to grow apart. Perhaps they feel he has too much influence. Did your grades falter? Maybe they don’t want you distracted in college. College is tough and there is so much to do and learn and people to meet. Maybe they want you to have the full experience without the distraction of what they feel is only a “High School” romance.

Ultimately you need to make the decision on your own. Ask yourself what do you want to do. And know that this may change by Christmas, by next year, in four years. And that’s okay. You will absolutely grow and change in college. Whether or not your relationship survives and if it should is only up to you and your boyfriend.

Dear GirlShrink,
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. The relationship has gotten pretty serious and I’ve definitely fallen hard for him. Things are very good between us, generally we agree and have a lot of fun together, we have open communication and a great sex life.

I am a really romantic person and I love to do nice things for the people that I care about. Neither of us chooses to celebrate holidays, but I leave love notes at his computer or on his mirror, and I’ve bought him gifts and cards randomly. On Valentine’s Day, he said, I’d rather show you I love you
every day than just one day of the year. However, in the year we’ve been dating, he’s never returned the romance. He’s never gotten me a card or a gift or shown his affection in any tangible way.

Now, he has asked me to move in with him and as much I as truly want to be together, I feel like if I do, I’m NEVER going to get the romance I want. I have no desire to talk to him about the subject because I don’t want to seem needy or greedy.

Should I just forget the romance and appreciate all of the good things about our relationship?

Austin, TX

Dear Austin Gal,
The whole “I’d rather show you everyday than just one day of the year” is an EXCUSE. Trust me – many of us have been there. It doesn’t make him a bad person though. So I think like you said – you have a decision to make. If he is not romantic in the way that you feel is “romantic”, he probably will never be. People can change but there has to be a really good reason for change.  So I wouldn’t count on that.

What you need to ask yourself is do you need those gestures in order to feel loved, validated, etc.? If you never get that, will you be satisfied and happy in your relationship. Or will you always be seeking some sign of change in him? I’m sure you don’t know those answers, but women that have been in your shoes can tell you that most of us have stayed and waited or hoped for change. It didn’t happen. So we either learned to live with, changed our expectations as we matured, or stayed in a very unsatisfying relationship.

If you have respect, mutual love, good sex, and a great time with this guy — I think you need to let go of the whole romantic gesture thing. You’ve got a great guy and they don’t come around everyday. Just ask all the single women out there. But that’s just my opinion.

Do any readers have any other opinions?