Dear GirlShrink,
I am looking for an opinion on an isuue that has come up with my current girlfriend of 3 years(-5months of a recent separation) on an issue of time spent with each other. We both have busy days, hers a proffesional, mine not so professional (only by not holding a degree “yet”). I work full time during the day and go to class 3 nights during the week. She also works during the day and does an extremely large amount of extracurricular activities involving school, and many many many outside volunteer programs, a lot which fall on the weekends. I recently “mentioned” something about maybe “lightening her load” so we could have a little more time as a serious couple and not just as a dating couple which opened a HUGE can of worms! “Don’t try to control me”, “if I can’t do this i’m nothing”, “you want to
spend time with me?” “then pick an open day on the my calendar”.(Her calendar is her life and it is full). She also made a reference to her ex husband requesting the same thing. And believe me when i say this, Im not asking her to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Is it healhty to tell your boyfriend and potential husband that he needs to be penciled in? After 3 years I am realizing that Im involved with just a complete career involved person that really has no need for a boyfriend/husband, just someone to mow the yard and have dinner with once and a while and put back back on the shelf until she has a “desire”? Should I just throw in the towel and move on?
Dear Mr. Neglected:
I know this woman. I’ve met her type many times. Heck, she is even in my family. She is not going to change. She has the need to be busy, productive, and in control. While you have realistic expectations from this relationship, I venture to say that you will not find what you want and need from this one. If you need things to change in order to be happy — then I think that you may have to wait a long time. As you said, I think she is content with the way things are, and has no motivation for them to change. It may be better for you to cut your losses and move on.
