Dear GirlShrink,
I’ve been surfing the net tonight, becoming thoroughly depressed with what seems to be a general attitude (from sites dominated by male posters) that cheating by a spouse in most forms equates to an unforgivable betrayal.
My wife and i have been married for thirteen years, and together for almost fifteen. We have a loving and very well adjusted 9 year old son.
About half way through our tenth year or marriage we hit a rocky few months. We had moved to my wifes old home town to be closer to her ailing mother. Familair surroundings and people gave my wife a confidence and comfort that she had not known in some time. I think its important to point out at this point that my wife has long struggled with bi-polar depression…an illness that can often be triggered by emotional stress, and can sometimes lead to days, if not weeks, of difficult times for her – and for our family.
It was during this period (just over two years ago) that my wife admitted to me that she had come close to having a full blown affair with a co-worker. She told me that she had kissed him several times one night, and seriously contemplated going further, but did not. I took it as a sign that we needed to make some serious changes – and after much work and couples therapy, we seemed to be well on our way to happier times. She promised me at the time that it had never happened before, and would NEVER happen again. I was incredibly hurt and told her that i didn’t think i could survive that sort of betrayal again…even if it meant splitting up our family.
Flash forward to this week… my wife has been having a difficult time with a family member. Out of retaliation, this family member threatened to tell me about “the other man” my wife kissed one evening a few years ago, following a party attended by a great many peope she knows well, but I knew little – while i stayed home to take care of our nine year old.
Rather than have me hear it from someone else, my wife told me what happened today. I want to believe that all she did was kiss him… but, honesty, I am at a complete loss as to how i should be feeling. Confused, hurt, angry, sad, betrayed…all of them are swirling around in side of me.
It has been two years since this happened. Our marriage has been rock solid since our counseling after the first instance… though, i can’t be certain this second occasion didn’t happen while we were actually still in counseling.
My wife sees a regular therapist for her bipolar disorder, and they have spoken frequently about this second instance – and how imporant her therapist thought it was for her to tell me about it, ask forgiveness and try to work through it.
Sorry for the long story… but my real question here is this…
When it happened the first time, she promised there wouldn’t be a second, and we both at the time agreed that if it ever did happen again – it would be clear sign that things for us just weren’t destined to be what we hoped. Then it happened a second time… and i feel that rather than face the very real consequences of her decision, she chose to keep it a secret rather than take the risk of disclosure.
I love my wife dearly. I’ve spent years trying to help her to overcome some really significant scars from her child hood, and we have an amazing child of our own- and most of the time, a pretty great home life.
But I just can’t get passed the fact that it happened a second time, and she only decided to tell me when she felt she had no other choice BUT to tell… or risk someone else being the snitch. I’ve read often online the opinion of others who say that some secrets are best kept as secrets…and that sometimes a case like this can cause far more damaged if brought into the open. I’m not sure i buy it.
She says she loves me, and will do anything she can to regain my trust.
I’m having a hard time telling her how i really feel; partly for fear of sending her depression into overdrive, and partly because i’m struggling over the timing of it all. It has been two years, and as i said, everything has been great…up until the “other shoe” dropped this week.
Any advice?
Should i feel as angry and betrayed as I do? She swears it “will never happen again”… but now after two isntances – and two years of silence about the second time, I’m just not sure what to think.
Thanks for any words of wisdom you can offer.
Dear Confused Husband,
I can honestly understand why you feel the way that you do. No one likes secrets or betrayal, BUT what I will say is that chances are that you probably would have tried to stick it out with her again, gone through therapy, etc. and you still would be where you are today. Of course she didn’t trust that which is why she didn’t say anything but the fact remains that you two have made it over to the other side and I would in this instance go to a few couples sessions and further discuss how crucial honest communication is between a couple.
I don’t think leaving at this point would benefit anyone including yourself. You still deeply love her, sounds like she loves you too, and you both love your son. Also allow yourself some time to be a little angry and sad. Give yourself permission to have a little time for yourself to sift through those emotions on your own terms. Don’t allow anyone to rush you or don’t rush yourself. It’s okay if you’re confused for a while. Loving someone is not easy – because essentially we are all flawed.
Comments on this entry are closed.