Dear GirlShrink,
I have been seeing this guy for a month. We went to high school together and now five years later we’ve started dating. At first we went out a few times a week, talked on the phone daily. We had sex about two weeks in. That is where I am feeling a disconnect. I have been in a serious relationship, four years long, and casually dated a few guys in between then and now.
On the other hand, he has never been in a relationship and his experience in the bedroom is very limited. Sparks have flown despite that. But for the last week or so I feel like he has been more reserved. We’ve only gone out once, and have spoken daily, but the conversations are brief. He calls me when he gets off work. I rarely call him because he gets off work at odd hours. I
guess I am trying to determine if he is deliberately blowing me off, or if his lack of dating experience is showing. We haven’t had the “conversation” about whether or not we are going to date other people. I think it’s too soon for that. There is also the possibility that he is taking us as an “item” for granted and I am not. Which would explain why he isn’t making plans whenever he is going to get off the phone anymore. Are we past the beginning stages of our relationship and I just haven’t realized it yet?
guess I am trying to determine if he is deliberately blowing me off, or if his lack of dating experience is showing. We haven’t had the “conversation” about whether or not we are going to date other people. I think it’s too soon for that. There is also the possibility that he is taking us as an “item” for granted and I am not. Which would explain why he isn’t making plans whenever he is going to get off the phone anymore. Are we past the beginning stages of our relationship and I just haven’t realized it yet?
Dear Disconnected,This is such a clear case about how things get muddled (in our minds) when we become intimate with someone. I’m not saying whether it was right or wrong — you are grown. But the truth is – is that for women especially, sex changes things. Now I’m not saying that you want to marry the guy, but what I am saying is that if you hadn’t had sex yet – you wouldn’t have sent this letter. It would be clear. A month in – you are dating – getting to know each other.And honestly that’s what I would still say. Sex or no sex, you two are still just reconnecting from high school and getting to know each other as adults. I don’t think you are past the beginning stages – in fact I don’t know if I would even say there is a “solid” relationship yet.I think you are still getting to learn what his behaviors are. Perhaps he just isn’t much of a phone person. Maybe he is frightened of getting closer to you. Or maybe he is just tired from work. It’s too early to tell just yet. Just keep playing this day to day. Enjoy it for what it is and don’t try to define it just yet. Also – continue to date other people until you both have had a conversation to make you think otherwise. Do not put all your eggs in this brand new basket!
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